


Dream On

by ladyamesindy



Series: Serafina Shepard [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 57,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1014095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The past will always be yours."  A more detailed look into the backgrounds of Cmdr. Serafina Shepard and Kaidan Alenko; of paths taken, choices made, opportunities missed.  </p><p>This work is heavily influenced by the song "Dream On," by Aerosmith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> I've adjusted the warnings for graphic content just to be safe (beginning with Chapter 4)

_2168, BAaT_

He stood alone, staring blankly in the mirror, wondering just what it was reflecting back in the image.  Yesterday, he’d been a normal, sixteen year old boy, sneaking last minute meetings with friends before curfew, managing a few soft spoken if somewhat awkward words for a pretty girl.  No one had been more surprised that they’d been returned, nearly as hesitantly but with fervor, than he’d been.  The pink that had stained both sets of cheeks was conveniently forgotten with the newness of it all.

But normal was, by definition, out of the ordinary.  And for someone like him and the others, ‘normal’ just wasn’t in the cards.  From the moment they’d been detected as biotics, their lives had taken a sharp turn to port.  BAaT was supposed to have been a place for them to train and study … to learn and control … to become whatever it was his potential would lead him to become ….

Overnight, that had changed.  In less than twenty-four hours, he’d not only killed a man but managed to alienate anyone else in the facility who might have even been considered ‘friend.’  

As he stared at his reflection, he searched each line and crevice that crossed his features.  Deeper than before, shockingly stark and defined on such a young face.  Even if he ignored the bandage at the corner of his lips for the moment, the cuts there likely the only physical mark he would end up taking away from this experience.  The emotional one, hidden deep inside … that would remain a lot longer…

 _Monster …_   

There had been other words spoken, of course, most in fear and uncertainty, but that one had stuck and held.  Along with the sheer look of terror in Rahna’s eyes.  So charming and gentle and kind … and terrified, first of Commander Vyrnnus, then later of Kaidan, all because he’d come to her defense when the turian had deliberately harmed her.

Sighing, Kaidan’s eyes closed, but that only gave the memories a clear canvas upon which to replay.  Slow motion … fine tuned detail … every sound, every motion distinct … the buildup of rage and anger in response to Vyrnnus’ treatment of Rahna … the near explosion of power as it left him and landed squarely on his target … the sickening crunch of plates and bones as the turian hit the wall on the far side of the room … the blowback of debris from the force used to destroy not only a life, but the room around him, debris flying all over, catching him along the left side of his face ....

Kaidan’s eyes snapped open, the harsh sounds of heavy breathing echoing through the small bathroom shocking him back to reality even as the memories of cries and screams of classmates surrounded him.  Eyes wide open, pupils blown dark as he relived each and every moment, chest heaving as he recalled the aftermath.   _Aftermath …._

The whoosh of the door to the room opening behind him startled the teen enough that he couldn’t keep his hand from flaring blue with energy.  In the reflection of the glass, as his eyes began to refocus, he spotted the uniform and straightened.   _Time to face the music …_

 

 

 

* * *

 

_2170_

 

She stood in the small room, arms braced tightly against the sink, terrified that if she let go the world around her would come crashing down around her yet again.  More pieces.  Shock.  Awe.  Explosions and terror.  Screams.  The metallic smell of blood and death.  Confusion.  Chaos.  The stuff of nightmares.  The makings of a _living_ nightmare.  

Eyes wide, she searched the familiar features of the face before her.  Cerulean eyes, long black tresses curling and framing creamy pale skin.  Theory had it that there no two were ever exactly alike.  She was living proof that theory was wrong.  Or, rather, _they_ had been.  Until that night.  The celebration.  Festivities of a successful harvest.  Another year past, a new one to begin.  Giggles of teenaged girls fussing over who would get to dance with which boy.  Voices raised in harmony despite the challenge of who might win his attentions.

_Screams of terror.  Shouts of alarm.  Harsh orders given in foreign tongues that most did not understand.  Panic …._

Tears filled the corners of her eyes, marking a path down her cheek, glistening in its reflection to show the way.  No more.  Out of five came one.  Some called her ‘lucky,’ she already hated the word with a passion.  Luck?  There was no such thing!  Where was luck when you survived and your family didn’t?  Where was it when those you cared about most were torn away and killed before your very eyes with one targeted rocket attack at the center of town where those who’d been captured were kept?  Where was it when you survived and they didn’t?  When the young children were taken against their will to become slaves?  Luck suggested good things achieved through one’s own actions.  What had she done but run?  That wasn’t luck … it was cowardice.

A tear caught along the jaggedly stitched edge beneath her right eye, pausing for a long moment before reluctantly releasing and continuing it’s journey.  Sniffing, she lifted her arm and absently swiped at the moisture, ignoring the jarring pain as healing flesh was disturbed.  How could a physical injury be any more painful than losing her parents?  Grandparents?  The other half of her whole?  

“Kaysey ….”

Voice hoarse still from swallowing back her screams, the refusal to allow the enemy to find her for three long days, it almost seemed foreign to her.  Reaching out, her fingers met the tips of those belonging to the reflection’s, pausing for a long moment as the cool glass bleed into the tips of bruised and bandaged fingers before beginning a journey up her arm and settling in around her shoulders.   _Cold.  So.  Damned.  Cold._  Serafina shuddered, a movement that shook her entire frame.  Would the cold ever go away?  Watching her image echo the movements, she couldn’t help but wonder if she would feel warm ever again.  

Eyes closing, she sought refuge from the memories, but found only a blank canvas for them to repeat their cycle of continuity.  

 _Smiles.  Laughter.  Dancing and singing.  The best harvest ever in the colony’s short history; an appropriate celebration to recognize the feat._ _Adults off chatting, exchanging stories from the season, discussing changes over the past year, bragging on their children.  Youngsters racing around, outside the circle of dancers, the joy of youth and exuberation clear in every motion.  The thrill of finally being accepted as an adult; of being asked to dance by a boy she’d had her eye on that year in school. The simple lives of simple folk, people at one with the land and their surroundings.  Explosions and sudden confusion when the unexpected arrives.  The sharp, biting edge of panic; screams of confusion, pain and terror as people try to make sense of what is happening around them.  The quick thinking and yet desperate actions of one boy, shoving you far enough out of the way that you can break free and run for safety …._

Gasping harshly, her eyes open, the reflection before her returned.  Eyes so dark, pupils blown wide, the true color could barely be seen around the edges.   _Running away … faster and faster, cursing the shoes your sister made you wear because you’re in a DRESS, dammit, you can’t wear your work boots with that!_

The sound of a door whooshing open behind her helped ground her, giving her an anchor on which to focus.  It took a moment before she could shift the focus of her eyes, though.  But when she did, she recognized a somewhat familiar face.  She’d known him for all of two days, had both cursed him as a bastard for making her leave her home behind while thanking him profusely for saving her from death.  Dark skin, dark eyes, dark hair.  He was one of the few to arrive; a last, desperate call for help sent by one soul whose name was lost to history.

She waited patiently for him to speak first.  This was his ship, after all.  She was but a guest.  But before he even opened his mouth, she thought she could guess his intention.  “You are sending me away,” she murmured.

He stepped forward, hand rising to rest on her shoulder.  She didn't shrug it off.  “I know a place,” he announced quietly, voice warm and smooth as molasses, “where you can heal.  A family willing to take you in.”  He sighed.  “A family in need of healing as much as you are,” he added as an afterthought.

“Where?” she asked.  Inevitable dread filled her at the thought of leaving Mindoir permanently.  That was her home.  Now, she had none.

“Earth,” he replied.  “Friends of mine I trust.” 

The sincerity behind his gaze ate away at her refusal.  The only other option was foster care, a system for those with no other options.  One in which she had no desire to become a part; a number, lost.  Was it truly possible to be anymore lost than she was at this moment?  Alone in a galaxy that didn’t care if she survived, one way or another?  No one cared, not really.  Had that been so, none of this would have happened in the first place.  Right?    

She heard a niggling whisper at the back of her mind, urging her to live.  To survive.  To become some _ONE_ , not a number.  A familiar voice, one that spent many a night after dark, whispering ideas for the future back and forth.  One that sang in harmony with hers from the moment of their shared birth.  One that was relying on her to speak for them both from now on ….

Finally, she nodded her agreement.  It was time to face the music.

 


	2. The Past is Gone

  


_A knife, drawn in anger, waving before him by one who knew well how to wield it.  Foreign as it was, a blade was still a blade and could kill just as easily._

_Adrenaline.  Self preservation instincts taking over.  Skills, though not dormant, still not fully trained.  All reacting to a threat; combining into something more than a typical reaction._

_The sickening crunch of plates and bone as they hit the wall behind … the last raspy breath of a man who despite his actions hadn’t deserved to die …._

Kaidan awoke with a jolt, breath rasping harshly in the air around him as he gasped, the dream-like memories playing havoc with perception of the present.  A quick glance around reminded him he was no longer at Jump Zero.  That was long past now.  Only the future lay ahead.  

But, what future?

The questioning had taken weeks, certainly.  When all others were finally released - some to go home to their families on Earth or in the colonies, others to remain for further training - he had been held back.  Separated.  Not quite incarcerated, but just as effective.  One last time, they said.  A few more questions.  But in the end, he’d been released like the others.  Escorted to the exits.  Free to go, to determine his fate.  Without a glance backwards or hesitation, he’d taken the first ship out of Gagarin Station … and run.

How long had it been now?  That was a question that constantly haunted him.  The ship had been leaving the system, headed ultimately for the Exodus Cluster.  When it had made port at Terra Nova, he’d disembarked, hoping to lose himself in the human colony.  To find a way to outrun his past.  To find a way forward.  

It hadn’t worked so far.

Oh, he’d managed to access his banking account back home, the one with the trust fund his grandparents had set up for him years ago that he’d never touched.  It wasn’t much, but he could milk it out for a while.  Long enough, anyway.  In the meantime, he’d find ways of supplementing his funds to get him by.  

At the same time, he’d also sent word back to his parents alerting them to the fact he was fine (he wasn’t, really, but they didn’t need to know that) and just needed some time to himself for a while.  To think.  To forget.  The last thing he’d told them was not to worry.  Byt the end of that first week, he’d stopped accessing his extranet message box and discontinued his instant messaging accounts just to keep from having to face the daily messages from his mother.  His father.  Aunts, uncles, cousins.  He wasn’t going to explain to them things he couldn’t even explain to himself.

Blinking back exhaustion now, he scanned his dimly lit surroundings again.  There was a chill in the air, he had no coat or sweater.  He didn’t like it, but he’d been through worse.  How long had it been?  A couple of years, at least.  Life was temporary, he’d discovered that early on.  Hold a job until the questions became too much, then leave and find another.  He’d managed to stay on Terra Nova for a while, but within a couple of months, he was seeking transport someplace else in the galaxy.  He tried to stick to human colonies.  Familiarity (of a sort) to help him through the initial adaptation into his new lifestyle, or so he told himself.  Short order cook.  Errand boy.  Runner.  Warehouse employee.  Overnight stockman.  Easy jobs.  Ones that didn’t require proof of education or experience.  Backbreaking work in most cases.  Only staying long enough until they approached with the inevitable announcement, “We were unable to verify your references.”

Weeks, months, even years had passed.  He wasn’t the same person he’d been before … though he still wasn’t certain of the one he was becoming.  The dreams often tried pulling him back in, reminding him of who and what he was.  A monster.  A murderer.  Unworthy.  At times, he would look around and see a familiar face in a crowd, one that had looked upon him with interest at first … until he’d tried to protect her.   _Monster._  Other times, he’d glance down at his hands and swear he saw red … or blue ….  Were his parents to pass him in the crowded streets today, he doubted even they would recognize him.  Where he used to take care of his appearance (insomuch as any teenage boy would), he now ignored it.  What was the point?  His hair was reaching what otherwise would be considered intolerable lengths, unwieldy without the care it used to receive.  Facial hair - scrub, he called it - darkening his chin more often than not these days.  Old clothes that fit poorly.  A frame that was underweight, though still maintained musculature.  He might be working odd jobs, but often they were heavy, manual labor type occupations.  

But it was his eyes that often told the story.  Or, at least hinted that a story was lying within, even if he was reluctant to discuss it.  The past was gone.  Why bring it up again?  Still, his prospects of a future weren’t so bright ….

Shortly after arriving on Elysium, he heard about Mindoir.  It only served to reinforce his idea of working only for humans, at human sponsored jobs.  Especially given his past.  It wasn’t that he was leaning towards anti-alien sentiment as it was just … easier.  Working with and for humans, less chance of him being associated with aliens and therefore less chance of the connection to Vyrnnus being made.  Right?  

“Randall.”

Kaidan turned, ignoring the use of the unfamiliar alias and instead eyeing his boss as the man approached.  Older, certainly no-nonsense, Kaidan had found him to be rather reasonable to work with over these past few weeks.  But the minute their eyes met, Kaidan recognized ‘the look.’  It was one he was becoming all too familiar with.  Sighing, he set the frying pan aside and reached for a towel to dry his hands.  So much for being a dishwasher in this dive.  He’d hope to squeeze another couple of weeks out of it, but apparently that wasn’t to be.  “Yes, sir.”

There was an awkward moment of silence and Kaidan understood that the man was having difficulty letting him go.  “Son … I’m afraid I can’t keep you.  None of your references are checking out and ….”

Kaidan nodded and sighed.  “Yes, sir.”  He didn’t bother to keep the rejection from his tone as he reached around to untie the apron that had been protecting his clothing from the dishwater.  “I understand.”

“Here.  Your pay through this week and just a little something extra … to help you get to the next one.”  He offered Kadan an apologetic smile.  “You’ve been a great help.”

Kaidan looked back up at the man and finally realized that the man was genuinely sorry to let him go.  “Thank you, sir,” Kaidan murmured, pocketing the credits.  “That’s very generous.”  And certainly unexpected given his experiences so far.  One job had even refused to pay him that current week’s worth of wages.

“Good luck to you.”

Kaidan shouldered his pack as he exited the diner.  Shoving his hands into his pockets, he began walking down the run down street towards the main strip, hoping that he might find inspiration along the way.  He had a routine for this - find something to eat, take the time to think about it, then start looking again.  A rumble in his stomach reminded him that the first part of that would definitely need attention as soon as possible.  

Half an hour and a number of blocks distant, Kaidan ducked into a small, rundown place that looked like it would provide him with the anonymity he was seeking just then.  A burger, fries and a beer later, he could at least feel somewhat satisfied that basic needs had been met.  He was fishing around in his pockets for credits when the woman who’d served him approached.  He passed over the credits and told her to keep the difference.  It wasn’t much, but at least it was something.  And it _had_ been a pretty good burger.

But instead of walking away, she tilted her head and gave him a considering look.  He raised a brow in response, confused as to her interest in him.  As far as he could tell, he’d done nothing out of the ordinary, opting to eat his meal in silence.  “You’re looking a bit glum,” she commented mildly.

Kaidan shrugged and reached for the last of his beer.  This, he’d been savoring.  “Just got fired from my job,” he countered, as if that would be all the explanation necessary.  He saw her face take on a more sympathetic look.  Apparently, it had been.

She remained by the table, still thoughtful as she tapped her pen against her chin.  After a time in which Kaidan began wondering if she was going to lecture him on the benefits to steady employment or something, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper.  Leaning over onto the edge of the table, he watched her scribble something before pushing the scrap towards him.  “If you’re not afraid of hard work, try that,” she told him.  

Kaidan frowned and glanced at the paper.  It was an address.  And a name.  “Okay?”  He couldn’t keep the question out of his tone.

Chuckling, she reached over to collect his plate.  “One of our regular customers,” she explained.  “He’s often looking for people to help out.  As long as you’re willing to do the work, they’ll take you on … no questions asked.”   _That_ caught his attention.  No questions … no background checks … no references ….  “Just tell them I sent you.  They’ll let you in.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kaidan felt the faintest stirrings of niggling doubt, but he shoved them aside.  No checks meant he’d be able to hold a job for longer than six or eight weeks at a time.  No questions meant they didn’t care about his background.  Likely, he wouldn’t have to apply under an assumed name, either.  He could be … himself.  For once.  Perhaps the past wasn’t so far gone as he’d thought.  “Thanks,” he finally replied as he stood.  “Maybe I’ll check it out.”  And without another word, he was out the door ….

 

* * *

 

Upon arriving at Earth, they took a shuttle down, switching to a skycar once they landed in order to complete the rest of the journey.  Serafina paid it all no mind.  Her life, such as it was now, was changing right before her eyes and yet she could find no energy to put interest in any aspect of it.  Except for the cold.  Still chilled to the bone, she spent the entire trip in the shuttle shivering, teeth chattering, goose pimples all over her entire body, even rising beneath the jacket they’d given her to wear.  She doubted she would ever be warm again in this lifetime.  However, unwilling to put that to the test just yet, they made a side trip - between the shuttle’s arrival and departure to their final destination in the skycar - and purchased a heavier, warmer coat.  Theory was, it should keep her warm.  

But it hadn’t.  Oh, it had certainly helped, but really when full consideration was given to the events happening around her, could anyone really expect her to ever feel warm again?  They were taking her ‘home’ they said; though deep inside she knew that she would never be able to do that again.  The past was gone.  Her parents, grandparents, her twin sister, even the family dog.  All gone.  She was the only survivor, and Serafina had already accepted that nothing would ever provide her with that sense of home she’d had for the first sixteen years of her life.   _Nothing._

The last leg of the journey, once they’d boarded the skycar, passed quickly enough.  To Serafina it seemed no longer than a few minutes between their departure from Vancouver to their arrival at the orchard out in the Interior.  Had she slept?  She didn’t think so, but then again, she’d not been paying close attention either.  The way things around her moved these days still seemed to carry that haze of confusion that she’d been experiencing since the attack on Mindoir.  Was it any wonder she lost track of time?  

Exiting from the vehicle, she shrugged deeper inside her coat, ignored the shivering still shaking her thin frame, and took a good long look at her surroundings.  The place was rather picturesque.  Mountains some distance away but close enough to add to the scenic backdrop.  From what she could see of the trees closest to the house where they had pulled up, they were well tended and cared for.  Flashes of color amongst the leaves seemed to indicate that the fruit was growing well and healthily.  Ever her father’s daughter, Serafina had decided at a young age she would follow in her father’s footsteps, becoming an agriculturist like him.  She’d picked up skills along the way - from him, from other family members, from courses at school and from practical experience.  And though it didn’t require a specially trained eye to see that the orchard was doing well, she suspected that the training did help when noticing some of the smaller details.

“Now remember,” her companion was saying as he led her up towards the door, “Mikhail and Katryn have gone through a lot over the past few years.  I wasn’t kidding when I suggested that they would need you to help them heal as much as they would be able to help you.”

Serafina turned so she could look up at him.  She said nothing, but then again, she didn’t need to.  Her body language was saying quite enough.  “Give them a chance, Serafina.  I’m not trying to suggest it will be easy for you.  In fact, I expect it will be one of if not _the_ most difficult challenges you ever have to face.  All I am asking is that you just give it a chance.”

Serafina sighed.  “This is the only way?” she asked.

“Would you rather live in an orphanage?” he countered.

She pulled her lower lip between her teeth and began worrying it, as if she was giving the idea due consideration.  But both knew it was just a delaying tactic.  “Sir …”

He smiled at her then, a hand coming up to her shoulder.  “David,” he reminded her gently.  “You aren’t a marine recruit having to report to me for duty, you know.”

Serafina actually managed a small smile at that.  Just the slightest tilt to one corner of her mouth, but it was something.  It was more than she’d been able to give over the past three weeks.  “Okay, David.”

His smile widened and he patted her shoulder.  “Thatta girl,” he murmured.  “Truthfully though, you’ll be doing me as much of a favor as they will be for you.  They’re good friends.  Been through hell.  I worry about them.”  

Their eyes met again and Serafina could see the unspoken, _and you_.  Serafina nodded, even though she still didn’t know the details.  Oh, he’d told her several times that he considered her cooperation in this matter as a personal favor, but never told her the reasons why.  It had her curious.  Probably more curious than she would ever admit aloud.  

David turned and knocked on the door then.  It was a short time before the barrier opened and Serafina noticed a tall and somewhat broad shouldered body silhouetted by the light behind it.  “Anderson!”  

David chuckled and reached out a hand.  “Mikhail.  Good to see you.”

Serafina watched the interaction closely, mentally taking notes.  It was clear that both knew the other well.  Anderson had told her that he’d served with Mikhail some years before, back before the man had retired.  There was a fondness recognizable in their greeting that backed that up.

“Come on inside,” Mikhail insisted, stepping to the side so that Anderson could move in first.  Turning towards her, she thought she heard his voice soften just a bit.  “And you must be Serafina.  Welcome.”

She managed a small smile and a nod.  “Thank you,” she murmured before following Anderson a few steps inside.  

“David!  How good to see you again!”

Serafina turned to find Anderson greeting a diminutive woman with a warm but gentle hug.  “Katryn, always a pleasure.”

As Katryn stepped back, Serafina found herself smiling.  She knew the woman to be older, of a similar age to her own mother, but this one reminded her of anything but.  Dark, curling hair, warm and rich skin tones and kind chocolate brown eyes turned towards her next as she extended a hand.  “And you must be Serafina.  Welcome.”

Serafina took the petite woman’s hand briefly, giving it a firm shake before releasing it.  “Thank you,” she murmured.  

Katryn returned her attention to Anderson then as she led them into the main portion of the house.  “David, you will be staying this time, won’t you?”

The way Anderson chuckled told Serafina that this was a commonplace question.  “Not this time, Katryn.”  The smile he gave her looked rueful.  “I know, I know.  I promised last time.  I’m sorry, but I have to get back to HQ for the debrief.  Maybe next time.”

_Debrief._  Though none of the three adults turned or looked at her in any way, Serafina knew they were thinking of her specifically.  Debrief about what had been found on Mindoir.  Debrief about escorting the lone surviving colonist all the way back to Earth.  Debrief as to why they’d placed her _here_ of all places.  Debrief as to what was to become of her.

“Let me help you get her things out of the car then,” Mikhail offered before both men turned and exited.  

A moment later, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, Serafina struggled for something to say.  Finally turning, she murmured, “Mrs. -”

“Please, it’s Katryn,” she announced, stepping towards Serafina, but still smiling pleasantly.  “And my husband is Mikhail.”  Serafina nodded.  “Do you prefer to go by Serafina?  Or maybe Sera?”

“I ….”  

Caught off guard, Serafina struggled to find her voice for a moment.  It felt … closed off.  Tight.  Non-existent.  No one but family had ever called her Sera.  Not even close friends.  To hear it, even as a passing reference to identification, had her feeling as if the walls around her were suddenly closing in.  Her chest tightened, an unbearably heavy weight now laying upon it.  She felt almost … dizzy.   _The past is gone_ , she reminded herself.  But some things, it seemed, would be haunting her for a while.

A hand on her arm, squeezing, helped her find focus and gave her an anchor to chase back.  “I’m so sorry,” she could hear Katryn saying.  “I didn’t mean to distress you.”

“It’s … it’s okay,” Serafina finally rasped, her other hand rising to touch Katryn’s.  Another anchor to help pull her back.  Blinking back tears, she whispered, “I just … I prefer Serafina … please ….”

“Of course.”  Katryn began leading her through the house then, up a flight of stairs, down a hallway, but Serafina barely noticed.  At least, not until she was led inside of a room and she heard Katryn saying, “This will be your room.  The view out that window,” she pointed to one near the far corner, “looks out over the northeast fields.  I’m sure you noticed on the drive in: the main road out that way will take you back into town if you go south.  If you go a few miles north, to the next orchard, you’ll find Mikhail’s brother’s family.”

Serafina tried to find solace in listening.  In processing the information she was being given.  In adapting to her surroundings.   _The past is gone_ , she reminded herself yet again.   _It’s time to look forward._  “Will I ….”  She glanced over at Katryn for a long moment, chewing on her lip again.  “Would it be possible for me to work with the trees?” she finally asked.  She wasn’t certain why it was so important to her, just that it was in that moment.

If the woman was surprised by the request, though, she didn’t show it.  “Of course, dear,” Katryn assured her.  “I’m sure Mikhail would be glad of the help.”  She flashed a small grin at Serafina.  “I don’t participate directly,” she explained.  “Not since my first visit here years ago when I mistook a tree sprout for some sort of weed.”

Mikhail entered the room some few minutes later and set the bag he’d retrieved from Anderson’s vehicle aside on the floor.  Though he didn’t know its source, the sight of the two women smiling and laughing was a sign of good things to come, he thought.

 


	3. Like Dusk to Dawn

“Alenko.  Boss wants us to head out now.”

Kaidan glanced up from his omni-tool.  “Just a minute,” he called over, fiddling with the code he’d been working on just a little bit more.  All he needed was just one more minute to fine tune it ….

“C’mon, man!  I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want him on my case if we don’t get this job done in time.”

Still, Kaidan hesitated for a moment.  Only when a satisfying beep sounded from his ‘tool did he rise and follow.  He would not be rushed, and everyone in the organization knew aht at this point.  “Alright.  Let’s go.”  

As they traveled quickly and quietly through the streets of Illyria, Kaidan found his thoughts drifting backwards.  How long had it been since that day in the diner?  Nearly two years now, wasn’t it?  In some ways, it felt no longer than a day or two at most.  Two years of relatively steady employment.  Two years of being himself.  Of using his own name and not fearing repercussions because of it.  Two years of living that he’d not thought he’d ever get to enjoy again ….

Sort of.

Kaidan felt a frown pull at his features as he and his companion turned down an alleyway.  Had he known then what he knew now about the organization he’d come to work for, well, he wasn’t certain if he would have followed up on the tip the waitress (Ana, her name had been he found out later) gave him that night.  It had been an address.  One located in a shady part of town.  A darkened and somewhat dilapidated looking building.  At first, he’d thought it would end up being just another warehouse type of job.  Overnight shifts, maybe.  

Boy, had he been mistaken.  

Then again, he’d been desperate enough at the time to give it a try when, after speaking with ‘the boss’ for just five minutes, he’d been offered an unspecified position.  The choice between work and money versus unemployment and starvation had been an easy enough decision at the time.  

They’d given him a week to learn the ropes.  He’d impressed them by learning them in three days.  From there, they’d taken to slowly introducing him to the details of the business itself:  one job at a time.  They’d quickly come to realize that his ability to focus so intently on the task at hand was unique for someone his age.  The fact that he could narrow his concentration to the job at hand, asking questions that were only absolutely necessary to get it done were a plus.  He was not one for stalling or using delaying tactics, either.  Another bonus point.  Always prepared, he often came up with ingenious ideas to assist with the job, too.

Like tonight.  The code he’d been working on earlier was one he’d been given to use to override security protocols at their next assignment.  However, upon looking through it, Kaidan had seen opportunity to substantially improve the quality and performance of the code.  So he’d spent a good couple of hours during his normal preparation time fine tuning it.  This wasn’t the first time he’d done such a thing, either.  He was becoming quite well known among the group for his ingenuity, especially when it came to tech issues.  From his first assignment where his job had been to deactivate security protocols at a site for which he’d received praise and commendation from the boss for his speed and efficiency, to more recent missions involving the redirection and rotation of security camera feeds in such a pattern as to keep their presence from being known, he’d excelled.  Kaidan had no concerns that the boss would be anything but pleased this time.  He was the best tech person in the organization.

He and Jolek, his companion tonight, arrived at their destination a short time later.  Quickly, quietly, Kaidan moved into position and began working on the security protocols protecting the building.  He did not know the ultimate goal of this mission - his presence at this time (as in the multiple instances over the past two years) was simply to deal with the security issues and other potential threats, making sure that his other companions along on the mission could get in and out quickly and unnoticed.  

Within less than five minutes, Kaidan was signalling his partner it was safe to enter.  Kaidan followed in after him.  

Jolek led the way through the maze of corridors and stairways.  Kaidan assumed he had a map on him given the ease with which he was leading the way, but that wasn’t surprising either.  Each person on a team had a specific set of duties, none of which crossed over.  Though in some ways, Kaidan thought this was a liability (after all, if something happened to one of the members, how were the rest to continue on the mission), it had served well enough during his stay with the organization.

“In here,” Jolek hissed, gesturing towards a door to their left.  The access terminal on the outside of it indicated it was heavily secured.  Kaidan moved forward to begin the tedious process of bypassing the block.

Everything was going fine … until footsteps could be heard approaching from a distance.  

“Hurry up!” Jolek growled, pulling out the pistol he carried.  

“I can’t make it go any faster!” Kaidan insisted, though he remained kneeling beside the terminal, fiddling with his omni-tool in an effort to prove otherwise.  

And still, the steps came closer.  The pounding sound taking on a steady, thrumming tempo … one that soon began to trigger pain at the back of his head.  Shit … not now! Kaidan thought.  Only once had a migraine kept him from a mission, and that had been early on.  Three other times since, thankfully only one had begun while on a mission which he’d been able to deal with by dropping immediately into his bunk and sleeping it off for the next day or two upon their return to headquarters.  Kaidan wasn’t so much frightened that the others would discover his proclivity for the headaches as he was that they would discover the reason behind them.  In the past two years, Kaidan had not used his biotics once on any single mission.  He had a suspicion, having viewed how the boss tended to bring in specialists for most missions, that if he were to openly show that he was a biotic, the boss might begin to use him in ways that Kaidan didn’t want or approve of.  Either that, or the boss might just boot him out of the organization altogether, like most non-biotics would, exposing him as a ‘freak’ and unworthy of being around ‘normal’ people.  

The door was just beginning to slide open when the Kaidan and Jolek heard a deep voice from down the hall shout, “Halt!”

Kaidan was just closing his omni-tool and moving towards the entrance when he heard a gunshot ring out … and the immediate groan of pain followed by a muted thud; the body falling to the floor.  Turning back, eyes wide, Kaidan challenged, “But …. why?  You didn’t need to do that!”

“Get inside!” Jolek hissed, pushing Kaidan ahead of him.  “Forget him - we’ve got a mission to finish!”

Kaidan glanced one last time over his shoulder as they entered the room, the door sliding shut almost immediately.  It was pointless for him to argue, and yet he could not stop himself from thinking about it.  Up to this point, there had never been any killing involved in any of the missions he’d been out on.  Their main focus had been on speed, efficiency and getting in and out of a location undetected.  He might not have needed to know the main goal of a mission, but whatever it was tonight, if it meant that the others with him were allowed to kill indiscriminately ….

Within five minutes, Jolek was back beside Kaidan.  “Let’s get out of here,” he ordered, nodding at the door.  Still somewhat stunned, Kaidan nodded automatically and opened the barrier.  Kaidan followed behind, Jolek leading the way back out of the building the direction from which they’d come.  Everything was still going well and according to plan and they were still within the specified timing, barely.

However, that changed the moment they stepped outside of the building.  The security hack Kaidan had used on the building’s system was still working - the building lights in the area still off, including the indicator lights on the security cameras - yet there were three guards standing there waiting for them as Kaidan followed Jolek outside.  Jolek immediately lifted his pistol and took aim, snarling obscenities at the guard who ordered him to stand down.  

Kaidan, still in a state of shock, again began reacting as if he were on automatic.  As another guard took a step towards him, he lifted his right hand, now glowing bright blue as he pulled dark energy around him.  He could both see and hear the guards gasping, recognizing immediately who and what he was, but by that point it was too late.  The old mnemonic came easily (wouldn’t Commander Vyrnnus have laughed at that?), flying off of his fingertips and capturing two of the guards in the stasis field before they could move.  Kaidan turned to face the third one when he heard another gunshot and saw the man fall to the ground before him.  Again?!

Jolek said nothing, reaching for Kaidan’s arm and pulling him sharply, leading him away from the area and back down the alleyway from which they’d originally entered.  From there, it was a matter of weaving their way across town, an intricate path of switchbacks and false trails, on the off chance that one of the guards managed to break free and follow.  Within ten minutes, Jolek pulled Kaidan aside down a different alleyway, leaning heavily against the wall in a dark corner, body folding over at the waist, hands on knees in an effort to catch his breath.  “Man,” he gasped after a moment, chest heaving as he both struggled to catch his breath and laughed, “I thought we were goners!  Why’ve you been keeping that shit so quiet, Alenko?  Shit!  If the boss knew ….”

Kaidan’s eyes closed tightly.  He was hunched over as well, but he was not straining so hard to breathe.  “I didn’t want it known,” he muttered, a voice barely audible, but it didn’t matter.  No doubt Jolek would be reporting that detail to the boss once they returned to headquarters.

Their return was noticed immediately, of course.  And, as Kaidan had feared, Jolek informed the boss of what had happened.  To the last detail.  Within an hour of their return, Kaidan heard a knock at the door to his room (he’d retreated straight to his bunk to lie down, the migraine having exploded along with Jolek’s last gunshot).  Arm falling to his side, Kaidan half rose and looked over at the door.  

The boss entered quietly, closing the door behind him.  “Sounds like you and I need to have a discussion, Alenko,” he intoned in a deceptively calm tone.  Kaidan could feel the dread building in the pit of his stomach ….

 

 

* * *

 

 

The creak and groan of the back door opening served as a sort of alarm for Katryn.  A quick glance at the clock verified her conclusion.  However, the single footfall behind it - booted, heavy and achingly familiar in weight and step -  was an alert of another sort.  Turning from her dinner preparations, she met her husband’s eyes across the kitchen while wiping her hands on the towel at her waist.  Katryn tried to hide her disappointment, but she knew she failed by the hint of sorrow she could see behind Mikhail’s dark eyes.  “Not tonight?”

He shook his head as he removed his heavy coat.  “No.  She asked me to tell you to go ahead with dinner.  She will eat later.”

Sighing, Katryn felt her shoulders slumping in defeat.  How many nights over the past months had this happened?  It had taken a while before it manifested - after all, settling into a new place did take time.  But, once Serafina had been given permission to assist with the orchard, once she’d been able to get out there and become more involved, more invested in something, it had become a recurring habit of hers to remain out in the greenhouse for as long as possible of an evening.  

Not that the young woman’s involvement was to be discouraged, Katryn knew.  From what David had told both her and Mikhail before Serafina’s arrival, her losses were of the type that could lead most to irreversible despair.  Though quiet and often off by herself, Serafina had tried to fit in as well as she could at the orchard.  Once school began, Katryn had found her very amenable and willing to shoulder that responsibility - almost to the point of focusing on it too much, if such a thing were possible.  Serafina would rise early to prepare for the day ahead before meeting the school bus.  Upon return home at the end of the day, she would sit in the kitchen to complete her homework (at which time Katryn would attempt to get her to eat something to tide her over until later) before heading out to assist in the orchard.  Often, she would not return to the house until late.  Only then would she grab a small plate, eat, and then head to bed.  

Though Katryn understood the weight of such a loss, she couldn’t help but wonder if the teen wasn’t hiding from life more than anything.  Lord knew it was what she wanted to do given Kaidan’s absence in his parents’ lives.

Gesturing towards the table, Katryn now ushered Mikhail inside.  “You’d best wash up then.  Dinner’s ready.”  As he crossed to the sink, she began making plans for later.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Routine had become Serafina’s best friend since arriving at the orchard.  A plan of the day, one in which she knew every minute would be taken up leaving her no other option but to remain busy and therefore allowing her no time to dwell on the things that could not be changed.  If asked, she would probably openly admit that it was not, perhaps, the best path to take.  However, it was a path and at that moment in time it was providing her with a solution that worked.  From the moment she rose before sunrise, to the instant her head hit the pillow at night, she kept busy.  

For months this had been going on.  When school was in session, it was in many respects much easier to accomplish.  The necessities of studying and completing assignments in order to achieve good grades often kept her mind so occupied, she could go the entire day without a memory creeping in and grasping hold of her heart.  The holidays and other breaks from her education, however, proved to be more difficult.  Especially in that first year.  But then she had found her salvation quite unexpectedly.

So intent on her work at that moment was she that Serafina didn’t hear the creaking and groaning of hinges desperately in need of oil or the approach of soft footsteps.  In fact, nothing broke her concentration until she felt gentle hands at her shoulders as they lay something a bit heavier across them.  Startled, she gasped softly, straightening, but her hands rose out of instinct, meeting Katryn’s over the edge of the fabric.  Her eyes followed the same path and …  She frowned.  Blue?  Turning, she grasped the item Katryn had placed around her and pulled it down to her lap.  It didn’t take long for the smile to break free and a soft laugh to escape.  “A sweater?!”

Katryn chuckled and nodded as she set an old thermos on the table beside Serafina’s work station.  She moved to open it and was soon pouring some of the contents into two old cups she’d also brought with her.  Setting one close enough for the scent to waft towards the younger woman, she began,  “I know Mikhail and I have not spoken of our son often,” a sad smile pulled at her lips, “but I suspect if he were here right now, he would be admonishing me for not having allowed you use of his sweater before now.  You certainly can make more use of it than if I leave it packed away in hopes for further use.  Besides,” she added, a playful grin turning her mouth upwards, “it matches your eyes quite well.”

Serafina smiled and quickly removed her coat, donning the sweater and pulling her long hair free to hang down her back.  “It’s lovely,” she assured Katryn, enjoying how the sleeves extended past the tips of her fingers.  “And so warm!”  For the first time in ages, Serafina could say that she actually felt … warm.  

“I should hope so!” Katryn laughed.  “That sweater took me quite a while to finish, and it’s all heavy wool.”

“Thank you.  I’ll take good care of it,” Serafina promised.  Then turning towards the work bench, she noted the hot liquid.  “Now, what’s this?”

Katryn’s smile widened.  “I may not work the orchard directly,” she explained, “but I know how to make a mean cup of hot apple cider.  Perfect for those cold evenings out in the greenhouse.”

Serafina lifted the cup and took a cautious sip.  Apples, cinnamon, cloves … and a touch of something more.  “Oh!” she gasped in delight, eyes widening in surprise.

Katryn laughed again.  “Apple brandy.  Just a touch,” she added.  Turning towards the work table herself, she nodded at Serafina’s current project.  “So, what is this you’re working on, hmm?  Do I have a right to know what keeps you from my home cooked meals of an evening?”  There were several books lying open, some with marked passages, a pad of paper and a pen with a few lines of scribbled notes, and the most important thing, a small pot from which the evidence of Serafina’s hard work was beginning to emerge from beneath the dirt.

Serafina smiled, her free hand reaching out to gently caress one of two small, green leaves.  “This is my baby,” she murmured.  She knew well and good that Katryn was aware of her attempts to continue work on a hybrid apple tree that Mikhail had begun a few years back, but after certain several failures along the way and certain events in his personal life, he’d lost interest in it.  Her attempts at continuing the process weren’t much to her way of thinking, but Serafina was finding that if nothing else, it was a turning into a healing sort of process as well as a tremendous learning experience.  All of the skills she’d learned from her family, plus those she’d picked up over the past couple of years while living here were finally being put to good use.  She’d not recorded much in the way of success so far, and Mikhail had teasingly labeled the potential fruit of her efforts Shepard’s Folly, yet that hadn’t stopped him from giving her advice when asked or assisting in any way that he could.  In some ways, Serafina would have sworn that Mikhail was enjoying her experience as much as she was.

Katryn nodded.  “It’s definitely making progress,” she observed.  

Serafina nodded and gestured towards her notes.  “I think … I hope this time I’ve gotten it right,” she admitted.  She couldn’t stop a slight flushing of her cheeks as she admitted, “I even contacted Aaron for his advice on a couple of issues.”

Katryn’s smile widened as she thought fondly of her nephew.  Of an age as her own son, Aaron was rapidly working his way up in the agribusiness profession.  Considering his roots in the family business, she wasn’t surprised at all by his success.  “Good idea,” she agreed after a moment.  Turning to face Serafina, Katryn felt a small teasing grin form.  “However, as late as it is, as cold out here as it is, and seeing that you have school bright and early in the morning … why not come inside for some supper and then get some rest?”  She nodded towards the tree.  “I think it’s safe to say that your ‘baby’ is doing well enough for tonight, hmm?”

Serafina laughed softly but nodded agreement.  “Alright … just let me get things cleaned up and put away out here.  I’ll be along shortly.”

As Katryn turned to leave, gathering the thermos and cups once more, Serafina hesitated.  Biting at her lower lip, she darted a quick glance over.  “Katryn?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”  Serafina gestured casually around the greenhouse, at the desk, her arm extending vaguely in the direction of the main house.  “For everything, I mean.  I hope you and Mikhail know much I appreciate it.”

Katryn stepped closer and in a motherly sort of fashion, lifted her hand to brush a few errant strands of hair away from Serafina’s eyes.  The fact that Serafina did not flinch from the move showed signs of her personal progress over the years as well.  “I think you know it has been a two way street.”  

Serafina nodded.  She’d not ever poked or prodded, keeping questions of curiosity locked deep inside.  If there was anything to which she could personally relate, it was to having a healthy respect for their consideration in similar regards.  She was not about to break that.  “I do.”


	4. Dues to Pay

Kaidan couldn’t fight off the growing sensation of being trapped.  It was a feeling he most assuredly didn’t appreciate, either, having been its victim a time or two over the years.  But this time … this time, it was nearly as bad as the day that his life had changed forever ....

~_~_~_~_~_~_~

_The doctor’s visit over, Kaidan was quick to get dressed once again.  He could hear the doctor and his parents just outside the door, their voices hushed but loud enough that he could at least distinguish which was speaking at any given time; the calm reassurances of the doctor, the worried warbles of his mother, the solid yet stoic edge of his father.  This appointment had been made quickly, within a week of the ‘incident,’ though Kaidan thought he already knew what had happened.  Ever since that outing with Aaron, that hunting ‘accident’ up in the mountains just north and west of the family lands, he’d been doing a bit of research on the extranet.  There wasn’t much out there to be found, but what he had come across, Kaidan couldn’t say he’d found very reassuring._

_BIOTICS._

_He frowned as he pulled his shirt over his shoulders and began sliding buttons through their holes one by one.  The word itself hadn’t meant much to him when he’d used his unknown skills to protect his cousin from the rabid wolf that had sprung out of nowhere while he was trying to take a shot at the deer.  But, from one moment to the next, it had meant the difference between life and death.  It had also frightened the both of them.  So much so that, for the briefest of moments, Kaidan had seen fear of HIM in his cousin’s eyes, too.  That had been brief, thankfully, and by the time they’d returned to their respective homes, they’d both agreed that Kaidan would tell his parents what had happened and allow them to decide how to move forward._

_That had resulted in this trip to Vancouver; a visit with a specialist who had poked, prodded and examined, who had done scans and and bloodwork and was now (if Kaidan was hearing correctly as he moved over to listen through the door) confirming that Kaidan did indeed have the eezo nodules indicative of a person with biotics._

_A soft sob and the low rumbling murmurs of his father told Kaidan more than he needed to know of his mother’s reaction to the situation.  His father’s, well … Kaidan suspected it would be like usual.  Gruff and resolute at the same time, not so much harsh or angry as withdrawn about things he could not or would not understand.  Kaidan had lived with that now for almost fifteen years.  It was just how his dad was.  It didn’t make it any easier to get along with or communicate with the man knowing this, but hey … he was who he was.  Just like Kaidan was becoming his own person.  With a heavy sigh of resignation, he reached for the door and mentally prepared himself for what was to come.  Everyone had to pay their dues in life … it was time that he learned to face his …._

~_~_~_~_~_~_~

_“You’ve been holding out on us.”_

Though the boss hadn’t said it in anger, Kaidan still heard those words all these weeks and months later.  Felt the weight of them on his shoulders, pinning him down with more doubt and indecision than he’d had to face since BAaT.  Though not specified in so many words, ‘holding out’ had translated into ‘we’re disappointed’ to Kaidan.  Though not visible at first, in the first few weeks after their talk, the boss had sent him out with a new purpose.  He was given more responsibility.  A larger role in the operations.  It gave them a chance to re-evaluate him knowing now what skills he had.

Also more of a hold on him.  

Guilt was an interesting emotion, Kaidan came to realize.  The one on the receiving end though not necessarily helpless, certainly felt obligated to do as instructed.  Why exactly Kaidan allowed that to happen was something altogether different.  Perhaps it was because the boss didn’t reach for it all at once, only gradually increasing Kaidan’s sense of obligation until, before Kaidan even realized it, he was well in over his head.  Maybe it was carryover from what had happened with Rahna.  Did he feel guilty about that?  Sure.  Would it haunt him the remainder of his days?  He had no doubts about that.  All he’d been trying to do was protect her, do the right thing, yet in return all she’d done was to shun him.  Who knew what would have happened if he hadn’t intervened, right?

But then again, the person on the giving end of the guilt … well, Kaidan could now quite clearly see that it was more than just a power trip.  The boss was one who rode high on his ego, of that there was no doubt.  Kaidan had seen that enough over the past two years.  But this … this was more than that.  The power to get Kaidan to do what the boss wanted, to participate in missions he openly _knew_ Kaidan would not like or would have, under other circumstances, refused or objected to, that was a feat in itself.  A very subtle and clever one that Kaidan came to realize too late.  He should have guessed when he began to see the boss smirking softly after giving his assignment.  The boss knew damned good and well that many of these situations went against Kaidan’s better judgement and that the younger man didn’t want to be a part of them.  

And, Kaidan suspected, the worst was yet to come.

The briefings often took place a day or two in advance of any given operation.  Mostly, this was to give the individuals involved sufficient time for any additional preparations necessary.  In past, Kaidan had used this time to fine tune security programs or even rewrite the code altogether.  More and more of late, he’d been using this time to dwell on his current situation, searching desperately for some way out.  Back when he’d first joined, the boss had announced that if at any time he’d wanted to just up and leave, he’d be free to go.  No questions asked.  Over the months and years, Kaidan had seen this happen a few times, but now as he thought back on it, he realized that the ones who had left had been low level ‘employees,’ cannon fodder as he’d overheard the boss refer to them once.  But now?  Seeing that the boss viewed Kaidan and his biotic abilities as his new ‘toy of the moment,’ even that avenue of departure was closed off.  

“Alenko.”

Swallowing back a combination of resentment and despair, Kaidan straightened where he stood in the back of the room, eyes lifting to meet the man now moving in front of him.  He ignored the others turning to watch.  The feeling that something important, something life-changing, was about to happen was almost palpable.  “Yeah?” he replied.  The boss always wanted acknowledgement from the person to whom he was speaking.

“I have a very special assignment for you this time.”  

Kaidan felt his skin beginning to crawl as the boss’ voice dropped, the devilish hint of betrayal coloring his tone.  It took every effort to keep his instinctual reaction - the flaring of his biotics in this case - from taking over control even though his gut told him it was a necessary precautionary measure.  By the way that the boss eyed him, dark orbs darting first from his face to his hands and then right back upwards again, Kaidan could see that the man sensed this.  Or maybe he’d just been observant the one or two times Kaidan hadn’t been quite so in control.  Either way, Kaidan felt a tingling at the back of his head ever so slowly starting to increase despite his best intentions.

“This time,” the boss began, his tone nearly a purring sound as he clearly took great enjoyment in his announcement, “you will be our hit man.”  Turning back to face the handful of others in the room, the boss grinned widely, his laughter as haunting as it was evil.  “Our target this time, folks, is Tareth Lyringe.”

Kaidan froze, eyes searching for and finding the boss’.  Tareth Lyringe - one of the galaxy’s most well respected businessmen and now up and coming politician.  Word was that his place in Parliament on Arcturus Station would soon be vacated so he could take on a larger, more important role.  He and two others were the movers and shakers of this generation, leading the Alliance and humanity into better times and associations with the Council and other races.  A target for kidnapping, sure.  Kaidan knew the boss wasn’t above that, though he’d never been a direct part of such an operation before.  But this time …  The term ‘hit man’ implied that it was to be an assassination.  

The sneer that crossed the boss’ face indicated that he’d guessed Kaidan’s line of thinking.  “That’s right, Alenko.  You’ll be joining the big leagues with this mission.”  Facing the others again, he announced, “Our goal this time is the assassination of Lyringe.”

The words had barely sunk in before Kaidan’s head began shaking negatively as he bit out flatly, “No.”

The room around him fell silent, all eyes coming to rest solely upon him.  “What was that?” the boss countered, his attention turning back to focus on him.  Kaidan missed the gleam of anticipation that flared behind the man’s eyes.

“I said no,” Kaidan replied, his voice strong though his mouth was dry.  

“You are refusing me then?”  There was an almost obscene hint of amusement in the boss’ tone as he replied.  “You might want to rethink that.”  

Kaidan took a deep breath, about to repeat his insistence that he wanted no part of this mission.  That he’d had enough death to last him a lifetime, and that wasn’t even counting the lives taken by other members of the organization during the past few years.  Vyrnnus’ death had been an accident.  The boss was asking for something else.  Murder was not an option, and that was non-negotiable in Kaidan’s book.  However, Kaidan held himself in check, his thoughts silent as he saw the boss raising his hand.  The boss’ omni-tool was lit up and activated, flashing a red indicator light which signaled that a message was ready to send.  Frowning, Kaidan returned his gaze to the other man.  “And why is that?” he asked, wariness evident.

“If you refuse,” the boss told him while beginning to walk around him, circling like a bird of prey would around carrion, “I will send this message.  This message will then be delivered to an eight man team I sent on ahead just for this purpose.”

Confusion was not something Kaidan wished to announce, but he needed to ask the question.  “What purpose is that?”

“If you refuse to cooperate … Well, let me put it this way: it would be an unfortunate thing to discover that one’s family is not quite so safe and secure as one originally thought, now wouldn’t it?”

Kaidan felt the chill speed down his spine from head to toe and branch out to every limb in between at the implied threat within the boss’ words.  Cold enveloped him, devoured him, slowed his feeling, his thinking, even his response.  “My …”

“It would be such a shame to have the family orchard end up on the auction block when no heirs were found left alive to take over operations, don’t you think?”

_Cold.  Bone chilling ice that could keep a man from breathing.  From thinking …  From feeling.  Ice blue cold … that seeped deep within the body and turned anger to resolve, despair into determination … cold into warmth of another variety … but with a powerful kick …._

 

* * *

 

Seated at the kitchen table, Serafina finally sat back from the datapad in front of her, groaned and dropped her head until it rested upon her arms, grumbling loudly and in a bit of exasperation, “If I _never_ have to write another paper analyzing the differences between asari and human literature _ever_ again, it will be too soon!”

The soft chuckle from across the room was not a sympathetic one.  “Oh, I don’t know about that,” Katryn replied as she worked at the stove.  “You never know when that topic of discussion might come up in friendly conversation.”  Serafina just grumbled some more, burrowing her face deeper into sweater-covered arms, hiding in the blessed oblivion that was warmth.  “Speaking of school,” Katryn continued a moment later, “graduation will be coming up in a few months.  Have you started thinking about what you’d like to do afterwards?”

Serafina’s sigh, though heavy, was not one of frustration or irritation.  Rather, it was one filled with indecision.   _Started thinking?_  She had several possibilities floating around, all of them as equally interesting and attainable as they were varied.  So far, she’d had little luck in narrowing down her choices.  There had been a time when she’d thought to take over for her parents, running the family farm, but that idea had died the day Mindoir had been attacked.  “I’ve started, … yes,” she admitted.  The quick look she tossed over at Katryn, Serafina hoped would keep the woman from taking the discussion any further.  The last thing she wanted to do this evening was discuss it.  Though the past two years had done a great deal to help her recover and heal from her personal losses, when it came to making decisions about her future and what direction she should take, they seemed to be returning in a rather painful flood.  It was something she tried not to court too often.

Their conversation was brought to a quick end on its own, however.  Serafina was just starting to clear her things off the table as Katryn began laying out dinner plates and utensils when they both heard a frighteningly familiar rapport from outside of the house.  “That was …,” Katryn started.

“A rifle shot,” Serafina finished as their eyes met, equal measures of question and concern present.  Though Mikhail often carried a weapon with him when away from the house (an old habit from his military days that refused to die even in retirement), it was rare that he would ever have to use it.  Of the couple of instances she could recollect since her arrival, Serafina remembered both involved injured wild animals being put out of their misery.  And none had ever been this close to the house.

Katryn’s eyes narrowed in concern.  “Perhaps we should -”

Another shot rang out, followed almost immediately by a longer series of what clearly was back and forth gunfire.  All of this cut off Katryn’s suggestion and Serafina felt all warmth leave her body as a cold chill descend over her, eventually nudging her into making a decision.  Blatantly ignoring the memories that were suddenly triggered, she turned instead to hurry out of the kitchen and down the hall.  Ducking into Mikhail’s study, she quickly located and retrieved the hunting rifle that he had given her the autumn before when he’d tried to convince her to go hunting.  She’d refused at the time, the rifle such a strong reminder of her last three days on Mindoir, alone and on her own after the batarian attack.  

From a young age, Serafina’s father had taught both her and her twin to shoot.  Mostly because living outside of town on the farm meant that they’d occasionally come face to face with situations in which they would have to defend themselves or their livelihood.  Other times, there were hunting trips.  In those couple of months before the attack, Serafina had actually just been invited to join the school’s shooting team because of her skill.  But hunting and shooting at targets that couldn’t fight back were one thing.  Self defense was something altogether different … and it had a harder, rougher and yet all too familiar edge to it.  It should have frightened her just how quickly she adopted that mien.

“Serafina -”  

Serafina turned as Katryn followed her into the study, the weight of the rifle in her hands already recognized, accepted and put out of mind.  Reaching for some ammunition, she murmured, “We need to get upstairs.  Lights out.  Not a sound.”  She noted the startled look that crossed Katryn’s features.  Serafina supposed she would seem different now.  She _felt_ different too.  The cold was creeping along, filling her blood, chilling her bones.  The memories were beginning to return, too.  Instinct kicking in and taking over.  

~_~_~_~_~_~

_“Life is filled with dues you will ultimately have to pay, child.”_

_Serafina looked up from the bowl of peas she was shelling for her mother, her eyes narrowing in confusion as she asked, “What does that mean, Gran?”_

_“That means you’ll end up owing more than you’ll get out of life!” Kaysey teased her twin, ducking away before Serafina could turn around and swat at her._

_“Kaysey!” their mother admonished, but Serafina noted that there was a twinkle of mischief in her mother’s eyes as she looked over.  Serafina only shook her head and looked back over at her grandmother, but a smile was pulling at the corner of her mouth.  Kaysey and their mother tended to share a similar sense of mischievousness and playful manner.  Serafina, so she’d been told, was much more serious.  Like her father._

_Chuckling softly, Gran reached over to pat Serafina’s shoulder.  “What I mean,” she responded, her voice lowering just a bit and becoming more serious, “is that in all things there will be a price to pay.  What exactly that price is and how you go about paying it you will have to decide for yourself ….”_

~_~_~_~_~_~

When Katryn didn’t move, Serafina reached out, her hand settling on the older woman’s shoulder.  “Katryn, we need to get upstairs,” she urged.

Katryn nodded, though it took her another moment before she could stir herself into full reaction.  Once they were making their way up the stairs, though, she asked, “Where to?”   

Serafina heard another round of shots from outside and tried to narrow down the direction from which they came.  “My room,” she replied, leading the way into the bedroom.  After Katryn followed her inside, she shut and locked the door before pushing a dresser in front of it.  The move might leave them cornered and certainly wouldn’t protect them for long if someone was determined to get inside, but not knowing the full extent of the situation, Serafina didn’t want to take the chance of anyone coming up behind them.  Hadn’t that been why she’d sought refuge for three days up that tree on Mindoir?  None of the batarians she’d picked off with her father’s hunting rifle had even glanced up in that direction.  They’d never known what hit them.

Gesturing Katryn to sit in the corner furthest from both the the hall and the windows, Serafina crept over to the windows and quietly pushed one of the panes open, finally kneeling down so she could use her scope to take a look around.  

The drive leading from the house to the main road was lined on either side by rows of trees, and though spring was nearing, their leaves had yet to show.  But that said, in the dark it was just as difficult to see among them as if they were fully in bloom.  After several minutes spent scanning the area as much as she could with her rifle scope, in the end it was a shot that helped her to identify the location of the intruders.  

The tinkling sound of breaking glass and the suddenness with which the small bit of light at the corner of the house went out caught Serafina’s attention immediately.  Back tracking the line of fire, she lifted her rifle and ….

“Gotcha,” she murmured softly.  A quick look was all she needed to see that the man was completely unknown.  A slight movement off to the right had her altering her angle just a bit.  Numbers Two, Three and Four were all gathered together in the same general area.  One of them, she noted, appeared to be talking into his omni-tool, though, which had Serafina only guessing at the total number of people.  

Just as she was about to switch her line of sight once again, she both heard and this time saw a shot through her scope, this one coming from the direction of the greenhouse (it had to be Mikhail, right?) and hitting number Three squarely in his shoulder.  This resulted in numbers Two and Four taking several shots in that general direction, and as she skimmed back over to number One ….

“He’s got a rocket,” she murmured.  Only then did she move into action.  She felt pretty safe in her assumptions that the ones shooting at the greenhouse were not friendly.  If anything, the rocket launcher was a pretty good indication of that.  Lifting the rifle to her shoulder, Serafina lined up her shot while at the same time taking account for the conditions outside ….

The brain, it had been said, could play tricks upon the mind.  Serafina had experienced that before.  This time, as two years before, she could have sworn she heard One gurgling as the shot hit him directly in his chest despite the fact that he was so far away from her.  

As soon as he was down, Serafina quickly reloaded and brought her scope back around to focus on the other three.  Either they were oblivious to what had happened, or they hadn’t yet noticed.  Four was still aiming his weapon from his position behind one of the trees while Two was attempting to give first aid to Three.  As certain as she was now that they were enemies, Serafina was not quite prepared to shoot them all down in cold blood.  Then again, she felt a certain sense of justification as she took aim and lined up her shot against Four.  He _was_ shooting at the greenhouse, wasn’t he?  His two companions could not miss what had happened to him as he jerked backwards just a bit before falling down to the ground.  Immediately, Serafina reloaded and turned to line up a shot against Two, expecting that he, since he was the only uninjured one left, would take up his weapon and begin firing as his friend had.  

This he did … but not towards the greenhouse as she’d expected.  He was just lifting his weapon (larger than a pistol, smaller than a hunting rifle, Serafina noted, though she could not tell exactly what it was) in her direction when her shot hit him squarely in his chest.  He, too, dropped.  This time, though, she was certain she hear the last companion screaming as Two fell upon him, deadweight.  

For now, her scope was empty, though she still could hear shots occasionally being fired.  After a few minutes, she decided that they were more towards the other end of the house and she turned to face Katryn, pulling her window shut behind her.  “We need to go to the other side,” she told Katryn.

The older woman nodded and Serafina could see what was in all likelihood shock settling in.  She winced.  “Katryn ….”

“No,” Katryn insisted as she rose to her feet and assisted with moving the furniture back into its original position so they could exit.  “I’m … I’ll be okay.  I just ….”

“Yeah.”

Stepping in front of Katryn, Serafina cracked the door and peeked into the hallway.  Another moment longer she spent simply listening.  When she was reasonably certain no one else was out there, she led Katryn down the hall and into hers and Mikhail’s room.  Again, she barred the door behind them before helping Katryn find a safe place and then moved to the windows.  

Serafina was just lifting her rifle to her shoulder so she could peer through her scope when she heard Katryn ask, “How did you know?”

Serafina darted a quick look over at Katryn.  “What to do?” she asked.  Katryn nodded.  Sighing heavily, Serafina’s eyes closed for a long moment.  “After the batarians attacked, I got away.  I ran for home, though I’m not sure exactly why.”  Her voice was low and dull toned as she spoke.  Each word was a different sort of battle against the memories of her past.  “When I got there, I changed clothing, found my father’s hunting rifle, grabbed a bag of food and ammunition and I ran.  I found a place to hide for the night and spent it hidden up a tree.”

Eyes opening again, she met Katryn’s gaze.  “I spent three days up that tree.  I shot anything that got too close to me.”

Katryn blinked.  “How close was that?” she asked softly.

Serafina’s eyes darkened, hardened.  “If I could see them, they were too close.”  

“How many?”

Serafina sighed.  “I lost count after the second day,” she admitted.  Then with a shrug of her shoulders, she continued, “Too many?  Not enough?  Take your pick.  When I was found by the Alliance patrol, though, they were in full retreat.”

The sound of gunfire outside had Serafina turning back to look outside.  She found Five and Six almost immediately by the firing of their weapons, and she couldn’t hold back a scoffing chuckle.  They made it all too easy.  Apparently, they hadn’t heard what had happened to their friends.  Seven appeared a moment later at a dead run.  As he spoke, his arms gesticulated wildly.  While Seven continued speaking, Serafina saw Five begin talking into his omni-tool.  So … either there was an Eight or more somewhere, or they were talking with Three who she had left behind.  

Eight appeared within a few minutes.  He, too, had a rocket launcher.  Same one as earlier or different, Serafina didn’t care as she lined up her shot.  She had no choice at all this time.  He was aiming it towards the house.  Raising her rifle just a bit higher than before, she calculated the adjustments and took the shot before he could finish.  Five, Six and Seven jumped backwards as Eight’s head took a direct hit.  She kept a close eye on them as she reloaded, ready to take another shot if one of them should reach for the launcher.

She didn’t have to worry about it.  Five howled a moment later, grasping his left leg as he fell.  The echoing of the shot finally made it up to her window and Serafina suspected that Mikhail was now taking advantage of the opportunity.  Six and Seven glanced down at Five before they both turned, arms partly raised, weapons in hand, and yet neither one finishing their move.  Serafina took out Seven with a shot to his back and as he fell, she saw Six clutch at his chest.  

Time seemed to stand still for a long moment then, the silence almost unnatural after the events of the past several minutes.  But finally, Serafina saw a tall form emerge from the greenhouse, his usual plaid work jack as identifiable as an identification card.  “Mikhail’s safe,” she told Katryn.

“Oh, thank God!”

Another minute or two passed and finally, Mikhail glanced up towards Serafina, his arm lifting in a gesture that told her it was over.  Nodding, she rose and turned towards Katryn.  “Mikhail says it’s safe now.”

Quietly, the two women descended back to the main part of the house, Serafina ducking into the study to replace her rifle and the rest of the ammunition, and by the time she arrived in the kitchen after Katryn, Mikhail was there.  Serafina hesitated in the doorway, but Mikhail wouldn’t allow it.  Striding across the room, he pulled her close into a bear of a hug.  Serafina found she couldn’t help but return it.  “You both are safe?” he asked when he released her.  “I put a call in to the authorities too,” he added in an aside to his wife.  “They’re on their way now.”

Serafina nodded.  “Yes, sir, we are.”

“Mikhail,” Katryn broke in, “who _were_ they?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted.  “I did a quick search of their bodies before I came in, but there was nothing to identify them.”

“Sir … I think …  I know I killed about five of them,” Serafina told him.

But where she expected to see dismay, perhaps, or something else, she found him smiling back at her instead.  “You did,” he agreed solemnly.  “The other three were mine.”  Serafina blinked, but the hard look he gave her brooked no argument.  She would ask him later if that meant what she thought it did, though what good the knowledge would do her she didn’t know.

“You are a damned good shot,” Mikhail told her under his breath as Katryn stepped away to finish getting dinner on the table.  “Have you considered using that as a career path?”

Serafina frowned up at him.  “Career path?” she echoed.  

“The Systems Alliance is always looking for good soldiers,” he pointed out.  “I’m sure they’d be delighted to have someone of your skill join their ranks.”

Serafina drew in a breath and opened her mouth to deny his suggestion, but an old, familiar voice echoing in the back of her head gave her pause.   _Everybody has their own dues in life they must pay.  The decision will come in how you decide to pay them …._  Eyes lifting to meet his, she tilted her head to the side a bit.  “Tell me more?” she asked.  

Guiding her over to the table, Mikhail responded, “I’d be glad to.”

  



	5. Nobody Knows

The investigation into the attack on the orchard was still ongoing when Serafina finally made her decision about her future plans.  After her initial discussion that night with Mikhail, she had taken a few weeks to simply think long and hard about what a future like that might mean for her.  Would she be able to do it?  Would she find satisfaction in it?  Was  it something she really wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to, or was she turning to it simply because all other options at the moment were just unsatisfactory ideas floating around before her?

In the end, her decision to become a soldier was simple enough, and for someone like herself natural, she supposed.  After much thought, she decided it was an inevitable conclusion: she was a survivor, after all.  How best could she use that if not in the service of helping others?  She had a proven ability to defend.  Sure, she needed more training - that would only be natural for someone of her youth.  But, why not use that skill to defend those who could not defend themselves?  Perhaps prevent other children from having to face what she had on Mindoir?  Was that not a worthy goal in life?

Beyond that, though, as Mikhail had pointed out, her abilities were specialized enough that she was certain to find them in demand, even within the military.  And Serafina had to admit that sniper school did sound like it would be a good match for her.  

The only remaining question was, when would she make it happen?  Technically, she turned eighteen in a couple of weeks.  She would be old enough to decide for herself just what it was she wanted to do (not that it was an issue really.  Mikhail and Katryn had assured her that the final decision would be up to her.  It was _her_ future, after all).  Any day, she could head down to the local recruitment office or even take a transport into Vancouver and just go sign up.  For that matter, she could take Mikhail up on his offer to contact Anderson and have him help her through the process.  

Or, she could remain at the orchard and finish out the school year.  It would end soon enough, and Serafina had been working hard to get through the remainder of school with honors.  That was a personal promise she’d made to the memory of her family, one no one else knew about.  If she were to quit now and enlist, she would lose all the hard work she’d put into it to this point and break that promise.

Whether he’d guessed at her reasons for hesitating or simply moved ahead on his own, Mikhail had reached out to Anderson who replied that Serafina would keep all of her school credits, receive her honors diploma and, should she prove a good enough candidate at basic, would be directed towards an officer’s path once she was a marine.  

The final piece of the puzzle to her future in place, Serafina agreed to leave on her birthday (if Anderson could arrange it - he assured her he could) and enlist.  Her future was set.

Except for one last task.

Sitting at the desk in her room, staring down at the pen resting lightly between her fingers, the blank vastness of the page before her, Serafina found herself debating.  She wanted - correction: _needed_ \- to leave a message.  Earlier that day, word had came in regarding the purpose behind the attacks.  Serafina had been with Katryn when Mikhail had arrived with the news.  Since that time, there had been a heavy weight of despair hovering over the house.  He’d been involved.  Somehow.  Some way.  As she’d left them alone to deal with the news in private, Serafina had overheard Katryn insisting fiercely to Mikhail that their son would never condone such actions.  Not knowingly.  In the end, she’d heard Mikhail agree with his wife, though there had been such a hint of defeat in his tone that Serafina was uncertain whether he truly believed his own words.  

Serafina knew nothing about him - her vow not to pry had never been broken during her stay.  That neither Katryn nor Mikhail had volunteered information was not a surprise either, but just as surely it was something that Serafina could respect.  And yet, something inside, deeper than her most fearsome nightmares that still would visit upon occasion, she suspected that Katryn was correct in her assessment of the situation.  It was that suspicion that had led Serafina to her current action.

Shifting her grasp on the pen, she pulled the blank page to her and began to write:

 

_We do not know one another, and yet in many ways we are the same._

_There are some things you should know, reassurances that might help should you ever receive this message._

_You should know that your absence is keenly felt, and more understood by those who care most than you might believe.  Your absence has been mourned, but do not doubt for a moment that your return will be anything but welcomed.  Uncertainty can be a troublesome thing for those who care, an obstacle for those who return, but ultimately it can be overcome._

_There are some for whom peace can be found through solitude.  For others, through the strength of family.  I truly hope you can find your peace and by doing so, help your parents find theirs.  They are good people, and by extension, you are the same.  Their faith, tested and tried over more years than yours, has held.  Should yours, know you will find what you need with them._

_Cherish your family, my friend.  The alternative is too difficult to bear at times and should not have to be borne._

_S.S._

 

Satisfied with her message, Serafina folded the paper and exited her room.  For the first and only time during her stay, she crossed the hall and entered the room his parents had all but barred the rest of the world from.  She surveyed the room quietly, searching for a place … and found it on the stand beside the bed.  An old book, a _real_ book, she saw.  A collection of novels by a twentieth century author.  Serafina smiled.  Glancing through the book, she found evidence of dog-eared corners, well thumbed pages, and in the back a message from a distant relative.  Yes, this was the place to leave it.  Slipping the folded page into the middle of the book, the edges just high enough that a reader would see, she closed the book and returned it to its place.  Closing the door behind her, she left the room behind.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Katryn stood at the door, a warm smile curving at her lips.  “You will always be welcome here, Serafina,” she said gently, opening her arms for a hug, “come whatever may in your future.”

Serafina returned the smile and accepted the hug, returning it whole heartedly.  “Thank you, Katryn.”  She turned to face Mikhail, standing behind her.  “And you, sir,” she added.  “For everything.”

Mikhail pulled her into a tight hug.  “You are a force to be reckoned with,” he said quietly, “and we certainly will not stand in the way of your destiny.  But as Katryn said, you will always be welcome here.”

Serafina nodded, struggling to keep emotions that wanted to break free from doing so.  It was not that she didn’t want to care or that she didn’t want to allow herself a luxury such as that again, it was more that she couldn’t.  In the long run, it would be better for all this way.  “I will do my best to stay in touch,” she told them, but it was as close to a promise as she was willing to make.  

The sound of footsteps on the front porch had them turning.  “Ready to go?” Anderson asked as he joined them.  “Your bag is loaded in the car.”

Straightening, Serafina nodded.  “I’m ready.”  With one last look and a small wave, she bade this part of her life goodbye and turned to face the future.  Alone.

 

* * *

 

_Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power._ _(Seneca)_

The quote was one that Kaidan recalled from his childhood, a teacher who preferred to begin each class with a famous quote or saying.  They’d spent many a session analyzing the meaning before moving on to the context of the lesson.  This had been one that he’d liked, but hadn’t really understood.  Until BAaT.  Until Vyrnnus.  Until the ‘accident.’

If he’d needed a reminder of it, a refresher of sorts, he’d certainly just had it.  Anger, when combined with power made for a deadly combination.  The boss hadn’t quite understood that concept … or, if he had, he’d not viewed Kaidan as a real threat.  Or maybe his arrogance kept him from seeing that?  Well, no more.  Now he, his second, and everyone else in that god forsaken room had paid for their underestimation of him.  

The blue haze that had overcome him finally clearing from his eyes, Kaidan now surveyed the damage surrounding him.  Six bodies total.  Superficially, all looked to be asleep, though Kaidan knew better.  The boss, lucky bastard even now, had deserved something more than the easy death he’d received.  In a situation similar to Vyrnnus, he now lay against the far wall, his neck bent at an odd angle that clearly indicated death had been instantaneous.  He’d been too close to Kaidan at the time to worry about style.  The blow had been quick and with as much power as Kaidan had been able to muster.  Anger had been a powerful motivator.

Malik, the boss’ second in command, had taken more of a beating.  Though he’d been further across the room, he’d found a way to get in close enough to aim a weapon at Kaidan nearly point blank and to get a shot off.  The shot had missed, stopped by the barrier field that Kaidan had instinctively lit up at the beginning of his attack.  Surprised by his failure, the man had not seen the throw that Kaidan had followed with.

Others had come at him afterwards.  A well placed stasis field had stopped three of them together.  The other had worked to get in close enough for hand to hand combat.  Had managed to deliver a few good licks, too, before Kaidan threw him back.  He’d landed near the stasis field.  When Kaidan had noticed signs of the stasis about to fall apart, he’d thrown a warp in that general direction if for no other reason than to slow them down.  Too late, he’d recalled the side effects of crossing a stasis field with a warp.  The resulting explosion had been devastating enough for people who were not dressed in armor.  

Blinking back the last of the fury that had come over him, Kaidan took one last look, imprinting the results on his memory.  There were lessons to be learned from this.  Lessons he wasn’t ready to deal with just yet, but that would come with time.  Right now he had other things that needed doing before he could take the time to consider his actions in full.

Exiting the room, Kaidan closed the door behind him.  If he was lucky - and so far, he had been in several ways - he’d bought himself some time.  The boss’ meetings were infamous for going on for a long time, followed by individual meetings to go over specifics of the plans.  They were also held on the far side of the warehouse, away from the remainder of the members of the organization.  The boss had been strict about that; only those specified for a mission were to be involved in the planning.  It didn’t pay to be too curious in this profession.  

Moving quickly, Kaidan now calmly made his way to his room.  Once inside, he grabbed his bag and shoved the few belongings he had inside.  Only once he was certain he had everything and anything that could possibly be connected to him did he leave, exiting without a word to anyone else and making his way outside through one of the back doors.

From the first step forward, he didn’t look back once.

He’d become good at running after leaving BAaT.  Relying on alias’ that hadn’t been used for some time, he was fairly certain his journey back home went unnoticed by anyone who might have gone looking for him.  With that in mind, he also didn’t bother to try contacting his parents until he was Earthside.  No sense in taking undue risks.  But with his arrival in Vancouver, Kaidan finally broke his silence and made a call.  When the voice at the other end answered, he felt his chest tighten in response … but in a good way.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Kaidan stood in the center of his room, turning slowly, the clock rolling backwards in his mind.  Truly, it didn’t look as if anything had changed since the day he’d left for BAaT when he was sixteen.  Well, he noted with a small chuckle of fondness as he ran a finger along the top of his dresser that came away clean, perhaps his mother had dusted daily.

He set his bag against the wall before crossing the room.  He was just reaching for the book on the night table when he heard a heavy step at the open doorway.  Glancing over his shoulder, he saw his father pause, eyes meeting his.  They’d not said much since his return, though the greeting between them had been welcoming and warm enough.  

“Your mom kept the room for you,” Mikhail observed.

Kaidan smiled.  “So I see.”

“She always believed you’d find your way home.”

Kaidan sighed, head falling just a bit as he recalled the reasons for his departure, for staying away, and for his return.  Perhaps one day he would talk about it with his dad, but today was not that day.  Instead, “Dad - I’m sorry.”  

A hand at his shoulder a moment later had him looking up again.  Without a word, Mikhail pulled his son close; Kaidan stepped into the embrace and for the first time in years, truly felt at home.

Later that evening, after a meal of his favorites (or, at least how his mother remembered them to be), Kaidan readied himself for bed.  Problem was, though, he wasn’t all that tired.  Despite the stress of recent events, and the that he physically felt exhausted, his brain just would not settle.  After tossing and turning for a while, he sat back up and reached over for the book that had been sitting there since the last time he’d used it for such purposes.  It had been a favorite of his great great great grandfather’s, and a frequent companion in his youth.  Turning on the light, he opened the book to the last marked page … and was surprised when a folded piece of paper fell onto his lap.  Curious, because he had no recollection of having left it inside of the book, he retrieved it, opened it up and read.

The handwriting was what struck him first.  Elegant for a time when most people relied solely on datapads and the like for communications.  Neat.  Precise.  Feminine.  He had a good guess who had left it.  The initials at the bottom certainly hinted at it.  The fact that she’d left a message for him, despite not knowing him, surprised him to a point … but ultimately, he found a sort of comfort in her words.  Kaidan didn’t know much about what had happened here before his return, but when he had confronted his father earlier that evening about it, while his mother was cleaning dishes and was otherwise occupied, Mikhail had confirmed that their guest had helped save them.  

“She left just a couple of days ago,” Mikhail told him.  “Enlisted on her birthday, the moment she was old enough.”  

Kaidan watched his father closely.  “Was she … is she alright after what happened?” he asked.  He knew how the responsibility of killing could weigh upon someone as young as her … or him.  Was he not a prime example of that?

Mikhail’s response had confused Kaidan at first.  “Son, she knew better how to deal with it than most marines I knew while I was in the service.  She was not inexperienced.”

Though his father had not gone into details, he’d been resolute in his opinion.  “Serafina was one to hold her past close to her,” he explained.  “The night this happened, she did mention to your mother some of her past, but your mother has not broken whatever trust she may have had with her to tell me.  Then again, I saw the results of what she did.”  His eyes darkened.  “Serafina will be fine.”

As Kaidan settled back now, his eyes upon the scrap before him while he reread the message, he had his doubts.  However, there wasn’t much he could do about it at this point in time.  Perhaps one day they would meet.  She might come to visit the orchard.  The way his mother talked about her, there was a definite fondness for her and an open invitation to visit.  If that day ever came, he supposed he could judge then and, should she need it, offer her the same peace of mind that her words offered him now.  

  



	6. Everybody's Sin

Routine became her best friend.  From the moment she arrived at basic, Serafina fell into the rhythm of the military.  The first few weeks focused on fitness.  Physical training.  Martial arts skills.  Honing abilities and expanding upon experience.  The necessities of survival as a soldier.  The core values of being a good marine.  It was also became a time for sorting, as both naval and marine recruits started basic together, by the end of the first month those more suited to ground pounding were directed along that path, the others towards naval service.  

Next came the weapons training.  Though certain of the path she wished to take, now came the time to experiment with the possibilities.  To test, to train, to be certain.  Competency was quickly identified and noted.  She was trained on the use of various weapons, encouraged to try them all, but she found the rifle to be her first choice, the pistol a reluctant but necessary second.  Once this was resolved, she had only to prove herself to move on.

The only black note on her record, and even then it was only regarded as ‘grey,’ came when she and the other recruits were sent off to work on combat driving skills.  Back on Mindoir, Serafina had just been learning to operate a vehicle at the time of the batarian slaver attack.  She’d been out in the vehicle only three times (battling her twin for time behind the wheel had been an altogether different sort of war of a more private nature), and afterwards the focus and desire to learn just had not been there.  Her skills, therefore, were minimal at best, though the various vehicles they were being trained on were somewhat forgiving.  But despite that, once the sergeant pulled her aside and discovered the truth of the matter, he ordered her to take up additional lessons.  She readily agreed without protest.  

After graduation, she was sent off to learn the fine points of how to be a good officer.  A leader.  More weeks spent learning and understanding about leadership.  About command.  Battlefield strategies and tactics.  She developed an appreciation for the lessons of the past and theories of warfare.  Already an avid reader, her list continued to grow.  

But it was when she was sent off to sniper school that things took an interesting turn.  

“Hey, Shepard.  That’s two you owe me now.”

Serafina ignored the fuss going on around her.  Instead, she kept her eyes on the board, took aim and released her grip ….

“Bull’s eye!” one of the others chirruped gleefully.  

Swallowing back a smug smirk, though it was well deserved, Serafina glanced over at her opponent.  “You were saying, Coats?”

He sniffed.  “Right … one then.  Unless you want to try again?  All or nothing?  Same stakes as before?”

Serafina rolled her eyes before walking over to remove the darts from the board.  “Your loss,” she pointed out.  “I’m just getting warmed up.”

“Hey, Coats, … didn’t she take you for like three rounds the other night?”

“Belt up, Granger,” Coats grumbled.

Serafina returned and placed three darts in his hand.  “I did,” she confirmed.  Of course, she’d promptly used those three rounds to buy drinks for the friends who’d been cheering her on.  “So … is that a yes to another go?”  The challenge in her tone was subtle.  “Or have you had enough?”

Turning, Coats faced her.  Nose to nose.  “This isn’t the weapons range,” he reminded her.

Without blinking, she returned evenly, “No holds barred.”

“You’re on.”

It began as a best out of three competition, but rapidly descended to a ‘winner by x number of points’ with ‘x’ continuously changing downwards until the end of the evening rolled around.  Between them, they even agreed to switch to opposite hands to make it more challenging, but still the battle raged on.  The bartender was calling time when Coats took it to another level altogether.  

Serafina, on the other hand, had been expecting something like this.  He’d made it clear from almost the moment they’d met he was interested in her, though he hadn’t been pushy about it.  For her part, Serafina found him to be interesting, just … not what she was interested in.  She preferred him as a friend, nothing more.  He’d promised to change her mind.  She’d wished him luck in the attempt.

Now preparing her last toss for the evening, Serafina raised her arm and took aim.  Hers would be the last and deciding throw.  If she did well, she could win the entire thing (the degree of separation between points was ridiculously low now).  If not, they would need to be finding a way to resolve this some other way.

Eyes forward and focused on the board, she caught a small movement in her peripheral vision, though she did her best to ignore it.  And then he leaned in and murmured right next to her ear as she drew back, “Maybe we ought to move this little competition some place where we can have a tiebreaker ….”  It took a great deal of willpower on her part of things to keep her focus on the board in the distance as she released.

Only once the missile was out of her hand did she turn to face him.  The  whooping cheer that roared up around them, several others had since joined the gathering crowd to watch, told her the outcome.  Pressing an index finger against his lips which were entirely too close for comfort just then, she leaned in and did her best to purr, “You were saying?”  When she pulled back there was a smirk on her lips.  She had known approximately where her dart would land.  The cheering simply verified that her aim had been true.  Lowering her finger and pulling up her thumb so she could tweak his chin, she concluded quietly, “I think that makes me the winner this evening.”  She chuckled softly as his head turned just enough, his forehead resting against hers for a moment, before he groaned in dismay.

Pulling away, Coats made to pay for the three rounds he owed her and Serafina turned towards those who had gathered and gave them an overly exaggerated bow.  “Thank you, thank you,” she laughed while twirling her arms in a bit of a flourish.

But where the night might have ended, Coats was quick to find her before she left.  “Hang on, Shepard.  I’ll walk back with you.”

Within moments, they were walking out the door together.  Serafina suspected he was wanting to talk.  He didn’t disappoint.  “So … about before ….”

Serafina sighed.  “Look, Coats, I’m flattered that you think -”

He stopped walking and reached out to grasp her arm, gently and without force or intent, but clearly with purpose.  She stopped and turned to face him.  Lifting her eyes to look into his, she told him, “I can’t, Coats.  I just … I can’t.”  She hated the disappointment she saw in his eyes then, but there wasn’t anything that could be done about it.

“All right,” he replied after a moment.  “I can accept that … respect it even.  Can you tell me why, though?”

Serafina felt a chill wash through her leaving her cold to the bone.  Swallowing tightly, her eyes closed before dropping so he couldn’t see.  “No,” she rasped after a moment.  “I … just … no.”

He moved to wrap an arm around her when he saw her shaking.  “Shepard … hey, it’s okay,” he reassured her.  “You don’t have to … not if you don’t -”

“I can’t.”  She opened her eyes again, lifting them to meet his.  “It isn’t that I don’t want to … well, maybe I don’t, but I just ….”  She shuddered again and felt his arm tighten.  “I can’t.”

Coats started leading her back towards the barracks.  “Okay, you can’t,” he echoed.  “That’s fine.  We’ll leave it at that.”  

But it wasn’t.  Serafina knew this.  It was something she was going to have to face, one of these days.  So far, ever since that night on Mindoir, it hadn’t been so important.  But now … now the truth of her denial was beginning to show.  Now it was starting to affect her in unexpected ways.  Would it become an issue for her once she had her own command?

“You once asked me why I was such a good shot,” she began slowly, unconsciously, fearfully even.  Swallowing past nerves, she held his gaze as she gave him at least this much.  “Three days … when I was sixteen … I shot anyone or anything that came near me.”  Her voice was cracking now.  She couldn’t tell him all of it.  Of how she couldn’t let anyone that near ever again.  That to do so would be to place her in a position to lose them again like she had her family; a situation that would, should it ever happen again, be impossible to live beyond.  One that she knew better than to place herself in to begin with.  It was difficult enough keeping her ‘friends’ at arms length for the same reasons.

Coats frowned.  “Three days?” he echoed.

Serafina nodded.  “Mindoir.”  She watched his eyes widen in understanding.  “I was up a tree.  Mostly batarians.  There was some animal … I forget now what it was.”  Her laugh was nearly a strangled sob.  “That was the morning of the third day.  I was so hungry … but then another batarian came close … I ….”

When his arms dropped from her shoulders, Serafina winced.   _Everybody sins_ , she recalled the preacher on Mindoir sermonizing one Sunday.  At that time of her life, she hadn’t been able to really grasp that concept.  Now ….

“I’m so sorry.”

Her head snapped up, eyes widening a bit in surprise.  “What?”

“Mindoir,” he told her quietly.  “I remember hearing about it when I was in school.  At home with the folks.  I didn’t know anyone had survived.”

Serafina sighed.  Shaking her head, she murmured, “No one did.  Not outside Alliance circles, that is.  They kept it quiet.  To keep me safe from the batarians, I guess.  I don’t really know.”  Her shoulders moved slightly.  “All I know is I learned how to kill those nights alone.  My father had taught me to use a gun when I was younger, but those three nights taught me how to use that skill to survive.”  She’d killed quickly, quietly, indiscriminately.  She’d almost killed her rescuers, though Anderson had once told her there was no grudge held in that regard.

She stood there with him for a long moment before Coats shifted, his arm sliding around her shoulders again, tugging her up against his side.  “Well,” he drawled out, attempting a some sort of brevity to lighten the movement, “I can still try to convince you … can’t I?”

And in that moment, Serafina learned something.  Leaning up on her toes, she pressed a light kiss to his cheek, whispering, “Thank you,” … and saw him blush in return.  Wrapping her arm around his waist, she leaned into his side as they began walking again.  Despite sins of the past, true friendship could provide some solace and peace.  

A few weeks later, successfully graduated tied at the top of her class and enroute to her first assignment, Serafina sent a brief message to Mikhail and Katryn.   _Bull’s eye._

 

* * *

 

Routine at the orchard was something he’d become familiar with from his youth.  It was, as the old saying went, like riding a bicycle: something one never forgot.  Rising with the sun, working long days outside, side-by-side with nature, tending things and making them grow ….  The day he stepped back onto land that had belonged to his family for generations, it felt, and literally was, like coming home.  

And yet, despite the heritage and history, the knowing and experience, Kaidan wasn’t sure it was a life that was meant for him.  

What it did, however, was buy him time.  Time to think.  Time to consider.  Time to evaluate.  He needed the time to look in depth at what had happened - both at BAaT and on Elysium.  And the more he thought on it, the more he felt the weight of responsibility pushing down on his shoulders.  Not so much for the actions he’d taken (which he accepted completely), but the responsibility for the power that he quite literally and figuratively held at his fingertips.

_Power to take a life._

_Power to protect those who wanted or needed protecting._

_Power to do good or bad, based on the decisions he made leading up to the choice to employ such power._

Each morning when he rose for the day, Kaidan would enter the kitchen to find his mother cooking breakfast for him and his dad.  “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,” had always been her motto, and it was nice to see that some things hadn’t changed during his absence.  

But it also provided him with a daily reminder of the delicate balance that constantly wavered between responsibility and power.  Running after BAaT had been irresponsible.  Allowing himself to be pulled into a situation where he could be manipulated in such a way had been irresponsible.  Placing those he loved and cared about most into a position where they became targets in order to force his hand had been irresponsible.  

From now on, each and every time he looked at his mother or father, Kaidan knew he would have to deal with the oppressive weight of guilt for having allowed it to happen.  Where he’d thought he’d accepted the consequences for his actions at BAaT, he began to realize he hadn’t.  The blame for the actions themselves wasn’t even the issue, not really.  That he’d owned up to at the time.  Admitted.  Accepted.  Dealt with.  No, where he’d erred had been in thinking that it was his biotics that were to blame.  Because of that, he’d taken to hiding of them.  Refusing to use them even in situations that they might have helped.  He’d learned to keep them under control and out of the way so that the temptation to misuse them would never exist.

Arrogance, he’d found, was a sin.  And he’d been arrogant, thinking he’d kept the biotics under tight control.  Believing he’d be able to make his way without them ever again.  Deluding himself into thinking he could survive without them.  All it had taken was a threat against those he loved ….  Kaidan had paid the price for his arrogance.  Or, rather, his family almost had.  It certainly hadn’t been for lack of trying on the attackers’ parts from the sounds of it either.  His father had implied that if it hadn’t been for Serafina, they would not have survived.  But as Kaidan viewed it, if it hadn’t been for him running in the first place, his parents would never have had need to take Serafina in …

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Solace came in doing a job well, he found.  Of having a place to be.  Of fitting in, sort of.  He had that again, possibly even more so now than when they’d first discovered his biotics when he was a kid.  Back then, his father had become distant, unable to relate to something he didn’t understand. Perhaps carrying his own guilt for it happening in the first place.  After all, they’d been in Singapore at the time because of Mihail’s service in the Alliance.  It struck Kaidan now that he could, possibly, understand how such an event might have affected his father.

“Son?”

Kaidan jumped, startled.  Turning, his cheeks slightly pink at having been caught unaware, he managed an apologetic smile even as his father did the same.  “Sorry,” Mikhail said first.   

Kaidan nodded.  “I’m almost done in here,” he explained, gesturing around the room.  He’d taken to reorganizing the greenhouse.  The last bit of cleanup since the night of the attack, as his father had explained earlier.  It was his penance, Kaidan thought.  One of his own choosing, more or less.  “Did you need something?”

Kaidan watched his father’s eyes as he looked around.  There was a hint of sadness there, but also something more.  Something he couldn’t quite label just yet.  “I was hoping you might be able to help me out with a project.”

Kaidan followed his father outside to find the truck parked nearby.  When his father walked to the back end, he moved up beside him, glancing over the side to find ….  “Seedlings.”  There weren’t many, he noted.  Certainly no more than a half dozen.  And they were young.  But they looked strong and healthy at first glance, still in their pots and awaiting transplantation.  

“I need to get them in the ground,” Mikhail explained.  “Thought maybe you could help me?”

“Sure, Dad,” Kaidan replied before moving around to get inside the truck.  Mikhail got in on the other side and began driving.  “Replacements?” Kaidan asked after a while.

“An experiment,” Mikhail returned simply.  

They spent the rest of the afternoon in quiet but companionable silence while they worked.  By the time evening began to roll over, they were finishing with the last tree.  It was as they were loading up their gear into the truck that Kaidan asked, “What kind of experiment?”

Mikhail chuckled.  “Wondered if the curiosity would get to you.”

Kaidan rubbed a hand at the back of his neck as he blushed, but in the end he smiled at his father.  “Would you buy ‘professional interest?’” he countered.

Shaking his head, Mikhail reached into the truck and pulled out a bottle of water that he passed over to Kaidan before reaching for one for himself.  “If I thought you might stay and make this your life,” he observed, “maybe.  But I think we both know that isn’t going to happen.”

Startled, Kaidan turned to search his father’s gaze.  “How do you … I’m not even sure myself,” he managed after a moment.

“Aren’t you?” Mikhail asked.  Crossing his arms, he leaned back against the vehicle, nodding over at his son.  “Tell me, what’s the first thing you do every morning?”

“Dad,” Kaidan protested, “I -”

“Just answer the question, Kaidan.  Once you’re up, what’s the first thing you do?”

“I’m assuming you’re not referring to me brushing my teeth.”

Mikhail chuckled.  “Not quite, no.”

Sighing, Kaidan turned to stare off into the distance, the scenic view a focus for his thoughts.  

“And there you prove my point.”

His father’s words interrupting his thoughts, Kaidan blinked and glanced over at him.  “What do you mean?” he countered.

“Every morning, when you come down for breakfast.  You sit there, sometimes your mother has to call your name a couple of times to get your attention when she’s passing the bacon over, but you get that same exact look on your face.  Grim determination.  One that shouts, ‘I’m in control.’”

Kaidan opened his mouth to respond, but found that he had no words to escape.  Was that what his father really thought?  

“One that says, ‘I’ve learned from my mistakes,’” Mikhail added quietly.

Kaidan’s eyes closed.  “Dad ….”

“Have you?” Mikhail asked, cutting Kaidan’s protests off before they began.

Kaidan hesitated.  

“It’s not arrogance to admit you’ve learned from them,” Mikhail reminded him.  

Sighing, Kaidan nodded.  “I think so,” he admitted.  

Several more minutes of silence passed.  When the sun dipped beyond the edge of the mountains, silent agreement had them ducking back into the truck and turning towards the house.  

“You have a gift, you know.”

Kaidan frowned.  “More like a curse,” he observed flatly.  

“No, son,” Mikhail corrected, “a gift.  How you decide to use that gift is completely up to you, of course.  But, knowing you, I have no doubt you can find a way to turn it around and view it differently.”

This time the silence lasted until the truck came to a halt beside the house.  “Why did you do it?”

The question came completely out of the blue, but Kaidan understood.  “Kill Vyrnnus you mean?”

Mikhail shook his head.  “Defend her.  Why?  Look deep, son, and you’ll find the answer.  And when you do, you’ll find your purpose.”  Turning to exit the vehicle, Mikhail paused and added, “Besides, if you truly thought it a curse, do you think you could have come home to us?”

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

It took him the rest of the summer and a lot of soul searching, but by the time the harvest was beginning, Kaidan thought he’d come up with the answers he was seeking.  Mikhail did not seem surprised in the least when he told him.

“I’m going to enlist, Dad.”

Mikhail looked up from his desk, eyes tilting over the edge of his reading glasses as he met his son’s gaze.  “You’re certain of this?”

Kaidan nodded and stepped into the room.  “I think … I know I can do some good.”  

Rising, Mikhail set his glasses aside and walked around the side of the desk.  Reaching out, he extended his hand towards his son.  Kaidan took it instantly.  “I have no doubts that you can, Kaidan.  No doubts at all.”  

 


	7. You Got to Lose

 

_It begins with a ground-shaking rumble that sounds more like the thunder before a Mindoirian summer storm.  She stands beside Commander Gage, her squad at her back.  Just returned from a security sweep, she has told him it’s safe to make camp.  Instinct has them staring upwards looking for the first hints of rain, but there’s not a cloud in the sky …._

_Sudden, tortured screams.  Gunfire exploding around them.  The sounds of battle intensify even as they search for the true enemy … and then they get their first, full view of the monstrosity as it breaks free from the earth below.  They came to Akuze to offer assistance, to rescue a lost pioneer team.  No one even thinks that by the end of the day they will the ones needing rescuing themselves._

_One by one, they are taken down.  There’s no time for horror or fear; she pulls out her sniper rifle to defend.   She breaks her squad into pieces:  two to the left, two to the right.  She will hold the center with Commander Gage …._

_She falls to the ground moments later, though it takes a second longer to realize that it’s because the Commander has shoved her to the side.  She looks back in confusion, not understanding what it is that he wants her to do.  Her eyes lift to his face and there she finds him shouting something ... feels the horror take over as he begins to dissolve directly in front of her, the acid eating through armor and flesh as if it were nothing._

_Stumbling on her own now, she scrambles away, but the memory will not fade.  More screams.  Shouts of defiance that, while a boost to morale for the attempt, do nothing but fade with the others.  Explosions as the maw’s attack hits one of the ground vehicles in just the right place.  There is nowhere safe to run.  Too late, she realizes there is no one left to flee but her.  She calls out, shouting their names above the din, but there are no replies.  She makes it over to one of the vehicles, practically falling inside without care, not noticing the sharp pain or the warm moistness that begins rolling down her cheek as a metal edge catches the flesh her beneath her eye, tearing a ragged edge._

_Fingers trained over the past few years press the buttons on her omni-tool, opening the channel to anyone who will listen, everyone on that line.  She signals a mayday, calling out names, locations, and sending the navpoint to the ship.  She is instructed to hold on at all costs.  But how?_

_She climbs into the turret in the back of the vehicle, hissing as the maw’s acid leaks through an already corrosion-pocked roof and hits her armor, eating through before she notices this delayed attack._

_The pain helps her focus.  Life is the evolution of pain in different stages, she knows this much already.  Death - life - it’s all part of the process.  She has lived and breathed this since she was sixteen.  It is as familiar to her as an old friend._

_Maneuvering the gun into position, she adjusts the angle, takes aim once it’s set.  Before she takes the shot, though, she sees a familiar face wavering before her eyes …._

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Serafina bolted upright with a loud, rasping gasp, her twin’s name bit back only at the last second.  She ignored throbbing waves of throbbing pain beneath bandage-wrapped flesh, persistent and deep felt aches that reminded her of what was lost.  She was unfamiliar with her surroundings, but she could at least recognize that she was no longer on Akuze.  Sagging back, she sank into the pillow, eyes closing again until the haunting memories chase them open once more.  

 _Akuze_.  

Rolling over onto her side, Serafina allowed her gaze to drift over to the window and try to get lost in the darkness of space beyond.  

“That was a pretty near thing, Lieutenant,” a familiar voice commented, pulling her from her reverie.

Startled, Serafina sought out the source.  “Sir,” she rasped, her throat still raw from yelling over the noise and chaos groundside.  It was a wonder her message had gotten out at all, even after repeating herself so many times.  Her ears still rang from the roars of the thresher maw.

“Relax, Shepard,” Anderson ordered as he moved over to her bedside.  “You’ve earned a bit of a rest.”

Serafina shook her head.  “No, sir.  Not when I got my whole unit -”

“This wasn’t your fault, Shepard,” he insisted.  “If you have to blame it on something, blame it on bad intel.”

“But, sir, I was responsible for security that night -”

He lifted a hand and her protests fell silent.  He could tell her all he wanted how it wasn’t her fault, but Serafina knew better.  This would be something to haunt her the rest of her days.  If necessary, she would have to make sure it was when she was alone.

“Here,” Anderson continued after a moment, pressing a datapad into her hands.  “This might interest you.”

Frowning, Serafina took it in hand and began to read.  Comprehension came slowly; not because of injuries or for any medical reasons, but rather because disbelief hit her hard.  “What is this?” she breathed.

Anderson chuckled.  “What does it look like?”

“Sir,” she began to protest wondering if he had somehow read her mind before and was now trying to distract her from those thoughts, “this can’t be right.  I’m not even remotely qualified to be considered for -”

The moment his hand covered hers, clasping it tightly, she looked up.  His demeanor had changed completely.  So much so that it had the unexpected side effect of keeping her silent.  “I’ve had my eye on you since I first met you, Shepard,” he told her somberly.  “Despite what happened on Mindoir, despite the conditions and your surroundings, despite your lack of training, you managed what many a marine could not.  Where you lacked in skills, you more than made up for in instinct.  The day you chose to enlist in the Alliance, I knew you would end up here.  Sooner, rather than later.  You have earned the right to try.  The rest will be up to you.”

Swallowing past a tightness in her throat, Serafina reread the letter.  ICT.  N School.  A chance to be something more than just a soldier.  Twice, her life had fallen down around her, attempting to take her into the ashes with it.  Twice now, she’d found her way out, surviving to live and fight another day.  A sign that this was meant to be, perhaps?  Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a long moment and debated silently inside her head.  When she opened them again less than a minute later, Anderson nodded at the look he found there.  “Good,” he told her.  “You’re going to need that attitude to get through training.”

She nodded once before replying simply, “Yes, sir.”  

 

* * *

 

Kaidan was a bit surprised at how easily he could find solace in the routine of boot camp.  Then again, he was several years older than most of the other recruits, so perhaps it had to do with that?  The training was easy enough if you paid attention, and that he did.  Early on, he was identified for his technical abilities and targeted for that specialization in training.  And where he thought his biotic abilities might become more of an issue rather than an aid, he found … acceptance.  Of a sort, at any rate.  

He was halfway through basic before he was approached regarding his biotics.  As it turned out, there were three others in his class of recruits who had similar abilities.  Though they continued training with the main body of recruits, they were pulled aside into a separate biotics training program, one geared towards use of biotics in warfare.  Kaidan knew none of the other three.  At first, he’d thought that might be for the best.  No one would know or remember what he’d done at BAaT, of the mistakes he’d made.  No possible way to connect him with anything but his current behavioral trends.  The past could stay safely buried.

Then again, Kaidan soon discovered he had very little in common with the other recruits, both those who were biotic and those who were not.  On the other hand, not knowing any of the others and them not knowing him made it easier for him to hide just how strong of a biotic he actually was.  They all knew he was an L2 of course.  That was difficult to hide, especially once the migraines began.  But one of the first things Kaidan notice this time was that the people in charge _had_ learned from the experiences at BAaT.  While they pushed hard, they were not as demanding or harsh as Commander Vyrnnus had been.  Kaidan had no trouble at all keeping the promise he’d made to himself to keep his biotics under control.  He learned to use just enough force behind them to make them an asset as a soldier, but beyond that he kept a lid on them.

After boot camp, Kaidan was directed to officer’s school.  There, he continued on with both his biotics and technical training in addition to the courses to teach him how to be a good officer.  Kaidan was given the opportunity to become familiar with a variety of security protocols and, in the end, shared some of the ones he’d come across and worked with while on Elysium.  Thankfully, his superiors did not ask any questions regarding his knowledge of them.

After graduation, Kaidan received his first orders.  Thus began his military career.  His first assignment was groundside, but after that the Alliance started assigning him to active duty aboard ships.  Traveling wherever they were needed, the nature of the missions varied.  Humanitarian missions became frequent; they rescued a broken down ship of colonists bound for the Traverse and aided them to their final destination.  When a huge storm hit a large area on Terra Nova and caused considerable damage, they were sent in to assist with the cleanup and restoration of normalcy.  There were pirate raids on colonies.  The escorting of political dignitaries.  The enforcement of Alliance law in newer colonial settlements, or assistance of.  Throughout it all, Kaidan focused his efforts on keeping his biotics under control and being the best soldier he could be.

But it came at a cost.  

Once or twice over these early years, situations had arisen where afterwards, Kaidan found himself looking back at the decisions he’d made.  Not so much in what he’d done as what he’d _not_ done.  There had been a time or two, for example when they’d assisted one of the colonies against an attack by some pirates, when Kaidan hadn’t wondered if full use of his biotic potential might not have been called for.  The situation had been tight, good men were lost in the battles, but in the long run, Kaidan had always held back.  It was after times like this that he found himself doubting his self-imposed restrictions.  

During one extended shore leave, Kaidan traveled back home to visit with his parents, hoping that he might find some of the answers he sought in a familiar place.  While out in the orchard working with his father one afternoon, he found himself asking Mikhail about it.  “Dad, when you served in the Alliance … was there ever a time when you knew there was more you could have done in a situation but you … held back?  Didn’t do all you could?”

Mikhail glanced over at his son.  “Kept something in reserve?” he asked.

Kaidan shook his head.  “No … not so much that,” he sought to explain.  “More … I don’t know.  More like the situation was bad enough you were losing people, but ….”

“Ah.”  Mikhail turned to face his son.  He had a good guess as to what this was about.  “Let me ask you this instead, Kaidan.  If you hadn’t ‘held back,’ if you’d given everything that you could in that moment, would it have made any difference in the outcome of your mission?”

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply immediately but caught himself before he did.  Instinct, or maybe desperation, had him wanting to reply, _Yes._  Saving lives would have been a good thing, right?  But Kaidan was intelligent enough to realize that his father was expecting him to evaluate the _entire_ situation before he replied.    

As he did so, Mikhail continued, “You and I both know that there will be times when we lose those around us.  Civilians, squadmates, friends.  A mission gone bad.  Faulty intel.  Just plain bad luck.  It’s easy to fall into the habit of saying, ‘I should have done this.  It would have saved their lives.’  But the real question you need to be asking yourself is, would it have changed the overall outcome?  Did you achieve your objective despite your inaction?  Sure, saving their lives would be a good thing, but at what cost?  Would it be worth it to save a life over here only to lose a group of colonists over there?”

Nodding, Kaidan glanced over at him.  “We did achieve our objective,” he admitted.  “It took longer, we lost several people - _our_ people - in the process, but we achieved our goal.”

Mikhail nodded.  “And would you still have achieved your objective had you used your biotics to the fullest extent possible?”  

It didn’t surprise Kaidan in the least that a hypothetical question had turned into his father knowing exactly what he was about.  How many times had his father done this over the years?  “I … I don’t know.  People might have lived, certainly.  Beyond that …?”

“And others might have died?  Your goal might not have been reached?” Mikhail asked.

Kaidan sighed and turned away.  “I see your point,” he murmured after a moment.

Mikhail moved over to stand beside him, hand rising to rest on Kaidan’s shoulder.  “A soldier will always have moments of doubt, son,” he told him.  “Especially good officers who end up losing people under their command.  It’s never easy.  As for your biotics …”  Mikhail sighed.  The biotics were something he’d never fully understood.  “Well, only you can be the final judge on that.  But just remember, when you have these moments.  Ask yourself - would it have made a difference to being successful in your overall mission?”

Kaidan nodded again, but his eyes were staring off in the distance, his thoughts evaluating everything that had happened.  It was something he would have to give serious consideration to.  

After a moment longer, Mikhail clapped his son’s shoulder again.  “Now come on.  Your mother has some big welcome home meal planned for you tonight.  She’ll kill me if we’re late.”  

Chuckling, Kaidan turned towards the truck.  There were times like now when he thought his mother might have made a good marine the way she managed to keep him and his dad in line.  “We’d best not keep her waiting then,” he replied.  

 


	8. Know How to Win

 

N School, _Interplanetary Combatives Training_ , ‘the villa.’  Whatever it was called, it was hell.  A little over a year’s worth, to be precise.  It tested Serafina for every skill and technique that she had, and some she hadn’t known she had.  But when she made it - step by step, level by level, until finally earning her way to the top and proving to herself, her commanders and the rest of the galaxy she could do it - she thought she’d passed the most difficult test that she might ever have to face.

She was wrong.

Every year, the Systems Alliance held what they called their Foundation Day Ball, a celebratory event commemorating the unification of the nations and creation of the Alliance.  Multiple events were planned from one end of Alliance territory to the other, but Serafina had always managed to find herself on duty, off on a mission or otherwise engaged so that she would never have to attend.  For eight years now, she’d missed events … but this year?  No such luck.  Anderson had specifically requested her presence.  There was no way she could avoid it.  Some sort of acknowledgement of her survival on Akuze and subsequent success at ICT, or so he told her.  Whatever the reason - and really, that wasn’t her main concern or focus; she could make it through that easily enough - she found herself facing a crisis.  

The ball was being held on Arcturus Station.  As locations for such events went, it was an ideal location.  The center of Systems Alliance politics and military, where else would be better?  It also helped that Serafina shared an apartment there with several friends from basic training, so she had lodgings and access to her things.  That wasn’t a big deal either.  Her formal dress blues had even been updated with her latest promotion, so that was set.  Miracle of miracles, she even had an easy time lining up a date for the evening.  Again, no big deal.  She could handle the hobknobbing with the upper brass and political representatives.  She had learned manners in her youth, after all.  

No, what terrified the Staff Lieutenant above anything else as she made her way to the ball with her escort was the thought of having to dance.  

But not for the reasons, one might expect.  

Serafina had grown up in a family that enjoyed relaxing together, playing music, singing together, dancing.  Music in all shapes, sizes and forms had been familiar in the Shepard home.  She and her twin often would entertain their parents and grandparents with ‘dances’ they’d made up to songs created by the others before pulling out a variety of instruments to play for the rest of the evening.  

No, the dancing normally wouldn’t have been an issue.  

Save one thing: the night of the batarian slaver attack, when the entire colony had pulled together to celebrate the harvest, the end to another successful year’s battle against nature, she’d been dancing in the square with other members of her family, friends, neighbors.  Dancing with the boy she’d had her eye on for the past few months since school had started.  The boy that Kaysey had finally convinced Serafina liked her in return.  They’d been dancing together, awkwardly at first but soon moving with assured steps.  And then the attack hit.  It had been that boy, the one who Serafina could no longer remember his name because it was too painful, who had shoved her to the far side of the square, into the brush on the outer edge so that she could scramble away.  He’d been the one to ensure her escape.

And every single time Serafina thought about dancing since, his face popped up right in front of her.  She began to shake, her breath to become erratic, her stomach would roll to and fro, and her head begin to spin.  

“Coats,” she’d hissed as they entered the ballroom together.

Coats chuckled and reached a hand up to pat hers.  “Relax, Shepard,” he murmured.  “I’ve got your back, remember?”

That had been at the beginning of the evening.  Well before the drinking had begun.  Before the accolades lauded to her and many others for their achievements over the past year that displayed the Alliance to the best advantages possible.   Before the floor had cleared out … and the dancing had begun.  

As she’d suspected might happen, despite her most valiant attempts, she was eventually cornered and could no longer put off the inevitable.  

“Staff Lieutenant.”

Serafina was standing beside Coats, Granger and one other from their sniper school days who had managed to get invited to the ball this year when Staff Commander Anderson approached.  Immediately, she felt her stomach sink, even as Coats gave her a reassuring smile.  “Sir?”

Extending his hand, Anderson reached for hers.  Serafina could swear she saw a glint of humor in his eyes.  Of all the people in attendance, he might be the only one to put two and two together ….  “May I have this dance?”  

The look he gave Coats then brooked no argument and Serafina knew she’d just lost.  “Of course, sir,” she managed, hoping her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she felt just then.  Coats knew only a little about the importance of her wish to not dance.  But even that wasn’t enough to get him past the request of a superior officer.

Taking Anderson’s arm, Serafina followed him out onto the dance floor.  In the few moments between numbers, as the others around them began to prepare, Serafina stared up at her mentor.  “You did that on purpose,” she managed softly.

Anderson chuckled.  “Perhaps a little,” he confessed.  “On the other hand, who else would understand your hesitations better?”

Serafina shuddered.  She’d been in the tattered remnants of the dress from the festival when he’d found her.  Shoes long lost by the time she’d fled home, she hadn’t had time to change before reaching for her father’s rifle and ammunition.  She’d spent three long, cold nights up a tree with only the tatters of a dress to clothe her.  A dress that had been meant for a party ….

Shuddering again, Serafina resisted as Anderson’s hand moved to settle at her waist.  “Sir,” she rasped, her eyes glazing over with memories, “I … I can’t.”

“Shepard, you have to move on sometime,” Anderson advised gently.  

“No …,” her voice half squeaked and half croaked as she forcibly pulled herself from him, turned away and fled.  One hand lifting her skirt high so she wouldn’t trip, she ran like the very demons were pursuing her … and perhaps they were ….

 

 

* * *

 

 

Since his discussion with his father, Kaidan had been able to find a way to put things into proper perspective.  Focus finally in place, he’d been building a reputation among his superiors as a steadfast and reliable officer; one whom now sported numerous commendations on his record (some he felt were hardly necessary but they had been approved nonetheless).  And yet, Kaidan was quick to note that those were not the reasons he was in attendance this evening.  No, quite to his surprise when his ship had docked at Arcturus for a scheduled maintenance check, a pair of invitations had been waiting for him and a companion of his choice for the evening.  Staff Commander Anderson’s doing, he suspected.

Staff Commander Anderson.  

Still a bit uncertain as to exactly why or how he would end up at such a prestigious event, especially for a young officer such as himself, Kaidan couldn’t say that he really minded.  His companion for the evening was a trusted friend, after all, and the others at their table proved to be good company for the night.  But still, Kaidan felt … perplexed?  Someone like him finding himself surrounded by the elite of the Systems Alliance?  How far he’d come since the days of BAaT….

He watched the events of the evening with passing interest as people came and went.  He recognized the Staff Commander as he got up to speak about one of his latest proteges.  Anderson was an old friend of his father’s, one whom Kaidan had come to respect over the years.  One whom, the last time they’d spoken nearly a year before, apparently had his eye on getting Kaidan under his command one day.  But that was a topic of discussion best left for the future.

So far this evening, Kaidan had found it interesting enough.  Though not a huge fan of pomp and circumstance, he had to admit that he’d been enjoying it for the most part.  Well, at least up until just before the dancing had begun.  At that point, a migraine, his old and very familiar nemesis, had started to make an appearance.  After excusing himself from his companion for the evening and the rest of those at their table, he’d sought refuge out along the balconies overlooking the centre of the political wing of the station in the hopes that being away from the center of the noise and crowds the headache might dissipate somewhat.  

He was standing off to the far side, staring down below at some majestic (and surely overly priced which now resulted in higher taxing) fountain/statue display sort of thing when he heard a sharp sound to his far left.  Glancing over, he noticed a young woman stumbling out of the doorway, collapsing to her knees just before reaching the railing.  Concerned for her safety (could she still go sailing over the edge?), Kaidan hurried over, kneeling beside her.  His hand at her shoulder, he asked, “Are you alright?”  He felt tremors violently coursing through her.  Reaching out, he began to turn her to face him wondering at what he might find so far as damage went.  He’d barely gotten a peek at her face when he realized he recognized her.  Anderson’s protege.  “Ma’am?  Are you alright?” he asked again, recollecting that her rank was at least one grade above his.

She shuddered again.  “Y-yes,” she managed after a moment.  

But contrary to her words, she collapsed forward, falling towards him.  Kaidan moved quickly, his arms moving around her to keep her from injury.  Surveying her features quickly, he could see how nearly deathly pale she was, almost as if shock was setting in.  Schooled in basic first aid like all recruits, Kaidan had taken an interest in picking up some additional training in field medicine over the past year.  It was now proving to be of some use.  “Staff Lieutenant Shepard, wasn’t it?” he asked, his hand moving to check to be certain the moisture along her brow was not caused by fever of some sort.

Eyes closed, she nodded.  “Shepard is fine,” she whispered.  

“Are you injured, Shepard?” he asked, his hand now running down her arms and sides, continuing on down her legs as well as he could given that she was in a skirt.  “Did you hurt yourself?”

Her head shook, barely, he noted.  But at least she was responding.  “N-no.  Just …”  She shuddered again.  

This time, he thought he heard a soft whimper.  Something wasn’t right here.  Where was the self-assured soldier from earlier in the evening?  The woman who had beat all odds and survived not only Akuze, but ICT?  “Can you try to sit up?” he asked softly, though he wasn’t certain why he felt the need to speak in such a way.  “Being upright should help you recover a bit more.”

Her eyes popped open then, and lying as she was in his arms, he saw the surprise cross her face as she realized the same.  “Oh!”  

Kaidan offered her a reassuring smile.  He also felt himself drawn to such blue eyes.  “Hello there,” he told her with a smile.  

He saw her cheeks darken just a bit, some of the color coming back or just red from embarrassment he wasn’t sure, but the color was a good sign.  “I … forgive me.”

Assisting her up into a seated position, Kaidan flashed her a gentle smirk.  “If I must,” he found himself teasing.  She seemed startled at first, but the moment her lips turned upwards at the corners, he was glad he’d done so.  Not only was the smile a sign of recovery, but it also had his insides churning just a bit.  “Feeling better?”

She nodded.  “A bit, yes,” she agreed.  However, he noticed that she moved no further.  

Adjusting his position, Kaidan seated himself on the ground with his back to the railing so that he was looking at her.  He also noted that some of the black curls she’d had up atop her head had come loose and were curling loosely around her cheek.  Without thinking, he reached out and brushed them back, tucking them behind her ear.  When she shivered in response, he snatched his hand back.  “Sorry,” he murmured.  

Shepard blushed.  “I should be apologizing to you, … Lieutenant?” she asked.  With each word, though, her voice was growing stronger.  Clearly she was feeling better.  

“Yes, ma’am.  Or, Kaidan, if you prefer.  And you’ve no reason to be apologizing to me,” he told her.  

“But I’ve pulled you away from a perfectly good party,” she began protesting.

But Kaidan cut her off.  “No,” he insisted, “I was already out here.”  At her look of confusion, he lightly tapped his temple with his finger.  “Migraine.”

“Ah.”  

“Shepard?  What the devil is going on?”

The voice caught Kaidan and Shepard unaware, and both jumped slightly as they were joined by another.  Kaidan could tell by Shepard’s reaction, though, that she knew him.  “Coats,” she murmured.

“What the hell happened?  Anderson found me and said you’d run off?”  Coats moved to assist her to her feet.  Kaidan found his own way upwards.  

“I’m fine,” Shepard insisted.  “I just … I needed some air is all.”  Turning, she reached out to touch Kaidan’s arm which kept him from leaving.  “Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan nodded.  “Yes, ma’am,” he replied.  “And you’re more than welcome.  I’m glad I could assist.”  

Frowning, Coats looked back and forth between them before settling on Kaidan.  “Did something happen?”

“I tripped,” Shepard told him, her eyes meeting Kaidan’s.  He thought he could see a small plea there, so he remained silent, simply nodding in affirmation of her explanation.  “Over my own two feet.  Can you believe it?  N7 rated and I can’t even walk in heels!”  Sighing wearily, she looked up at Coats.  “Can we go home now, please?”

“Of course.”  He glanced one final time over at Kaidan.  “Thank you.”

Kaidan nodded, a smile tilting his lips.  “Happy to help,” he replied.  But as he watched Coats lead Shepard away, he felt his own smile widen as she chanced one last, quick look back at him, offering him a quick smile, a small wink and mouthing the words, “Thank you,” one last time.  Then she was gone.  And though he could still feel the twinge of the migraine as it continued towards a full blown headache, he found that just for a moment he couldn’t really care that much.


	9. Books Written Pages

Upon graduation from N School, Anderson had given Serafina a special gift.  How he’d known, she likely would never find out, but that didn’t make it any less precious to her.  Leather bound and waiting for her to break it in, the journal was a gift that she probably would have refused in her youth.  Kaysey had been the twin who preferred keeping a diary.  Serafina hadn’t had the time or energy or patience to waste on it.  

Times, it seemed, had changed.  

There was a special inscription on the inside binding, she found upon opening it.  Anderson’s doing, no doubt.   _The past will always be yours, Shepard_ , he’d written in his bold style.  The words, of course, had been his way of reminding her that despite everything she’d been through, if she wanted to remember it, it would be there for her.  

It was time to start tracking new memories, she decided.  They began easily enough with her first mission as an N7.  A basic recounting of the facts.  Location.  Parties involved.  Those who were lost.  Status of mission objective.  But with each successive entry, the style shifted.  A little bit here, a little bit there.  More description of events.  More than simple listing of facts.  More narrative than basic debrief.  Before Serafina realized it, her journal had taken on a style all its own.  She might have laughed if she’d realized that she’d become a storyteller in her own right.   But, as with most stories, some were easier than others to tell.

_2182, Mindoir_

_They sent me home._

_I suppose that word isn’t quite appropriate anymore, though.  I haven’t lived there in over ten years.  My life has … moved on.  I have no connection._

_I’m still uncertain why I was chosen for this mission, even now that it is complete.  The colony has rebuilt, has kept the same name as before ... but despite appearances, it isn’t the same.  It will never be the same again.  There are still ghosts, hoary blurred images still visible if you look in the right places, reminders of what once was.  Hints at something that had been before.  But, no matter what they do to the colony, those will never leave._

_I learned something about myself on this assignment.  When it was first given to me, I wondered if seeing those ghosts (because I knew they would be there) would … I don’t know.  Handicap me?  Keep me from completing my mission?  Distract me from the objective?  Was this why I was sent?  A final test though I graduated months ago?  More of a psychological evaluation, perhaps?  But why?  Do questions still remain even though I’ve proven myself?  “Can she still lead when returning to a place with memories less than ideal?”  Or maybe it’s an opportunity?  A chance to say goodbye?  To make peace with the past once and for all?_

_They sent me in to meet up with the Alliance garrison now stationed there.  Permanently.  Four times as many soldiers than were sent in as a rescue team.  A base of operations.  I was given a tour, shown the resurrection of the colony.  Again, it wasn’t the same.  No familiar faces.  None of the old places.  A whole new colony built upon the ashes of the old.  Like a phoenix rising ….  But unlike the phoenix of mythology, it does not fly free of the ashes, living and thriving once again.  It is a pale imitation.  An open sore of a wound that will never heal.  And yet … it tries._

_After the tour, I spoke with the CO, told her what I could of my mission.  She didn’t understand, but she was intelligent enough not to get in my way.  The stripes on my arm, the N7 on my chest were enough backing for my orders for her.  Falling upon the old adage, “It’s above my paygrade,” she gave me access to any and all supplies I might need before we parted company._

_I took my leave … and that was when the real hunt began.  Between the base and my destination, I took a detour.  I needed answers while opportunity was there to find them.  What I found was … difficult to describe._

_What used to be the old square, where laughter and dancing, a true sense of community gathering in celebration when the attack came, is now beneath a warehouse, hidden away from sight.  The family farmstead where I lived the first sixteen years of my life?  Now plowed over and buried beneath a field of what looked to be this years crops.  My perch, the hiding place that kept me safe for three days until Anderson and his men arrived?  A clearing which is now the center of a new, budding farming community._

_To that point, the faces I saw were familiar, though not my own.  Friends.  Acquaintances.  Neighbors.  Uncertain if I wished to face personal ghosts or not, I turned my focus to the mission instead.  It was not difficult.  I located the coordinates, followed the orders I’d been given, retrieved the device requested without issue.  Simple._

_Almost too simple, I realized too late.  Surely any marine unit sent in, even one based on Mindoir, could have done the same without issue._

_So once again the question becomes, Why me?_

_I can only conclude it was part of some sort of evaluation, but for what I don’t know.  I don’t believe I’m up for promotion again for some time yet.  I’m not due for another round of psych evals until then.  Well, whatever the reason for it, the mission was accomplished.  There should be no doubts to my competence.  Should any take issue with it, I will face it head on as I always do._

Of course, there were other sorts of entries interspersed among the mission reports as well.  Descriptions of events during the rare opportunities for shore leave.  Reminiscences of old friends from training. 

_2183, Arcturus Station_

_Had a visit from an old friend today.  Coats dropped in.  He’s currently on his way back to Earth.  Seems he got cut new orders and they want him to instruct at the sniper school for a while.  Though he seemed happy enough with the assignment, there was still an edge to him.  Something that wasn’t settling just right.  Finally got him to tell me what was going on when we headed out for dinner.  I guess he’s not liking the idea of being kept Earthside for the foreseeable future.  He’d rather be running from mission to mission or serving aboard ship I guess.  I could understand that, but I told him he was lucky with his draw.  Now he could give hell to all the incoming sniper specialists.  Payback for some of what we got dished while there.  He thought I should be the one giving the lessons.  That’s the closest he’ll ever come to admitting I’m a better shot than he is, I suppose.  Anyway, we had dinner together, a few drinks, played a few rounds of darts for old times sake (he owes me two rounds next time we meet up, just for future reference).  All in all a pretty good evening._

Though not her usual style, the process of documenting her experiences became a habit borne of repetition.  Along with that, it gave her an outlet of sorts into, while not quite sharing herself with others, at least a way in which she could deal with the day to day stress of her chosen career.  A personal thing, one she rarely allowed others to witness, she still found it a useful release and one, she vowed, to continue throughout her career.  Or, at least as long as it proved useful.

 

* * *

 

The greatest difference between his current and previous travels throughout the galaxy, Kaidan realized almost immediately after receiving his first deployment orders, was that this time he made it a point to keep in contact with his parents.  No longer was he running away from a past, but looking towards a future.  One in which he could be proud.  That said, like many a marine, when opportunity arose he took the occasional trip home for leave.  He promised once a month (at the very least) visits via vid comm whenever possible.  (Because honestly?  He didn’t want to have to deal with his mother the next visit home if she hadn’t seen him on a frequent enough basis!)  And, of course, there were the written messages back and forth that filled in the time between.  Short, long, in between length - all that mattered was that the contact was there.  The lines of communication remained, open and intact.

Messages arriving from home usually originated with his mother.  Long, descriptive narratives about life at the orchard.  Updates on various members of the family, especially cousins of a like age to him who were ‘settling down’ and providing the family with the next generation of cousins already.  As subtle as she was, and as much as Kaidan loved his mother, he had to cringe every time he saw the phrase, _Oh, and by the way, your cousin …_.  A recounting of how the orchard had fared during whatever current weather challenges were being thrown their way.  All in all, she was his link to the more detailed happenings back home.  

On a much less frequent basis, his father would send a note.  But unlike Katryn, Mikhail’s messages were never more than a few sentences in length and almost always had a specific purpose.  Mostly, they were birthday greetings, holiday wishes, a response to a particular inquiry Kaidan had made.  Every once in a while, Mikhail would also write about how the orchard was faring.  Again, unlike his wife’s messages, these were usually comments regarding certain plans that he and Kaidan had discussed previously and he was now putting into motion.  

All in all, the messages were Kaidan’s link between past and present.  A reminder of who he had been, who he was becoming, and in some cases, of a future that had yet to describe itself to him.  The replies Kaidan sent to his mother were much more vague when it came to stories of his adventures in service of the Alliance (no sense in worrying her, he figured).  Only the rare occasional anecdote of a brief shore leave in one of the colonies or his first encounter with a new species like the turian or volus; something that Katryn might find both interesting (she didn’t often have a chance to meet any of the other galactic species) and amusing (he always made whatever adventure he told her about amusing at his own expense, if necessary).  

With his father, though, Kaidan knew he didn’t have to hide the realities of it.  Often times, he didn’t even have to go into much detail at all which was good, because there were times and some experiences that Kaidan just didn’t feel he could discuss in detail.  Even through a less personal, written message.  It was in moments like this that Kaidan knew he didn’t have to worry.  Mikhail Alenko had been there.  Had lived it.  He _knew_.  From experience or association with those who had experienced.  He understood how the sudden surge of adrenaline as an alert for an unexpected deployment into a hot zone came blaring out of nowhere across the communications system could make the skin crawl, the breathing hitch and the nightmares become all too real.  He had felt the weight of armor and weapons while waiting as patiently as one could for a drop into an unknown and potentially violent battlefield took place.  He had been there, returning with limbs shaking in relief after a particular raid for which dread had built upon itself at the thought of a much more disastrous outcome actually ended up more hopeful than had been originally expected.  

It was after times like this that Kaidan would reach out to his father, one soldier to another.

_To: Mikhail Alenko_

_From: Alenko, K.  LT_

_RE: Checking In_

_I’m sorry it’s been so long since the last time I spoke to you both by vid comm, but finding the available time and access while out here in the Traverse isn’t always easy.  I know you can recall just how bad a tour out here can be, Dad.  Thankfully, we’ve had no major attacks - on us directly or against any of the colonies.  But, we have had run ins with small raiding parties, overtaken some larger vessels whose goals seem to have been aimed at supplying ‘armies’ for larger attacks, and so on.  You know how it was.  Still is.  Intel has improved a lot since that attack on Mindoir so long ago, but we are constantly on alert, ready to go at a moment’s notice.  We all knew the score when the tour started.  There’s a reason we get hazardous duty pay tacked on for service out here.  And as always, there are rumors flying wildly about hinting at some imminent attack, the ‘big one,’ another one ‘just like Mindoir,’ or some such._

_Do me a favor?  Just tell Mom know I’m safe, okay?  Remind her, ‘No news is good news.’  And I promise, when this tour comes to an end in a couple of months, I’ll find a way to get back for a visit, no matter how long or short it is.  I’ll make it up to you both then._

_Kaidan_

Though living in an age of technological advances usually meant fairly fast response times, Kaidan never worried when he didn’t have an immediate reply from his father.  Military deep down, he alone probably understood best the inherent _need_ to receive one, but Kaidan also knew that life at the orchard ran along a different sort of clock.  Nature did not always cooperate.  Schedules conflicted.  Timing issues often delayed things, and so it was no surprise for Kaidan that it was as he went off duty on the third day after sending his original message that he received his father’s reply.

_To: Alenko, K. LT_

_From: Alenko, M. CPT. (Ret)_

_RE: RE: Checking In_

_Though your mother insists she is not worrying, I did catch her up late of an evening last week, haunting the extranet news sites.  Your message was a welcome bit of relief from worry.  For us both.  We hear so little from that far out these days._

_Quick note: Your mother and I went into Vancouver this past weekend.  Ran into David Anderson.  Had dinner together, he told us he’d seen you some months back.  I think you impressed him, son.  He asked for me to pass along his best regards.  He also mentioned some big, new project he’s being pulled into, but you know how it is.  Vague references to half formed rumors._

_Think you might make it back for the holidays this year?  I think your cousin is hoping you’ll go to a hockey match with him._

_Dad_

Of course his mother would worry, Kaidan realized.  She didn’t usually overreact by nature, but she _was_ both wife and mother to military men.  Kaidan hated the thought that she worried so much, but what else could he do?  He also realized that past actions were, in large part, likely the cause.  Those years he’d spent out of contact.  Without a word home.  

Sighing, Kaidan headed towards his quarters.  The ship was due to dock at Arcturus in a weeks’ time for a supply run.  Maybe he could make arrangements to call home and talk to his parents at that time.  Reassure his mother he was alright.  He remembered once hearing someone say, “The past is what you make of it.”  He’d made his fair share of mistakes in his, no doubts there, but it was time to move on.  He would deal with the still lingering after effects of his choices as best he could (they were of his own making, after all), but he wouldn’t let it hold him back.  Not anymore.  Not again.  

 


	10. Live and Learn

 

Staff Lieutenant Serafina Shepard was nothing if not a team player.  She proved that every day as a Systems Alliance marine.  Like any other soldier, she’d had plenty of reason and opportunity to cut and run during her years; her original term of service was long since completed.  God alone knew how she’d found a way and the will to survive at times when others had not.  But that was not Shepard’s way.  Despite events like Akuze, she built a reputation of being reliable, dependable, able to accomplish what others could not.  It had been part of what had singled her out for consideration for N7 training in the first place.  It was something she had gone on to prove to her superiors over and over again.  She was dedicated, loyal, a capable leader who knew how to get the job done.  For her, command nestled around her shoulders like one of her grandmother’s knit blankets; familiar, comfortable, an acceptable weight and burden.  

And yet ...

Some months into her new duties, Shepard’s first N7 mission that had seen her operate alone had come as a surprise.  The mission had gone to hell from the beginning - a rare occurrence to be sure, but one she’d dealt with in her usual way.  In the end, she’d made the command decision to move in, act independently and accomplish the goal after the rest of her team suffered severe losses.  Many in Alliance Command had written her off at the time, arguing that such reckless decision making could only result in her death, but Shepard had proved them wrong.  Not only had she returned, but she had accomplished the mission objectives in the process.  

The change that followed was subtle, but it was one she noticed immediately.  In the end, it was one that also worked for her as well as her superiors.  There were benefits to working alone; or as an independent unit set apart from the larger team.  And Shepard excelled at it.  Blending in.  Hiding in plain sight.  Finding weaknesses of her target and exploiting them to her advantage.  Her reputation continued to grow and so did her name.  

_Shepard._

Her service record began to read like a travel itinerary.  Though the majority of the details ended up redacted, sealed away until such a time that everyone involved was long dead, the list continued growing.  Success after success.

However, not all missions went well.  

Her arrival in London served a two-fold purpose this time.  The first was to debrief with her superiors in person regarding the disaster from which she’d just escaped.  One of _those_ missions in which her superiors had relied upon doubtful intelligence and sent her in.  She’d been alone, but the mission had been blown even before she’d stepped off that shuttle.  And though she’d spent three harrowing days and four nights waiting for an evac that never came, she had found a way to survive.  The personal debrief, she knew, was meant as an opportunity for Command to manipulate her, find a way to save their faces at her expense.  And though Shepard _was_ loyal and a team player, she’d be damned if she’d take the blame for _this_ snafu.  She also discovered that she had some considerably powerful friends supporting her.

The other purpose for her visit was more personal.

_The Queen’s Crown_.  As public houses went, not too bad, Shepard supposed, though she was far from an expert on them.  She was not as familiar with Earth as she probably ought to be.  This particular pub was a bit on the smallish side of things, she thought.  Or, perhaps, _cozy_ might be a better way to describe it.  But it was where she’d been asked to meet, and so here she was.  Dressed casually.  Seated at the bar.  Drink in hand.  Watching the remaining minutes of her leave tick idly away one after another after another ....

“Shepard!”

Her eyes lifted first, meeting his in the mirror behind the bar.  Smiling softly, Shepard stood and slowly turned around.  “Coats,” she greeted him a moment later, stepping in to give him a quick hug.  “Long time.”

His greeting was a bit more enthusiastic.  After kissing her cheek, he waved to the bartender for a pint then led her over to one of the booths against the far wall.  “Too long,” he agreed.  “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting.”

Shepard chuckled while taking her seat.  “Nah,” she teased.  “Kept myself busy watching as one fifth of the remainder of my leave vanished into thin air ….”

The lines around his eyes creased as he chuckled.  “Such a cheeky thing!  I wasn’t _that_ late, was I?”  He glanced at his watch and she saw the smile turn to a wince.  “Right then, maybe I was.  Anyway, I thought you said you had leave through tomorrow.”

One of the serving girls walked by and left Coats’ drink on the table.  Lifting her own, Shepard tilted her glass slightly at him.  “Cheers,” she murmured with a small nod.

“Cheers.”  He paused and took a long drink.  “So?”

Shepard smirked.  “My my,” she teased, a twinkle of mischief flashing in her eyes, “someone’s lost his patience while teaching at sniper school.”

“Heh.”  

There was a dryness to his laugh, but Shepard saw the truth in his eyes.  He was finding satisfaction in his work.  With a slightly dramatic and long drawn out sigh, she leaned forward and gave in.  “If I tell you, you can’t say anything.  Not yet, anyway.”  She saw his brow lift as his eyes widened a bit.  “Either promise me or you’ll be in the dark like everyone else, Coats,” she warned sternly.

“That’s hardly fair!” he protested before leaning in towards her.  Then in a much more subdued tone, “So?”

Shepard chuckled.  “I was brought in because the brass wanted to talk to me about my last mission.”  Coats nodded.  She’d already told him what she could about that.  “They were all set to let hang me out to dry over this one.”

Coats frowned.  “That bad?”

She nodded.  “That bad.  Anyway, turns out, someone higher up has been watching my six the entire time.  I just didn’t realize it until afterwards.”  Reaching into a pocket of her jacket, she pulled a small datapad and set it on the table, turning it so he could see it before she pushed it towards him.  She gave him a few minutes to read, noted the way his eyes shot up in her direction, then back down just as quickly to read on.  Only then did she speak again.  “Captain Anderson was there,” she murmured.  “Pulled me aside when I left.  He’d been there throughout, given me his support.  Admiral Hackett’s.  Ambassador Udina’s ….”

“Udina?  Why the politician?” Coats challenged.

Shepard shrugged.  “No idea.  But whatever the reason, it seemed to work.  Blame for the last mission -”

“It wasn’t your fault to begin with!”

She chuckled.  “You and I both know how it goes,” she reminded him.  “Officially, no blame was placed anywhere.”  Shrugging her shoulders, she continued, “This, however,” she tapped the edge of the datapad with her index finger, “is what Anderson gave me afterwards.”

“I’d heard some rumors,” Coats mused quietly before pushing the datapad back across the table.  “The turians helping design an Alliance ship and all.  Lieutenant Commander, eh?  And duty as Anderson’s XO?”

She pocketed the datapad and nodded.  “So it would seem.”

Coats sat back then and, after a moment, turned to signal one of the servers over.  “Two more pints,” he requested, though his eyes never left Shepard’s.  “And it’s _your_ treat,” he told her as the server left.

Shepard rolled her eyes.  “How do you figure that?” she challenged.  “Last time we were together, I believe we parted ways with you owing me a couple of rounds.”

Coats grinned widely.  “ _I_ didn’t just get promoted,” he countered as the drinks arrived.  A moment later, he raised his glass in salute.  “Here’s to us,” Coats began.  “Who’s like us?”

Shepard raised her glass in return, completing the toast he’d taught her years before in sniper school.  “Damn few.  And they’re all dead!”

“Right then,” Coats continued a moment later.  “Tonight’s all you’ve got?”  Shepard nodded.  “Then we’ll send you off in style.  Dinner -”

Shepard snorted.  “Pub grub, you mean?” she asked.  She’d been treated to his idea of ‘dinner’ several times in the past.

Chuckling, Coats nodded.  “Why not?  Dinner then darts and then things’ll get real interesting ….”

Though she was rolling her eyes, Shepard did manage a smile.  “Sounds like a hell of a send off to me,” she agreed while raising her hand to catch the server’s attention.  “Just don’t blame me when you have a few more rounds you owe me when next our paths cross.”  By the end of the night, Shepard had to admit, it had indeed been a hell of a send off.

* * *

 

_Staff Lieutenant_.  Kaidan chuckled softly to himself as he finished putting his things away in his locker.  The promotion, while not a complete surprise - he _had_ earned it, after all - still had enough of a fresh taste to it that the novelty had yet to wear off.  And along with the promotion had come the new duty assignment.  One that finally brought him under the command of his father’s long-time friend, Captain Anderson.

Kaidan had been on leave when his orders were cut.  Visiting his folks back in Vancouver for a couple of days as he’d promised weeks before.  This time, they’d remained at the family apartment in the city because his time was to be limited to a few days, but it was better than nothing.  Casual afternoons looking out off the balcony, taking in the view of English Bay with his father while drinking a beer.  Enjoying his mother’s homemade cooking in which she promised him _all_ of his favorite foods.  Relating different ‘adventures’ from his service in the Traverse to both parents while trying to minimize the danger that had been involved.  Good times.

The day before Kaidan was scheduled to leave, Captain Anderson had shown up at the door.  Though unexpected, his arrival was welcomed and Kaidan watched his father greeting his old friends.  But even as he did so, Anderson’s eyes met Kaidan’s with a look that said, _I’m here for you not them._  By the time dinner was on the table, they were all celebrating Kaidan’s promotion.  Two days later, Kaidan was hopping aboard a shuttle in Vancouver and that would transport him to his new duty assignment: the _Normandy_.

Kaidan’s first impression of the ship was one of pure amazement and awe.  Beautiful and sleek in design, an interesting mix of turian and human structural engineering, he found it to be much easier to get used to than he first imagined.  After arrival, as they waited on the rest of the crew to report, Kaidan took it upon himself to explore the ship in detail.  First stop: Engineering.  Kaidan greeted Chief Engineer Adams and was not surprised when he ended up spending a goodly amount of time with the man discussing the new drive core in detail.  A ‘marvel of engineering’ to be sure, Kaidan found himself promising the chief engineer that he would return to discuss it further at some point in the future.  All in all, a promising start to this new assignment.

After a quick exploration of the garage area, a discussion with the quartermaster as to what weaponry and armor would be made available, Kaidan eventually worked his way up through the ship and to the cockpit.  Though he hadn’t met the man before, Kaidan had heard about Flight Lieutenant Jeff “Joker” Moreau and how he’d been chosen as the _Normandy_ ’s pilot.  In an attempt to find out more about the person, Kaidan took some time to get to know the man.  In the process, he learned a few things from the wisecracking pilot that he felt might come in handy later … one of which was to never get caught assisting the pilot with ‘fine tuning adjustments.’

“How did I let you talk me into this again?” Kaidan muttered as he lowered himself to slide beneath the console.

“Because you know I’m right,” Joker countered from his seat.  “And because I’m the best damned pilot in the Alliance.  It’s a call I can make - I’m _entitled_ to make.”

Kaidan sighed.  “Arrogant much?” he countered.

“It’s not arrogance if it’s truth, Alenko,” Joker returned.  A light on his console began flashing red.  “Not that one,” he added.  The flashing stopped for a moment, shifting to a different location when it began again, still in red.  “Okay, that’s it.”

Kaidan used his omni-tool to fiddle with the adjustment Joker had requested.  

“Besides,” Joker continued as if he’d never even been interrupted, “I know this ship.”

“So you’ve said,” Kaidan returned mildly.  “How’s that?”

Joker lifted himself partly out of his seat and leaned forward to read the monitor.  “Another three degrees,” he interjected.  After another minute, the pilot nodded.  “Yeah, that’s good.”  This time the flashing light was green.

“Hot wiring the ship before we even leave port, Flight Lieutenant?”

Both men froze in place; Joker half in/half out of his pilot’s seat, Kaidan still partially hidden beneath the console the sight of his extended legs the only indication that anyone was there, as the new voice joined in the conversation.  “Uh … no, ma’am,” Joker stammered as he landed awkwardly in his seat and turned to face her.  “I mean, yes, ma’am,” he corrected himself while hissing a soft curse beneath his breath, his hand rising in salute.  “Err, Commander.  Ma’am.”

Kaidan groaned softly as he finished extricating himself from the wires and paneling beneath the console.  Rising to his feet, he was already saluting as he turned to face …. “The fault is mine, Command-...”  Kaidan’s eyes widened in recognition as his eyes met hers.  Though her coal colored tresses were twisted up into what looked like a complicated yet no-nonsense knot on the top of her head, it was difficult not to recognize her even after several years.  Her eyes, the cerulean blue that he remembered all too clearly, were sharp and focused on him.  “Commander Shepard?”

She nodded, but Kaidan noted that there was no indication of any returned recognition in her look.  Quickly, sharply returning the salute, she told them, “At ease.  What’s going on up here?”

Joker and Kaidan exchanged a quick glance.  “I asked the Staff Lieutenant to help me modify some of the settings,” Joker explained.  “Just … minor stuff, Commander.  Nothing to worry about.  Certainly not part of the major systems.  I-”

Shepard’s brow lifted in question.  “Lieutenant,” she reminded the pilot quietly, “I am fully aware of the circumstances behind your being made pilot of the _Normandy_.”  

Joker swallowed the rest of what he had been trying to say.  Though no official warning had been spoken, he heard it all too clearly in the tone of voice.  Shit.  They’d landed a ‘by the books’ kind of XO.

Kaidan, recovering from his momentary surprise at Shepard’s arrival, noticed that she was standing there, dressed in uniform but with the strap of a duffle bag over one shoulder.  She’d just boarded the ship.  Perhaps he could defuse the situation quickly.  “Ma’am, if you’re looking for Captain Anderson, he’s in his quarters.  I can show you the way if you like?” he offered.

Shepard turned to face him and nodded.  “Please.”  Turning away, she exited the bridge before Kaidan.  

Kaidan glanced over at Joker before he departed, noting the pilot was looking a bit green around the gills.  “Relax,” he said quietly as he turned away.  “I’ve got this.”  It was the least he could do, right?  After all, he’d willingly gone along with Joker’s request.

“Relax, he says,” Joker muttered before turning his seat back around to face the control console and slouching back into it feeling like a big pool of jelly.  “Easy for you to say.”

Kaidan moved to the Commander’s side and briskly led the way through the interior of the ship.  Though only about half-staffed at the moment, there was an air of ‘down to business’ about the place.  Last minute checks on systems, arriving crew members locating their duty stations, that sort of thing.  They walked by the galaxy map - to Kaidan’s way of thinking, one of the more beautiful as well as technologically brilliant systems of the new design - and he was still struggling to find something to say, even going so far as to consider bringing up the weather, of all things.  However, before he could settle on one topic of discussion, she spoke instead.  “It’s been a long time, Lieutenant.”  

He glanced over, surprised, and met her gaze while noting the friendly smile she wore.  So she _did_ remember.  Smiling back in return, he opened the door leading down to the next deck and replied, “It has indeed, Commander.”  

“Staff Lieutenant?”

He nodded.  “Yes, ma’am,” he acknowledged quickly.  “And we’re ready to go, too.”

Shepard chuckled at his enthusiasm.  “No doubt,” she agreed.  

They came to a halt shortly thereafter, and Kaidan gestured towards the door in front of them.  “That’s the Captain’s quarters.”  

Shepard adjusted the strap at her shoulder as she nodded.  Taking this as a sign of dismissal, Kaidan was just turning away when he heard her call after him, “Kaidan … thank you.”

She slipped through the door a moment later, just before Kaidan could glance back to look at her, but even so, he had a bit of a smile on his face as he walked away towards his duty station.  She remembered him, his name even.  That was a start.  Certainly a foundation for a good working relationship, right?  All in all, a step in the right direction.  This tour was looking up already ….

 


	11. Fools and Sages

It was his fault.

Kaidan could admit it - _would_ admit it - when she woke up and rejoined the living aboard the _Normandy_.  But until that happened, he was finding it difficult to do much of anything but relieve that one moment in time.  

Had it been idle curiosity that had caused him to throw caution to the wind and step towards the beacon, somehow triggering it into an active state?  An ingrained curiosity about tech - human, alien, even ancient alien in nature - that had haunted him from youth and ultimately guided him to his current classification as sentinel?  

The Prothean beacon had been their mission objective, of that there was no doubt.  Was it because of that he’d stepped forward?  Duty first.  By the regs.  Even when missions went to hell in a handbasket, when parameters changed but the objective remained the same.  The loss of Jenkins and the acquisition of Williams had had little to do with that.  Kaidan had always been the one to see the goal, to remain focused enough to achieve it.  But, after this ….   

Maybe it had been that incessant, low droning hum of the beacon.  The type that rattled the teeth in their sockets, triggered the worst migraines; the type that Kaidan seemed to be overly sensitive to ever since receiving his L2 implant at age sixteen.  Williams certainly didn’t seem to have been affected adversely by it.  Neither had Shepard.  Not until she’d moved to throw him out of the beacon’s range.

Guilt was a powerful thing.  He felt like a fool of epic proportion for what had happened.  Had he been paying more attention, it likely would never have occurred.  Distraction was the best excuse he could come up with for a reason why.  A distraction by the name of Shepard.

Since their evacuation of Eden Prime and return to the _Normandy_ , Kaidan had attempted to lose himself in the necessities of duty.  Writing reports as well as condolences.  Recommendations for Captain Anderson as to why they should keep Chief Williams aboard ship, especially after the loss of Jenkins.  Cleaning and mending his armor.  Thorough examination and cleaning of his weaponry.  He’d even found a brief moment to speak with Williams, show her to the armory workstation next to crew lockers and get her assigned to one.  Only once all this was completed did he return to the med bay where he took a seat off to the side, out of the way of Dr. Chakwas.  Waiting.  Watching.  Hoping and praying.  He’d lost count how much time passed, but he did notice that the doctor didn’t seem overly concerned or worried.  That was good, right?

In the end, he was the first to notice the change.  Hearing a soft sound, barely noticeable beneath the hum of the ship’s engines and the equipment in the med bay, Kaidan ventured over to find Shepard’s eyes beginning to flutter open.  “Doctor Chakwas,” he called over his shoulder, “she’s waking up.”

Kaidan stepped back as the doctor moved in to run a quick scan.  Eyes upon Shepard as she moved, the doctor noted even the vaguest hint of hesitation as the Commander sat up.  She seemed only a little shaky as she shifted, but at least she was moving.  Breathing.  Talking.  The headache she mentioned Kaidan could commiserate with her about later, but for now he simply felt relief washing over and through him.  Relief that she appeared to be alright.  That she didn’t seem to be suffering any ill effects from the beacon save the headache.  That she apparently didn’t blame him for what had happened planetside.  

“I’ll go notify Captain Anderson,” the doctor murmured as she stepped away.  “Lieutenant, would you stay with the Commander, please?  Wouldn’t want her having a dizzy spell and falling over now, would we?”

Kaidan stepped forward.  “Of course,” he promised, though his eyes were on Shepard’s and not the doctor.  

Once the doctor was on the far side of the room and Kaidan felt secure enough that she would not overhear the conversation, he said quietly, “Commander, I want to apologize for -”

“Lieutenant,” she rasped, “don’t.”  When she began struggling to adjust her position on the bed, he offered her his hand and assisted.  After clearing her throat, rubbing at her right temple and then turning so her legs were hanging over the side of the bed, she added in a stronger voice, “You had no way of knowing what would happen.”  Groaning softly, she ran her hand over her face for a moment.  “What the hell happened down there?” she asked.

“The beacon seemed to … capture you,” Kaidan explained.  “It held you in some sort of stasis before releasing you after which it exploded.  Probably a system overload of some sort.”

Shepard’s hand lowered and she lifted her eyes to meet his.  He saw the soft smile tilting at her lips then.  “It had one hell of a kick,” she informed him.  Kaidan found he couldn’t resist a chuckle.  “How long was I out?”

He glanced at his omni-tool.  “Fifteen hours, give or take.  The doctor said you had increased rapid eye movement.  Like you were experiencing intense dreaming.”

He saw her eyes close, though he noticed a small shudder shake through her shoulders as she sat very still for a long moment.  “Yeah.  I … I’m not sure what I saw,” she told him, her voice more hushed than before.  “It was … death.  Destruction.  I just ….”

Her voice trailed off and he saw her eyes furrowing as if she was trying to pinpoint something she was seeing.  Reaching out, he took her hand and squeezed it once before releasing it.  “Hey, doc says you’ll be fine,” he reminded her quietly.  “Whatever it was, it’ll come back to you.  Maybe you just need some time to process it.”

Shepard nodded and found a small smile again as her eyes opened again.  “Yeah.  Maybe.”  He watched her straighten some then before asking, “And you?  Are you alright?  Williams?”

Kaidan nodded.  “We’re both fine.  She helped me get you back to the ship.  Like I said, the beacon exploded and was destroyed, so there wasn’t really anything left to bring.  We’re on our way to the Citadel right now.”

The whoosh of the opening door on the far side of the med bay had both Kaidan and Shepard glancing in that direction.  It also had them both straightening to attention as Captain Anderson approached.  “How’s our XO holding up, doctor?” he asked.

Dr. Chakwas had followed the captain over.  “All her readings are normal.  I’d say the Commander is going to be fine.”

“Glad to hear it,” Anderson replied.  He then gave Kaidan a rather pointed look while adding, “I need to speak with the Commander … in private.”

Nodding his understanding, Kaidan saluted before turning to leave.  

“Lieutenant?”

Kaidan paused as Shepard called to him.  Glancing back over his shoulder, he asked, “Yes, ma’am?”

“Thank you.”

Kaidan nodded once then turned and left.  But at least now he’d be able to focus on his duty assignment without the added hint of concern lacing it.

* * *

Having Williams as a part of her ground team was proving to be an interesting experience, Shepard thought.  On Eden Prime, the Commander had noted the younger woman’s rather quirky sense of humor in the face of adversity.  Shepard had been willing to overlook it at the time because Williams had kept her head and held it together.  Having gone through a similar experience of her own, Shepard believed she could relate to what the Chief might be going through.  

But once they arrived at the Citadel, Shepard became witness to another side of Williams.  The dry wit.  The easy, if somewhat borderline on over familiarity with her superiors, repartee; Shepard immediately recognized it as what it was: another side of the same coin.  In a way, Shepard found it comforting - memories of a childhood long past flickered in the back of her mind - and was definitely recognizable as something that one might expect between siblings.  But they weren’t siblings, and that was the one unavoidable factor.  Both Shepard and Kaidan were superior officers.  Though Williams was still learning to cope with her losses on Eden Prime (no matter what the woman said, Shepard could still see the haunted look behind her eyes; she also knew it would remain for some time to come), the chain of command had to be maintained.  With that in mind, Shepard made a mental note to discuss this further with the Chief - in private - once they were back aboard ship.  

Of course, that had been before.  Other warning signals began to flare when they met and recruited Wrex … Garrus … Tali.  Though she said nothing to Williams at the time, Shepard was observant.  Words and phrasing had meanings beyond the simplest of interpretations.  Phrasing.  Tone.  Combine that with body language and, well ….  But events had happened so fast - meeting Wrex, finding Garus and saving Dr. Michel, tracking down Fist and then Tali ... even now, hours removed from the events, Shepard still felt her head spinning, and that had nothing to do with her newly acquired Spectre status.

Shepard was a master at hiding her true feelings, but still, it must have shown.  Somehow.  The realization came, surprisingly, as she exited her cabin and heard a familiar voice nearby call out, “Commander?”

Turning, Shepard faced Kaidan as he stepped away from his workstation, moving in her direction.  “At ease, Lieutenant,” she murmured while stepping over to speak with him.  She had to bite back a smile.  He was standing there, before her, at full attention.  So ramrod straight that it seemed like he might just snap in two if he wasn’t careful.  If there was nothing else she had picked up from him in the short time they’d known each other, it was that he played things by the book.  But they were alone in the mess, so she felt comfortable enough relaxing the regs for now.

Kaidan nodded at her words and Shepard nearly sighed in relief to see him settling into parade rest.  “Can I have a moment of your time, ma’am?” he asked.

Shepard pulled her lower lip between her teeth as she nodded.  She could feel the quirky side of her nature trying to peek through, though it came as a surprise to her as one of the last times she’d felt comfortable enough to allow anyone to see this side of her had been in the days before the attack on Mindoir.  “I try to make time for all of my officers,” she replied.  “Just … do me a favor?  Don’t call me ma’am, okay?”  She gave him a quick, conspiratorial wink.  “Makes me feel old!”

He chuckled softly and Shepard noted that his shoulders seemed to ease just a bit more.   _Good_.  “So,” she continued, “what can I do for you, Kaidan?”

“Actually, Shepard,” he admitted, “I was going to ask you something along those same lines.”

Shepard winced almost instantly.  “That bad, huh?” she asked, abashed.

Kaidan smiled, nothing but reassurance and concern present.  “Not too badly,” he replied.  “Then again, I know how to recognize the signs.”

Lips quirking upwards, Shepard chuckled for a moment in silent acknowledgement of his words.  Only then did she briefly explain to him the things she’d noticed earlier that day when she, he and Williams had been running their missions aboard the Citadel.  More specifically, once they’d recruited their new teammates.  “I’m not saying there is a problem.  It could just be my imagination, I suppose,” she pointed out immediately.  “What I _AM_ saying is that if there is an issue, I want it resolved before it becomes a larger, more problematic one.”  Especially since they were now on their way to Therum to find the asari, Dr. T’Soni, and convince her to join their cause.

Kaidan was silent for a time, but Shepard saw that he was considering her words carefully.  It was only after he darted a quick look over at her, one that hinted he had something to say but was concerned with protocol that she quickly put him at ease.  “Permission to speak freely,” she assured him.

“Well, ma’-”  

Shepard gave him a quick, hard look.  

Kaidan ducked his head for a moment, but when he lifted it again, his features were well schooled and he tried again.  “Shepard.  Perhaps you’re looking at this the wrong way.”

Shepard blinked.  “Oh?  How do you figure?” she asked, not certain what he was driving at.

“Well … technically, as Staff Lieutenant, I am Williams’ immediate superior officer, right?  Why not let me speak with her first?” he asked.  

She opened her mouth to protest, even took a deep breath to begin, but in the end his words caused her to blink.  Again.  Releasing her breath, her eyes closed for a long moment as she simply shook her head back and forth.  He was right.  

“As both Captain of the _Normandy_ , and as Council Spectre, you have other duties that require your more immediate attention,” he continued reasonably.  “And, I would be happy to assist in this instance.”

Shepard met his gaze and eyed him for a long moment.  She thought she could see something more behind his eyes, something … assessing?  Testing?  She wasn’t quite certain.  “I ….”  The way his eyebrow rose in silent challenge had her hesitating in her reply.  

“If there is a greater issue involving the Chief that requires your attention,” he promised, “I will bring it to your attention immediately.”

Shepard chewed her lip a bit more, for altogether different reasons this time, then nodded as she sighed softly.  “Alright,” she agreed, though reluctance was clear in her tone.  

Kaidan smirked softly.  “Not used to delegating, are you, Commander?” he asked quietly.

Shepard felt her cheeks heat at the gentle accusation.  “Oh, it isn’t that,” she hastily protested.  “It’s more … well ….  Shit!”  She could hear him chuckling softly as she cursed, her eyes closing for a long moment as embarrassment staked its claim yet again.  “This is going to sound ridiculous!” she muttered.

“Maybe,” he agreed though there was no hint of laughter in his tone.  “But then again, maybe you need to say it aloud to remind yourself of the lesson you clearly know but seem unwilling to follow?”

Shepard narrowed her eyes on him for a long, thoughtful moment.  “Battlefield psychology, Lieutenant?”

He grinned, straight white teeth gleaming as if supporting his right to amusement.  “I prefer philosophy, myself,” he countered easily.

Shepard’s lips finally broke into a smile.   _Oh, what the hell.  He caught me, he wins._  “Tomato, tomahto,”  she retorted.  Taking a deep breath, she continued, “What I was going to say was that, for the past several years, I’ve gotten used to being a one person team.”  Then she shrugged.  “I’m not so much a micromanager as I am just used to _having_ to do it all myself.”

Kaidan’s smile was warm and genuine.  “About time you got used to having a support team at your six then, wouldn’t you say?”

Shepard nodded.  “Point taken,” she returned by way of agreement.  “Alright then, you talk with her then let me know.”

Shepard thought she saw another smirk flicker across his lips as he moved back into a more formal stance and saluted her.  “Aye aye, Commander.”

He departed before Shepard even had time to finish her return salute.  An interesting turn of events, she now discovered that she had time before their arrival on Therum to go over the latest intelligence reports that the Council had sent her way as they were departing the Citadel.   _If it’s not one thing, it’s another_ , she mused before turning to duck back inside her cabin once again.  

  



	12. Come Back To You

No sooner had they recruited Dr. T’Soni to their cause (‘rescued’ was more like it, he thought, but he would accept the Commander’s interpretation of events for now), than the _real_ mission began.  Mixed with a sprinkling of side missions for the Alliance - they _were_ an Alliance vessel, the Commander’s Spectre status notwithstanding - the _Normandy_ began their chase of Saren and the geth through the Traverse.  

It was quite the merry chase the rogue Spectre led them on as well.  Rumors of Saren’s presence in one system; suggestions of geth sightings or incursions in others, ambushes by a group one might not usually expect such high level tactics; it all made for a busy time and the necessity to be on constant alert, even on a stealth specialized ship such as the _Normandy_.  

However, it also provided an opportunity for the crew to get to know one another, personally and in the field.  Out of habit, after each mission groundside Kaidan took the time to complete a mission report.  Not so much as a secondary account of happenings during the mission - Shepard’s reports held much more weight to that end of things, and her attention to detail was even better than his, though he’d never tell her that - as it was a chance for him to help mentally organize his thoughts regarding the various squad members.  He was in charge of the marines, of course, but he also included information regarding the non-humans and non-marines who had a tendency to join them.  

 _Wrex_.  A biotic like Kaidan himself, the krogan had interesting views on battle and life in general.  Always in the thick of the fight, fearless in any situation, Kaidan was glad he could say the krogan was on _his_ side.  It almost made him feel sorry for Saren and the geth.  Almost.

 _Garrus_.  The turian took some time to figure out, Kaidan was willing to admit, but in the end, he realized that the former C-Sec officer brought quite a bit to the table.  Technical abilities aside (Kaidan was _certainly_ glad that it was the turian and not him who had to face off with the Mako after a mission in which Shepard had been driving), it took Kaidan only a short while to realize that Garrus had some natural hesitancies.  Not so much out in the field - Kaidan knew the turians were one of those societies built upon mandatory military service beginning in the teenage years - but when it came to the discussion of certain tactics or strategies in regards to their hunt for Saren.  While concerning at times, Kaidan found it interesting to watch how Shepard dealt with it.  Every mission became a teaching moment.  Every debrief an opportunity to reinforce decisions made during the heat of battle or to discuss alternatives.  Theoretical battle calls, too.  In the long run, Kaidan could say he saw the difference that it made, and not just in the turian.

 _Tali_.  Kaidan couldn’t deny he had a bit of affection for the young quarian.  It began with pure admiration for her technical knowledge and ended in many a long and friendly discussion between them, sometimes pulling in Garrus and even the Commander for the full effect that only someone with a knowledge of tech would understand.  But though still young by some standards, Kaidan found the quarian to be quite mature in her views on things.  

 _Liara_.  Kaidan’s knowledge of asari as a race was limited to the Prothean expert and the few others he had come across on the Citadel.  But from what he’d encountered, he could say that for the most part they were an interesting enough species.  It came as no surprise really, the times when Kaidan would end up having an impromptu discussion with Liara regarding biotics.  Though she was not trained nearly as well as any of the others aboard ship with weapons, per se, her skill with biotics left no doubt that she was someone who could take care of herself on a battlefield or otherwise.  Quite unexpectedly, but by no  means unappreciated, Kaidan found that, in return for assisting her with some minor weapons training, she was more than willing to teach him a few things from her own experiences in regard to use of biotics.  

At the same time, Kaidan took the opportunity to get to know his fellow marines a bit better as well.  After his initial discussion with Ashley which had gone much better than he’d expected, their relationship had almost immediately fallen into one similar to that of siblings.  Or, at least what Kaidan imagined it would have been like, had he had a sibling.  Ash, he found out, was the oldest of four and was quite used to it, and he was definitely finding friendship with her to be a learning experience.

The Commander, on the other hand, was harder for him to figure out.  He knew a little about her, of course, but conflicting with what he thought he knew, scuttlebutt had it that she was cold, hard, not so much difficult to get along with as just difficult to get to know.  By her own admission, she was used to working alone.  But that one discussion they’d had, so far had been the only instance he’d come across with her that even hinted at any sort of difficulty, and even then it had been minimal.  Otherwise, he found her to be a good officer, a leader by example and one who took everything into consideration when making the important decisions.  Each groundside mission only added to this image.

And every once in a while, there would one mission that gave him insight into who the ‘real’ Commander Shepard might be.

From the beginning of their tour, her habit was to write up her reports and have Joker send them off, usually within a few hours of returning.  Today, however, Kaidan noted it was taking much longer than usual, though he could guess at the reasons behind it.  At any rate, he’d taken to keeping a casual eye on the doors to her quarters from his position at his duty station, just in case she needed some sort of … assistance.  She’d entered her cabin within a half hour of their return to the ship and not exited since.  For the past seven hours, she’d been closed up inside.  He knew it was possible that she’d decided to rest - it had been a strenuous mission, after all - or maybe she was having difficulty putting into words what they’d found.  After all, it wasn’t every day that you realize a whole unit of Alliance marines was deliberately led into a trap meant to kill them all.  Then again, he and he alone had seen the look on her face when that thresher maw had attacked ….

Kaidan was just going off duty, debating about hanging around a while longer with a cup of coffee on the off chance of seeing her, of making sure she was alright, when he heard the doors opening and saw Shepard exiting her quarters.  “Commander,” he called out in greeting, though he noted the dazed and somewhat rough look in her eyes at the time.  Hollow, almost.  Haunted, even.  So much for the idea that she might have gotten some rest.

She turned and found him, but the recognition wasn’t instant.  “Kaidan.”  Her voice was low, barely audible when she did speak, but he heard her.  

Crossing over to her, he offered quietly, “I was heading off duty and about to get a cup of coffee.  Would you like to join me?”  

Her hands seemed to jerk suddenly, catching his attention and drawing his eyes down.  Tremors, so small he barely noticed them, moving along her hands.  “Um … make it tea, and I will,” she replied.  Was that a tremor in her voice too? he wondered.  

Offering her a smile, he led her over to the galley.  They stood together in silence while he worked, waving her off when she moved to help.  “I’ve got this,” he told her quietly.  A short time later, they both took seats at the large table, the silence of the rest of the ship closing around them.  He spoke quietly of small things.  Casual things.  Updates on the status of the crew, of Joker’s latest ETA for the Citadel, of Ashley’s and Garrus’ latest thoughts on some of the newer mods Shepard had purchased for squad use the last time they’d docked.  He watched as Shepard nodded, but otherwise kept silent.  It was her hands, though, that told the real story.  Shepard had them cradled around her mug, both in use when taking a drink of her tea.  However, to Kaidan, it seemed as if she was expending considerable energy just to make things look … normal.  “Commander?”

She lifted her eyes to meet his and Kaidan saw a wariness there, in the depths of blue.  She also seemed to have moved into a sort of unnatural stillness, as if she expected him to ... attack her in some way.  “Yes?”

Kaidan set his mug to the side, folding his hands together on the table in front of him as he leaned just a little more towards her.  “Are you alright, ma’am?”  

There was the briefest of hesitations, but he caught it.  Just enough to let him know she knew full well what he was suggesting.  The fact that she didn’t verbally jump on him for calling her ‘ma’am’ was also telling.  “Shouldn’t I be?”  A tiny spark lit in her eyes then, he noticed.  Just a hint of the stubbornness she was famed for, but the flare did not catch hold.

Kaidan chanced a soft chuckle hoping to fan that spark.  “Well, we did just face down a thresher maw a few hours ago,” he reminded her.  “That would be enough to unsettle any recruit I’d think.”

The weight of the silence suddenly doubled.  “I -”  She started to speak, but her voice cracked almost instantly.

Kaidan saw her eyes lower, dropping to stare at her hands in front of her.  Reaching out, he took a chance and rested a hand on her arm.  “Hey, Shepard,” he murmured, “it’s okay.”

He felt a sort of rippling beneath her sleeve, but she didn’t pull away from him.  In fact, where he thought she might just turn on him, anger or ire at him acting in such a presumptuous manner taking the forefront, he instead found her taking a deep breath, as if surfacing after having been submerged for a very long time.  When her eyes lifted again, he could see much more depth to the pain there, but there was something else, too.  “No, it isn’t,” she admitted softly before drawing in another, tight breath.  “Not since … Akuze ….”

Kaidan nodded, his hand dropping to the table between them.  It was no wonder that the incident on Edolus had brought that back up.  Nothing like having your Mako flipped by one of those god forsaken beasts, your life flashing before your eyes, to shake your world.  To then find the remains of a lost marine unit on top of that, one decimated by the same beast, one in an eerily similar setup as to your own experience … was it any wonder?  

Turning over his hand and laying it palm side up, Kaidan left it open for her to take if she wished.  Either way, he hoped if nothing else it informed her that he was there in support if she felt she needed it.  “I’m so sorry,” he told her quietly.  What else could he say?   

Her eyes closed, but her voice was mostly steady as she spoke.  “I can still see their faces,” she told him.  “Toombs … Sakai … Nichols … Eriksen.”  Her voice broke just for a moment, until she managed, “Commander Gage.”  Her shoulders shook a bit as she shuddered.  “It was all my fault ….”

“Pardon me, ma’am, but from what I heard about it,” Kaidan pointed out gently, “there was no way to know what was there.  We’d never even come up against maws before then.  The fact that you survived with no prior knowledge of how to defend against them is a miracle in itself.”

Her eyes opened again and met his, and though the pain was still there, Kaidan thought he could see something else, too.  “Maybe ….”  

A pressure on his hand had Kaidan glancing down to see her fingers reaching out just slightly enough to touch his own.  Offering a smile of reassurance, he scooted his hand just a little closer, not enough to frighten her away but rather to remind her that she wasn’t alone.  “We all have instances in our past that define us,” he assured her.  “I’m sure what we went through on Edolus today was a shock, but you survived, just like you did on Akuze.  None of your team was lost.  What happened to Admiral Kahoku’s men was unfortunate, but it wasn’t your fault.  That transmitter was set by someone else.  The blame lies entirely with them.”  

She blinked a few times, visibly straightening, shoulders pulling back, spine stiffening.  Kaidan could almost see her resolve strengthening.  Though she took a drink from her tea, he noted that she kept her fingers tangled with his on the table top.  “Thank you,” she told him a moment later, a hint of peace settling about her.  “I … should probably go and write that report now.”

“I can do that for you if you like?” he offered.  

He wasn’t surprised when she shook her head.  “No.  You’re right … it wasn’t my fault.  We did survive.  Now I need to let the Admiral know what happened to his men.  That’s _my_ responsibility in all of this.”  Rising, she finally pulled her hand free of his.  “Thanks for the reminder, Kaidan.”

As she turned and walked back towards her cabin, Kaidan allowed his eyes to follow.  She was definitely a remarkable person in his book.  Both weak and strong, not afraid to admit her failings, not afraid to ask for advice or take it when offered, not afraid to learn from experience.  Scuttlebutt be damned, he decided.  He preferred this version of the Commander he was getting to know.

* * *

 

Her earlier concerns with Ashley’s views on aliens serving aboard an Alliance vessel now gone, Shepard had to admit that she was damned glad to have the Chief along as part of her team.  Over time, getting to know the younger woman and learning a bit more of her personal history, Shepard also began to get a much better read on the situation on a multitude of levels, not the least of which was an almost irrational level of outrage Shepard felt personally for what Williams had been facing throughout her career; all because of the actions of the younger woman’s grandfather during the First Contact War.  But there was little that Shepard could do that hadn’t already been done.  Anderson had brought Williams aboard ship, giving the Chief a chance.  Serving with her in combat on numerous occasions, Shepard intended to make sure that the blacklisting didn’t continue when this tour ended.  Assuming, that was, that Shepard even _let_ her leave the _Normandy_ crew when this tour was done.  Shepard was finding that she was more than content with her current crew.  Come what may with the Council or the Alliance, they were going to have to fight her, face to face, if they ever intended to break up the _Normandy_ crew, because it would be over Shepard’s cold, dead body that it would have to happen.

Garrus was another with whom Shepard was beginning to feel close. All beginning during a late night gabfest with Williams down on the engineering deck.  Shepard had stopped by to speak with the Chief, searching for a new mod for her sniper rifle.  The discussion started as one focused on the pros and cons of varying models of rifles, but soon evolved into something more.  At first, Shepard hadn’t even realized that Garrus was still working on the Mako ….

-=O=-

_Shepard chuckled as Williams finished her comments on the Volkov rifles.  “I won’t argue with you there, Chief,” she admitted, hand reaching out to lovingly stroke the butt of the rifle that Williams was working on, HER rifle, “though, I’ve got my eye on a pretty little number I saw on the Citadel last time we were there.”_

_“Oh?”  Shepard almost laughed aloud as it seemed Williams’ ears literally perked up at that comment.  “Which one, Skipper?”_

_Shepard grinned.  “Sorry, Chief,” she teased lightly.  “Spectre access only.  Saving up every credit I can to get it, too.  I just hope it’s worth the cost!”_

_“If it’s the one I’m thinking of, Commander,” Garrus’ voice rang out from across the bay, “then it will be.”_

_Startled, Shepard turned to face him, arms folded across her chest as she leaned a hip back against Williams’ work table.  “That so, Vakarian?” she mused neutrally.  “And you would know this … how?  Last time I checked, C-Sec didn’ t have access to Spectre requisitions.”_

_It took a moment, but Garrus finally peeked his head out of the open door of the Mako.  “Heh.  Yeah.  Well, I knew someone who knew someone.  Got to test one a couple of years ago,” Garrus explained.  “Unmodded, ‘right out of the box,’ as you humans like to say.”_

_Shepard felt her breath catch in her chest and the almost unstoppable urge to drool merely at the thought.  “Seriously?” she breathed.  “You’re not just pulling my leg?”  The blank look on Garrus’ face set Ashley, standing beside Shepard, off into a fit of giggles.  After elbowing the Chief in the ribs, Shepard clarified, “You aren’t lying, are you?”  Her eyes narrowed.  “‘Cause … you know I now have access to ways that I can make you talk,” she concluded with a wink.  At least he would know what that meant, even if he was still learning human idiomatic expressions._

_“Hah!” Williams chortled.  “As if you didn’t before!”_

_Shepard scowled over at the Chief.  “Hush, you!”_

_Garrus chuckled as he exited the vehicle and walked over to join them.  He cast a quick eye at Shepard’s current rifle that Williams was working on and reached around the Chief, pulling a mod within the woman’s reach.  “Try that,” he suggested.  “Then maybe next time I won’t nearly get my fringe shot off when we’re in the heat of battle.”_

_Shepard’s scowl darkened.  “Hey!  YOU were the one who moved in front of my line of fire, Vakarian,” she warned.  “That wasn’t my fault!”_

_Still chuckling, Garrus reached for a second mod and nudged it next to Williams’ hand.  Shepard was in position well enough to recognize the kinetic stabilizer easily.  “Not funny, Vakarian,” she warned._

_“A little stabilization never hurt anyone, Commander,” he reminded her as he faced her once again._

_“My balance is just fine,” Shepard protested.  “What was your count last time we went out?”_

_“Citadel doesn’t count, Shepard.”_

_She rolled her eyes.  “Fine.  From here on out, I want you keeping track.  Bonus for taking them down with headshots.”  Pushing herself away from the table, Shepard turned to leave.  She nodded towards the Chief to install the mods.  “Just make sure he’s got the same mods on his weapon,” she added.  Shepard heard the turian sigh in resignation, but she did note as she turned away that there was a distinctive gleam of competitiveness in his blue eyes._  

-=O=-

Wrex proved to be a bit more difficult to get to know.  However, once the testy krogan did begin to open up more - a side effect of Shepard managing to help find and retrieve his family armor, she supposed - it became a hell of a lot easier to get him to talk about himself.  It was understandable.  After all, had she had an opportunity to go back and retrieve something, _any_ thing, that had belonged to her family on Mindoir since the attack, it might have eased her mind a bit too, maybe helped her to a point where she could openly discuss it with others.  But that hadn’t been an option for her.  But Wrex?  Well, Wrex _did_ have a few interesting tales to tell, especially when a drink or two became incentive.

Tali had some stories too, though Shepard could admit that understanding quarian culture was a bit more … complex than she’d expected.  However, once Shepard found that Tali was suffering from a bout of homesickness, she made every effort to drop by the engineering section more frequently to visit.  Even if it meant having to manufacture a reason for showing up at unexpected times.  Her ship, her rules, right?  Adams seemed to catch on pretty quickly though, if Shepard had to guess.  After her first few visits, his immediate response of, “Commander!  I was hoping you’d stop by for a minute,” was more than enough recognition of and approval for what she was doing.  

Liara was something completely different.  Shepard would willingly admit that the asari intrigued her, and it was for more than just her views on the Protheans.  There were some awkward moments at first, particularly once Shepard realized that the asari had more than just a passing admiration for the Commander, but once things were out in the open between them, once they’d been discussed and resolved, both Liara and Shepard were able to put it behind them and move forward, and in response, Shepard found a kindred soul in the asari.  Another lover of books, music, interest in history and cultural aspects to various civilizations.  Many an evening between them was shared sitting in the mess hall with cups of tea and lively discussion.  The true test and cementing of their friendship came after Noveria, when it was Shepard who approached her friend, sharing in her grief at the loss of a beloved mother, anger at betrayal caused by another, and the offer of a sympathetic ear to listen and a strong shoulder upon which to lean for a short time.

Then there was Kaidan.  Shepard couldn’t really explain why she hadn’t felt surprise upon finding the familiar face upon her arrival aboard the _Normandy_.  Something about seeing him had just felt … right.  Though they hadn’t gotten to know each other that well all those years before, the fact that they _did_ know each other (sort of) had helped them both past the initial awkward phase in any new relationship.  In addition, Shepard quickly came to admire his professionalism among the crew, his expertise with various items of tech which then also led to some interesting discussions between them, but among all other things she found her curiosity intrigued by him.  

It confused her at first.  Ever since Mindoir, Shepard had figured out a way to keep most people at bay; for their safety as well as her own.  There were a few exceptions: notably Anderson, Mikhail and Katryn, and Coats, but even they didn’t get past certain walls Shepard had set into place when she was sixteen.  Kaidan, she was discovering, was well beyond those walls, deeper inside than any other in years … and she could find no reason to explain why this wasn’t a bad thing.  

With each mission, every debrief and follow up report, even with passing comments on board ship, Shepard discovered that Kaidan had eased his way into her life in such a way that it was beginning to feel … normal.  Like he _belonged_ there.  That she didn’t find that alarming on a number of levels was both a relief and concerning at the same time.  There were times he almost seemed to read her mind ….

-=O=-

_“Commander?  Is everything alright?”_

_Pulled from her concerns, Shepard glanced up to see that she’d somehow crossed the mess halfway and was standing in the center of the room, staring off blankly into the emptiness beyond.  “Sorry, Lieutenant,” she murmured, turning to face him.  “Did you need something?”_

_Kaidan smiled.  “Just making sure you were okay, ma’am.  Corporal Reynolds walked by a moment ago and called out a greeting to you, but you didn’t respond.”_

_Shepard felt her cheeks heat, her hands rising to press to them in reaction.  “Sorry.  I was just … thinking.”  It was a lame excuse, but accurate enough for the moment._

_Kaidan moved around his duty station so that they could speak face to face.  “How’s Liara doing?” he asked._

_Shepard sighed.  He had been with her and Liara on Noveria when Matriarch Benezia had been defeated.  “As well as can be expected for someone who just had to take part in the death of their mother, I suppose,” she replied quietly.  Shepard shivered uncontrollably then, the lingering effects of her discussions with Liara, the events on Noveria and the coolness of the ship finally seeping in, chilling her to the bone.  Kaidan’s look of concern - or was it confusion? - had her assuring him, “I’m fine.  Just cold.”_

_“I … I can adjust the environmental controls for you, ma’am,” he offered quickly._

_Shepard chuckled.  “No need.  I was headed to my cabin anyway.  I’ve got a sweater in there I can wear for a while.  Until I’m warm again, anyway.”  Her lips curved into a smile of appreciation at his offer._

_“Are you sure?” he asked.  “I mean, if you’re on duty, I could -”_

_Shepard’s smile widened.  “I have to write up a report on Noveria for the Council still,” she pointed out._

_“Yes, ma’am.”_

_Shepard turned to move past him, but she paused after only one step.  Half turning back to face him, she said quietly, “If you would be willing … I’ll meet you for a cup of tea later?”_

_“Assuming you’re still cold,” he amended, though there was a pleased smile at his lips._

_Shepard laughed outright.  “Kaidan, if there’s one thing you need to learn about me and tea, it’s that there’s no bad time for it!” she teased.  She glanced at her omni-tool.  “Give me an hour and a half to write the report up.”_

_Kaidan nodded.  “Yes, ma’am.”_


	13. Sing For The Laughter

Shepard rose from her desk and began pacing the cabin.  She had a report to write.  Admiral Hackett needed to know the status of the colony on Terra Nova; the Council needed to know what the batarians were up to.  But focus right now was difficult to come by.  She was, perhaps, more rattled by the presence of the batarians than she cared to admit.

Pausing mid-stride, Shepard stared across the room in the general direction of the flickering status board, though her eyes were unfocused as the memories began to flow.

-=O=-

_She’d lost count how long she’d been up that tree.  It was dark, so another night cycle had come, but the enemy was still out there, just beyond her line of sight.  She’d taken to making notches on her father’s rifle every time she took one down.  At least, beyond the first ten or so.  That early on, her head hadn’t been very clear; she’d been more interested in retaliation than anything.  But now …._

_The rustling that caught her ear was more than just the wind jostling branches of the tree.  That much was clear.  Silently, quietly, she lifted the rifle to her shoulder and used the scope to search through the darkness below.  Though not modified specifically for nighttime shooting, her hearing was excellent and she could make a good guess as to where they were …. There.  Through the scope she could barely make out the outline of the batarian’s face, but it was enough to bring it into focus.  She felt her gut churn as she identified the center of his head, lined her shot up to split right between those four eyes.  Swallowing back instant hatred and disgust that mixed with the bile in her stomach, she tried to calm her suddenly unsteady breathing._

_“Patience …,” the voice inside of her head reminded her.  “Do not let emotion guide your hand.”_

_She heeded the call, waiting until the batarian was a few steps closer, well within her range.  Only then did she take the shot, a small smile of satisfaction curving at her lips as he fell to the ground without a cry, without a sound.  As she reloaded her weapon, she observed silently that if she never saw another batarian again as long as she lived it would be too soon …._

-=O=-

 

Eyes shut, Shepard shuddered, swallowing convulsively to keep the contents of her stomach inside.  

_She’d let Balak go free …._

It was easy to look back now, to curse herself for the decision she’d made, now that the mission was over.  What was the old saying she’d heard after Mindoir?  “The only good batarian is a dead batarian?”  It had been an old adage that she’d been quite content to live with through the years, especially after what they’d done on Mindoir.  Not that Shepard had actively sought them out or anything.  By the time she’d joined up with the Alliance, most of her anger over the attack had evolved into a steadfast resoluteness that she would never allow something like that to happen ever again.  Despite her actions immediately following the attack - actions that her brain classified as ‘self defense’ rather than cold blooded murder, if only to allow her to sleep at night - Shepard knew deep inside that she was not a murderer.  Her goal was not to go and hunt down every single batarian and make them all pay for destroying her childhood.  Over the years since, she had occasionally come into contact or conflict with some of them, but she’d been able to keep her cool.  Common sense had prevailed; yet another indication that she could separate her personal feelings from the mission at hand.

Yet, today’s mission … that had been something else.  The vague parallels to the attack on Mindoir had not slipped past her.  But the decision to allow Balak to depart, no consequences for any of his actions - that had been solely up to her.  As she’d told Simon Atwell at the time, she’d be able to hunt Balak down now, she would make sure his name and his face and everything about what he’d done on that asteroid was well known, that the Council would be made aware.  In the long run, he would pay and in the meantime, the innocents would survive ….

But guilt still ate away at her.  She’d allowed him to leave in order to save the scientists.  Logically, ethically, it had been the right decision.  There was no doubt in her mind about that.  A couple of dozen innocent lives had been saved.  What concerned her now, what was trying to eat away at her in the aftermath, was the fact that no one was in custody to pay for the lives that had been taken.  Just like on Mindoir.

And it was all because of her decision.   _She_ was going to have to live with the consequences of her actions.

A loud knock at the door to the cabin startled Shepard out of her thoughts with a gasp.  “Enter,” she called out, hand automatically rising to brush away any signs of earlier distress from her face.  

“Hey, Skipper!”

Shepard sighed softly, a hint of a smile at her lips as Williams entered the room, followed close behind by Liara and Tali.  Turning, arms folded across her chest, Shepard affected a lighter-hearted mood and asked, “Well now, what’s all this?”

“You said we were entitled to some downtime once we hit the Citadel, right?” Williams pointed out.

Shepard nodded.  That announcement had come within ten minutes of returning to the ship after the mission.  “I did.”

“And scuttlebutt has it that _Flux_ is about to be taken over by the _Normandy_ crew.”

Shepard bit back a smirk.   _How did you manage that so quickly?_ she wondered, though she’d seen Williams’ organizational skills in action before.  It really came as no surprise.  “This is true,” she agreed.  

Ashley glanced over at Tali and Liara who both nodded enthusiastically.  “Well … Joker says we’re about an hour out from docking.  We,” her arm swept out to include her to compatriots, “decided it was time to get you ready.  Ma’am.”

Shepard arched an eyebrow as she eyed Williams.  “Been at the drinks already, Chief?” she teased.  She _had_ granted the crew a bit of downtime after that last mission.  They’d been out and about for a while now, their last port of call before then had been Feros.  Before Terra Nova.  Before the half dozen other systems they’d been through to trying to track down information on Saren and his geth.  After this last mission, Shepard had put in for a stop at the Citadel; a couple of days leave if they could time it right to refuel, restock and have some time to just let off some steam before heading back out to the hunt.    

Liara and Tali both giggled - _giggled?!_ \- and Williams smirked.  “Of course not, ma’am!” the Chief retorted, over dramatizing her scandalized look.  “Nothing stronger than Pressly’s coffee, anyway.”

Shepard snorted indelicately, nearly bending over at the waist.  “That’ll do it,” she agreed.

“C’mon, Skipper … this is as much for you as it is us!  You can’t missing out on the fun!” Williams insisted.

Though she was warmed by the sentiment, Shepard shook her head.  “I have a report to finish and once we arrive, my presence has been requested elsewhere,” she told them.  “You’ll be on your own for this one.”

Ashley scoffed.  “Pfft.  Reports can wait until later.  Besides, if you’re not done with it by now, you’re having trouble with it.  Am I right?” Williams challenged.

Shepard’s eyes narrowed.  “Chief, that’s beside the point -”

“Please, Commander?” Liara asked, her voice soft and sounding incredibly young just then.  “Chief Williams is correct - this is as much for you as it is the rest of the crew.  Even you should take a break now and then.”

Rolling her eyes, Shepard’s arms dropped to her sides.  “Sorry, Chief.  Orders are orders.”  Liara and Tali seemed to almost deflate with her announcement.  Even Williams suddenly seemed less enthused than a moment before.  

“What about after your meeting?” Williams countered.  “Join us then.”  She winked over at Tali and  Liara and added, “You’ll need a way to let off steam afterwards, like as not.”

Shepard couldn’t refrain from rolling her eyes again.   _Truth was truth._  “Alright, alright,” she murmured. Tali and Liara both seemed to suddenly inflate before her very eyes at this.  “Look … no promises, okay?  I’ll _try_ to be there.  It all depends how this meeting ends up.”

Williams chuckled while raising an arm in salute.  “Yes, ma’am!” she replied before turning to shuttle the others out so they could depart.   

An hour later, Shepard met up with the bulk of the crew as they departed the _Normandy_ and boarded the Citadel.  It was only then, as she walked by them, all dressed in civvies while Shepard remained in uniform, that the official nature of her ‘meeting’ became clear to everyone else.  First Kaidan and then Ashley and even Garrus and Liara offered to forego their evening’s entertainment to accompany her, but Shepard waved them off.  “You all go,” she insisted with a friendly smile.  “You’ve earned the break.  If I can, I’ll show up later.”

* * *

Kaidan watched Shepard turn away from them and head towards the elevator alone.  Behind him, he overheard Williams mutter something and though the words were unclear, her tone was not.  While their group took the next elevator down, Kaidan murmured to her, “You and the others go on ahead.”

That seemed to startle the woman, he noted, the look in her eyes one of disbelief.  A moment later, she added with the beginnings of a smile, “You’re going after her.  Aren’t you?”

Kaidan offered a half hearted shrug as a reply.  “Someone has to have her six, right?” he countered as they stepped off the elevator.

Ashley scowled then.  “But … you’re unarmed, LT,” she felt obliged to point out, especially considering the nature of some of the Commander’s previous ‘meetings’ aboard the Citadel.  Not every one of them was held in a boardroom.  “Don’t you think -”

Before turning to make his way to the transport station, Kaidan lifted his right hand and allowed it to flare just a bit, the merest hint of blue aura surrounding the skin.  “Never completely unarmed, Chief,” he reminded her easily.  “Besides, I have a pretty good idea where she might be headed.  Not likely she’ll need an armed backup.”   _Unless the Council starts attacking …._

After seeing the group off to _Flux_ , Kaidan requested his own mode of transportation and headed off towards the Presidium.  Dressed as he was - slacks, nice shirt, unarmed - and not in the presence of the Commander herself, he just hoped he would still be able to get where he needed to go.  There were galleries for civilians, assuming that the Council session was open to the public, of course.  And if he was limited to the galleries, it would at least give him a chance to keep an eye on her.  As he’d told Williams, he doubted Shepard would require his gun just then … but if necessary and if he found a good position, he would be able to use his biotics.

Thankfully, the galleries were open and he was just working his way inside, nodding polite greetings to the mixture of human, asari, turian, salarian and various other races present, when he heard Shepard’s name called in summons.  Excusing his way through the crowd, he stepped over to the rail and oriented himself to discover that he was to her left and slightly behind her position.  She wouldn’t even know he was present unless he had reason to become more actively involved.  Good.  One thing that did concern him, however, was that she was standing there … alone.  No Ambassador Udina.  No Captain Anderson.  No support whatsoever.  Whatever reason that had required her presence so urgently, it was quite obvious that they expected Spectre Shepard to defend herself.  

Kaidan soon found out why.  Though he had not known of it, apparently she had broken communications with the Council after their mission on Noveria.  After Feros, she hadn’t even bothered to contact them at all.  The Council had brought her in to account for her actions in both of those locations, and more.  But Shepard, Kaidan noted, stood firm.  

“When you chose me as a Spectre, you told me I would be allowed to do things in my own way,” she countered reasonably.  

“The death of an asari matriarch -” the salarian began.

“A death she brought upon herself after attacking my team,” Shepard countered immediately.  “One that she begged of us, after pulling herself free from Saren’s mind control for a few moments.  Councilors, she _requested_ that we end it for her.  She knew that the indoctrination was too strong, that it would return.  She knew that it would force her to act as Saren ordered.  She admitted that she _had_ already done so.”  Shepard shrugged her shoulders.  “The choice was hers to make.  We simply fulfilled her request.”

“What about releasing the rachni?” the turian demanded.  

Though he couldn’t see her face, Kaidan suspected her eyes narrowed severely.  “The rachni will be of no further trouble.  It was the right thing to do,” she insisted.  Though Kaidan couldn’t say he necessarily agreed with that, the choice had not been his, nor was he the one having to answer for it.  However, her decision had been made with conviction, and he had no doubts that he would back her if required, no matter his own personal feelings.

The turian was not content to have her shoot down his arguments, though.  “And is that your justification for what you did to the Thorian on Feros?” he asked.  “You had to destroy that as well?”  Kaidan could hear the crowd, small as it was for this time of evening, murmuring around him.

Before Shepard could answer, the asari councilor raised her hand to quiet things down.  “Commander, the purpose of this meeting is not to question your decisions,” she announced while giving her companions a stony faced look, first the turian and then the salarian, “as much as we are trying to understand your methods.  You are a symbol of Council justice.  We need to know that you will -”

Kaidan thought he could hear Shepard’s sigh all the way up at his level.  “From where I stand, councilors, and with all due respect, you _are_ questioning my decisions.  If you had not thought I could do the job, you would not have considered me as a Spectre in the first place.”

“Commander -”

Shepard’s hand rose and Kaidan was surprised that the councilors actually went silent.  “You have tasked me with a mission that is turning out to be something on a much grander scale than I think even you realize,” she told them, her voice cold with conviction.  “If you wish that objective to be obtained, then do not hamper me or question my techniques.”

There was a long moment’s hesitation in which the entire chamber was effectively silenced.  Finally, it was the asari councilor who broke it - one who, Kaidan had noted on previous occasions, appeared to be the voice of moderation upon the Council.  “Commander Shepard.  Of course you have our full support in your current mission.  There is no question in that regard.”  

Kaidan noted the turian councilor turning his face away as the asari spoke and had to wonder if he agreed with her comments, or had simply been outvoted.

“To that end, we have additional information that might prove valuable for your search,” the asari councilor continued.  As she pressed a button on her console, Kaidan saw that Shepard lifted her omni-tool to look at something there, presumably the information.  “All of the details we have available have been transmitted to you.  Should you have any questions, we can speak further at a later time.”

He watched Shepard’s head bob in agreement.  “Thank you.”

“If there is nothing further then?”  The asari glanced at both of her companions who shook their heads.  “This session is now adjourned.”

Only then did Kaidan retreat from his position and descend to the lower level.  

* * *

The trip back to the _Normandy_ was silent, but left plenty of time for Shepard to replay the scene over and over inside her head.  By the time she was boarding the ship, she could feel the urge to scream out in anger and frustration nearly overwhelming her.  As she strode through the ship, descending through the CIC and heading towards her cabin, Shepard tore at the collar of her dress blues, yanking buttons free, suddenly feeling overly constricted around her throat and desperate for more air.  

As she walked through the mess hall, the unexpected silence had her puzzled for a moment … until she remembered Williams’ suggestion to join the crew at _Flux._  The invitation was tempting, Shepard could admit to that as she threw her jacket across the room to land on one of the chairs.  But she certainly was not in the mood for company at the moment, and the idea of loud music blaring around her made her head throb with an imagined musical beat.  

An unexpected knock at her cabin door had Shepard glancing in that direction in surprise.  There were crew members left aboard - a skeleton crew remained on watch duty at all times - and it was not outside the realm of possibility that one of them might need her input on something.  “Enter,” she called out while reaching up to pull the pins from her hair, allowing the thick, heavy curtain of coal black curls to fall to her waist.  

She had just begun running her fingers through the mass, shaking it free from the military regulation twist when she heard a hesitant voice say, “I’m sorry to interrupt, Commander.  I can come back another time.”

Glancing up and over, Shepard knew surprise must be in her eyes.  “Kaidan?  Didn’t I see you leaving with the others earlier?”  She gestured him inside if he so chose.

He did after a brief moment.  Stepping through the doorway, the doors closed behind him with a soft whoosh.  “Yes, ma’am,” he admitted.  “Though, you had us a bit worried and we decided you needed back up ….”

Shepard blinked.  “Back up?  Wait.  You mean … you were there?” she asked.  She saw him nod and felt the blood beginning to drain from her face.  “At the Tower?”  He nodded again.  Groaning, Shepard dropped to the edge of her bed, leaning forward and covering her face with her hands.  “Lovely,” she muttered.

Kaidan moved further into the room.  “Commander … Shepard,” he corrected himself when he saw the frustration that crossed her features as she looked up at him, “you did just fine.”

Shepard snorted.  “I was called to task,” she pointed out.  “That’s hardly ‘fine.’”

“I thought you did pretty damned well for someone having to face them on your own like that,” he offered.

“I’m a Spectre,” she pointed out.  “Not directly responsible to anyone but the Council.  There was no reason for Udina or Anderson to be there.”

“Well, you did an exceptional job,” Kaidan reaffirmed.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen the turian councilor so frustrated as he was when you cut him off like that.”

Shepard felt a smirk pull at her lips.   _Point._  “Yeah … he did seem a bit … put out, didn’t he?” she returned, the hint of a laugh behind her voice.  Rising to her feet, she turned to face him.  “Okay … so if you were there that means you weren’t enjoying leave.”

Kaidan flashed her a grin.  “I could argue that to the contrary,” he told her.  “I was rather enjoying watching you take on the Council on your own.”

This time, Shepard chuckled.  “Alright, I’ll grant you that, too,” she agreed.  “However, I suspect that if I don’t make an appearance at this shin-dig at _Flux_ , Williams will have my ass next, and I suspect she’d be able to hand it back to me on a platter much more decisively than the Council.”

Shepard found her eyes drifting up to meet his.  “So then.  Care to be my ‘escort’?  I’ll even let you tell the others you had to drag me there.  Your reputation will triple in size,” she teased with a smile.

* * *

 

Kaidan couldn’t hold back a grin.  “I would be honored, Shepard,” he agreed.  “I’ll be up -”

“Oh, don’t,” she told him, her hand reaching out to touch his arm and gently signal him to stay.  “I’ll just grab a sweater to wear over this.  That’s about as close to civilian as I can get at the moment.”   _This_ happened to be a black turtleneck she’d apparently worn beneath her dress jacket and her dress blue slacks.  

He watched her cross the room to retrieve the sweater, chuckling softly to himself.  Her penchant for always being cold was common knowledge now among the crew.  It was half the reason there was always a hot cup of tea ready for her whenever she came on duty anymore, too.  Everyone had learned how she liked it and had something prepared for her to make things easier.  The saying below deck was, “A cold Shepard is a cranky Shepard.”  Kaidan hadn’t actually seen her ‘cranky’ by any means, but then again, he’d not missed preparing her tea for her either.

His thoughts taking an unexpected turn, it was a moment before he turned and found her pulling a sweater over her head.  The snap and crackle of static electricity as the woolen fibers slid over her hair, her hands moving to pull the heavy mass free once the sweater was completely on caught his attention.  Afterwards, she pulled the weight over a shoulder and reached for an elastic band off of the desktop beside her.  Never before had he seen hands move so deftly, quickly and unerringly as they formed a loose braid to hang down over her shoulder, and then tie it off with just a few simple twists of the elastic.  He realized as he blinked back what he was certain must be astonishment on his face that she was laughing softly at his reaction.

“No sisters?” she asked.

Feeling heat reach his cheeks, he shook his head.  “Nope.  Just me.  And before you ask,” he added with a smile, “no.  Dad was a marine.  I wasn’t ever allowed to let my hair reach below my collar.”

Shepard grinned as she fiddled to adjust the sleeves of her sweater.  “Alright, I think I’m good to go.”

It was as she turned towards the doorway and stepped into better lighting that a sense of deja-vu hit him.  Hearing himself inhale sharply, Kaidan felt his vision swim for just a moment, even heard her call out his name in concern, her hand reaching out to touch his arm, but he shook his head.  “I’m okay,” he assured her, though he felt he was in a daze.  “It’s just … I’d always wondered where that sweater had disappeared to ….”

Shepard, in the process of pulling her hand back, froze, her eyes darting up to meet his and widening in shock at his words.  “‘Disappeared to?’” she echoed breathlessly.

Kaidan nodded slowly.  “Mom made it for me the winter before I was sent off to Brain Camp,” he explained.  “I think I got to wear it once, maybe twice before I left.”  Reaching out, he ran a finger along a nearly invisible mended area at the hip.  “It caught on something in the kitchen one night and it came unraveled.  I thought it was a lost cause, but mom had it fixed back up for me by the next morning ….”

Shepard swallowed tightly, felt blood draining from her face.  “Kaidan,” she stammered, “… you … I ….”  

As their eyes held one another’s, Kaidan realized what he’d just said.  “Shit,” he breathed.  Hand dropping into his pocket, he fished out the well worn piece of paper he always carried with him.  “You … you’re their Serafina … aren’t you?”

Shepard nodded after a moment.  She opened her mouth to speak, uncertain just what to say, when she felt his hand take hers and place something in it.  Glancing down, she found the paper.  Without intention or thought, she unfolded it and began reading.  “Oh my God!” she gasped as her eyes reread the words she’d written to him so long ago.  “That was you!”

“I missed you by days,” Kaidan murmured softly.  “I never had a chance to thank you for what you did.”

Her eyes lifted to find his again.  “ _Cherish your family,_ ” she whispered, echoing the words in the message.

He nodded.  As gently as he could, he observed, “You were the only survivor from Mindoir.”  

Shepard nodded.  “The … the Alliance hid that fact.  To keep me safe from the batarians, Anderson placed me with friends of his …,” she told him.  “It’s never come out before.”

There was a long moment of thought filled silence before Kaidan added quietly, “But then my actions back then put you into more danger.”

“No!” Shepard insisted, her eyes hardening as she stared up at him.  “No.  If anything, it helped me find my way.  My future.”  She gestured around them.  “I would never have chosen to go Alliance if it hadn’t been for what happened at the Orchard.”  That might be an oversimplification of the facts, she realized, but not by much.  

For a couple of minutes, they simply stood there, looking at one another.  Finally, Shepard folded the slip of paper and handed it back to him, which he took and placed back into his pocket.  After another minute or two, Kaidan finally shook himself free from the shock and suggested, “We’d probably better get going before Williams sends someone after us.”

Shepard nodded, but did not move right away.  “Kaidan …?”

He heard a question in her tone and turned to face her.  “I will not say a word,” he promised.  

Shepard smiled and shook her head.  “No, that’s not … I was going to ….”  Sighing, she reached out to touch his hand.  “I was going to say, if you ever want to talk about what happened before ….  BAaT or after ….”

Kaidan rotated his hand so he could take hers in his and squeeze gently.  “Same goes for you,” he replied.

Shepard nodded, blowing a sharp, soft breath out between her lips.  “Okay … good.”

It was as they stepped onto the docks and were waiting on the elevator to come and take them down to the main part of the Citadel that things finally began to settle around them, between them.  “You know,” Kaidan told her with a small smile and a quick wink, “I think that sweater looks a hell of a lot better on you than it ever did on me.”

Shepard laughed softly, but she managed a smile before glancing down at the garment.  “Oh yeah?  How do you figure that?”

Pulling at the sleeve, he explained, “It matches the color of your eyes.”

* * *

 

They arrived at _Flux_ in due course and as had been arranged with Doran ahead of time, found the place limited to crew from the _Normandy_.  The dancefloor was packed as they walked by, and Shepard saw that there were several people standing over at the bar, but what she found most amusing was to find Wrex brushing past them, lumbering up the stairs while glowering and muttering to himself beneath his breath about how no pyjack-infested game was going to get the better of _him_ and that he would earn back all of his credits before the night was out.  Shepard glanced over at Kaidan who grinned back at her as they moved further into the club and headed over to the bar to get themselves a drink.

Doran was filling their drink order when Shepard heard Williams shout, “Oooo, there’s the Commander!  Now it’s time to _really_ get this party started!”

Shepard spared Kaidan a quick glance.  “Should I be worried?” she asked.

A moment later, just as Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, Ashley, Liara and Tali showed up, grabbed her arm and began tugging her across the room.  “Maybe?” he called after her with a soft chuckle at their enthusiasm which evolved into full blown laughter when Shepard’s response was to stick her tongue out at him.

Shepard wound up over near the dance floor with the others.  “Um, this might not be the best decision,” she murmured in warning to Williams as they stepped onto the dance floor.

“Pfft!” the Chief responded.  “Besides, we’re not dancing right now.”

Shepard glanced around the group.  She spotted Joker nearby, Pressly, Dr. Chakwas, Garrus, a handful of crew members from the engineering department and a few more from the CIC in addition to herself, Williams, Liara and Tali.  “Then what are we -”

Her words were cut off as the speakers suddenly squealed.  Garrus reached over and made a couple of fine tuning adjustments to the equipment, but it was Joker and one of the specialists from the CIC that started it all.  Singing.  They wanted her to do karaoke.  

A moment later, Shepard felt a soft nudge of her arm and turned.  Kaidan stood there, handing over her drink.  Taking it, Shepard tossed half of it back in one gulp, deciding she would need the fortification.

“Oh boy, we’ve got a nervous Nellie over here, guys!” Williams warned with a laugh.  

Shepard rolled her eyes and shook her head.  

Several songs later, and after Kaidan had been talked into performing too, Williams grabbed Shepard by her arm.  “Okay, Skipper, you’re it.”

“Yeah?” she countered lightly.  “I don’t think so.”

“Oh no you don’t!”  Williams grabbed her arm and began pulling her over to the microphone.  “It’s your turn.”

“ _MY_ turn?”  

“We all went first, it’s now _your_ turn to sing,” Williams announced, reaching for the music data pad and pressing a few buttons.

As Shepard had suspected back in her cabin before they’d even docked, Williams was up to something.  Though a little reluctant - it wasn’t often that Shepard allowed herself to be put into situations like this.  Hell, the couple of times that Coats had tried, Shepard had even managed to get out of it! - there was no way she could back out once Ashley brought up the song.  Personal pride wouldn’t allow it.  Especially once Shepard recognized which song it was.

_Perfect._

As everyone moved back a few paces to give her some breathing room, Shepard scanned the area, her eyes finally coming to a stop on Kaidan.  The smile he gave her in return looked almost apologetic … and it was then that Shepard began to sing.  Softly at first - it had been quite a while, after all, and her voice was rusty - but within the first line or so, several things became clear.  First, that she knew the song, the words (she hadn’t even so much as glanced at the words scrolling across the screen) and the music.  Second, and more importantly, she could _sing_.  

_I've got my memories_

_Always inside of me_

_But I can't go back_

_Back to how it was …._

If Shepard was honest with herself, she more than half expected a sharp stab of pain to slice through the area of her heart.  The song was one that had been a family favorite back during her childhood years on Mindoir.  She and her twin had sung it for their parents and grandparents on many an occasion ….

Strong.  Solid.  Steady.  Unrelenting.  The same characteristics she exhibited as N7, as Council Spectre, as Commander of the _Normandy_ she showed in her performance.  There was an ache present as she had suspected, but it wasn’t nearly so bad as she’d feared it would be .  It took Shepard only a minute or two to sort out why.  The moment she did, the words of the song struck home for her more than ever:

_This is home_

_Now I'm finally where I belong_

_Where I Belong_

_Yeah, this is home_

_I've been searching for a place of my own_

_Now I've found it_

_Maybe this is home_

_This is home._

As the last notes of the song faded, Shepard felt for the first time in a very long time a sense of true peace wash over her.  She also noted that everyone around her was stunned into silence.  Turning towards Williams, she handed over the microphone and asked, “Will that do?”

A moment later, thunderous sounds of clapping began echoing throughout the club some of which, Shepard noticed, came from the wait staff and Doran himself on the far side of the room.  Chuckling amicably, she called out, “Okay, I don’t know about you guys, but that’s it for me.  I need another drink!”

She wasn’t surprised to hear a quiet baritone near her ear a short while later as she stood at the bar and waited on Doran.  “Nicely done.”

Shepard snickered softly and turned to glance back across the room for a moment.  “I think Williams was expecting something else,” she replied.

Kaidan chuckled.  “Yeah,  you could say that.  There was a betting pool that you wouldn’t be able to carry a tune in a bucket,” he admitted.

Arching a brow at him, Shepard asked, “Who won?”  His grin was all the reply she needed.  Chuckling, she bumped her shoulder into his and told him, “Good.  Then you can buy me my drink.”

“Now that, I will gladly do,” he agreed as he signaled Doran for one of his own.  

For the remainder of the evening, Shepard lost herself among friends, her chosen family.  Even if only a brief respite from the craziness of events throughout the galaxy, it gave her a chance to be at peace.  God knew the minute they walked back out the doors it would all return once again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song sung by Serafina is "This is Home" by Switchfoot.


	14. Sing For the Tears

_Why me?_

Kaidan’s question would not cease it’s endless echo through Shepard’s mind as she walked through the CIC, her destination some place dark, quiet, alone.  Her cabin would do for now.   _Desperate times call for desperate measures,_ wasn’t that the old saying?

_Why did you save me and not her?_

Wincing, Shepard couldn’t keep from glancing in the direction of his workstation as she passed.  He wasn’t there.  The momentary sensation of relief that washed over her felt out of place, but she mentally acknowledged its presence.  It was just as well in the long run.  She was certain she had no better answer for him than she had before.  How could she even begin defining what it was that had gone into her decision making process?  How could something like that ever be put it into words and understood fully?  There was too much raw emotion involved in a decision like that.  Too much …

_Why me?_

The hiss of the door closing behind her had Shepard’s hackles rising in annoyance, though she couldn’t explain that either.  Turning, ignoring the lightswitch, she reached a hand out, found the edge of the wall and let her fingers do the walking, as the old saying went.  She wrote the momentary stumbling off to her toe catching the edge of the chair; a second she felt certain was the uneven flooring.  The third … Well, Shepard made it about halfway across the room, this time willing the culprit to be a crease in the carpeting, before the screaming voice inside her head became loud enough to have her turning as she fell, both fists pounding loudly, unevenly against the wall followed quickly by her forehead.  The strangled sob catching in her lungs a moment later as knees gave way and buckled beneath her, allowing her to sag to the floor, the last sequence in this particular song’s conclusion; her shuddering and heaving shoulders the final cadence.   

Shepard’s life since the age of sixteen was one long list of pain and loss and heartache punctuated by moments of personal endurance and survival.  Somehow, she’d always found a way to go on.  On Mindoir, she’d focused on getting from one moment to the next; solitary, alone, she’d found a way to make it.  To deal with it.  After Akuze, lone wolf mode again: it had helped her almost as much as N-school had as a distraction.  And this time?  Shepard drew in a long, deep, shuddering breath, ignoring the tears tracking down her cheeks.  This particular mission, the outcome was so much worse.  Much more … personal.  Only now, too late, did she realize her error.  She had let herself get too close.  As a result, she could not find the path leading to her salvation.  There were various reasons behind this, but ultimately one thing kept coming back to the forefront: she was the Commander.  Their leader.  They would seek her out for answers - answers to which she had no response.  No longer was there room for her to be that solitary, lone wolf, finding comfort and, perhaps, absolution, as she sought a way to survive on her own.  

In that realization, Shepard felt her world tilting precariously.

Ashley hadn’t been Shepard’s sister by blood, but she sure as hell had been one by choice.  On the battlefield or off, good times and bad.  The closest thing to a sister Shepard had allowed herself since Mindoir at any rate.  More than just a very close friend at least.  What had begun as a typical officer/enlisted relationship and quickly evolved into a friendship so strong that it had surprised the both of them.  And the thing of it was, it hadn’t just been with the Commander, either.  Despite Ashley’s early hesitations, her outspoken reactions, she had managed to move beyond her initial concerns and come to care about the crew - the team as a whole.  She would have - she _HAD_ \- given her life so that they, a mixture of human, asari, turian, quarian and krogan, could survive to continue the mission.  Without hesitation.  Without second thought.

A low growl began building in Shepard’s chest; rolling, rumbling, building upon itself until it literally burst free into a roar of anguish and pain so loud that she felt her own ears ringing afterwards.  It wasn’t just the loss that had Shepard so distraught at that moment.  Rather it was the fact that she’d been put into a position where she’d _had_ to make such a choice.  One or the other.  Him or her.  Head or heart.   _When I want a decision from the head, I’ll go to Alenko_ , she’d told Ash a few short weeks ago.   _When I want one from the heart, I go to you._  Now, as Shepard sat there, shoulders still trembling with the force necessary to hold back the majority of her own personal agony, she wondered if the Chief would appreciate the irony.  “I went with the heart, Ash,” she whispered brokenly as she pulled her legs close and wrapped her arms around them, “and look where that got me - I lost you in the process!”

Now, fully removed from the situation, consequences already damning her reputation, Shepard thought she could see now several ways around that choice; places where she might have taken a different option that would not have led to such a result.  And yet, during that time, that place, that _instant_ she’d been blinded to them ….

A knock sounded at the door, almost hesitant in nature but still firm with purpose.  Shepard half thought to ignore it - no one, especially any of the crew, needed to see her in such a state.  She was Commander Shepard.  Their leader.  She had to provide the example for how to carry on.  That could not happen if they saw her in the weak moments.  She’d made it a point to not allow them to see her in such situations - no anger, frustration, and especially not in grief.  Her outburst a moment before notwithstanding, she didn’t need them wondering if she was second guessing her own choices.

Another knock.  Deep inside, Shepard knew who it would be, but that didn’t make it any easier to acknowledge.

“Commander?”  

_Kaidan._ Shepard felt another sob gurgling in her chest, his voice inside her head once again.   _Why me?_

“Shepard, please ….”

Eyes closed, Shepard swallowed back her unruly and scattered emotions as much as she could and called out in a voice more ragged than intended, “Enter.”

* * *

 

Even after permission was granted and he entered her quarters, Kaidan found he couldn’t be absolutely certain she was here.  The room was dark.  The soft flickering of the various monitors on the wall helped to a degree, but he had to take a few moments so his eyes would adjust before he finally, barely could make out her shape across the room … on the floor, against the wall.  Instinct had his heart jumping, racing at the thought that somehow she’d been injured during the battle planetside and not sought out treatment upon their return.  After all, why else would she be curled up on the floor in the dark, right?  

Cautiously stepping forward, Kaidan made his way across the room.  Upon reaching her side, he knelt down on one knee, using the other to lean his arm against.  “Shepard?”

Her eyes tilted up towards his slowly, and in them he was struck by a depth of emotion so overwhelming, he found himself wondering just how she could contain it all within.  Drawing in a sharp breath, his mouth opening to speak once again, he ultimately remained silent as Shepard finally spoke, albeit brokenly.  “I have ... no better answers for you, Kaidan.”  

Kaidan winced.  He couldn’t help himself, actually.  It was a response not only to her words, but to witnessing the shifting of the emotions behind such expressive eyes and realizing just how much she cared about all of them.  She liked to present an image of clear cut professional interest only, but he could now see that there was more.

Extending his hand slowly, Kaidan waited for a long minute to see if she would take it.  He’d worked long and hard over thirty-two years to build this level of patience; he could outlast an elcor running a marathon.  “I’m not asking for any,” he pointed out.

Her eyes dropped to stare at his hand for a long moment.  That was the first thing he noticed.  He couldn’t read what exactly was going on behind them, but he understood that she was considering things very carefully.  The cogs and gears of her brain churning away as she simply stared at his hand.  Weighing her options.   _Taking the time to think things through.  Evaluating what the cost might be,_ he realized.  As time continued to tick past, a secondary thought occurred.   _This is what she didn’t have on Virmire.  Time._

Slowly, incrementally, she moved her hand towards his.  Holding it level, steady, Kaidan waited.  The first brush of her fingertips against his reassured him that his patience was well worth the wait.  She kept moving until her palm fully covered his.  Her skin was cold against his touch, but he ignored that, opting to enfold her hand in his before tugging gently.  Just enough to pull her towards him.  She landed on her knees; he shifted to mimic her position.  She fell against him gently, eyes darting up to meet his in the process as her hands came to rest against his chest.  But she did not push or pull away.  She did not retreat, and so he moved his arms around her.  He could see her lips moving, opening as if to speak, but no words came out.  He thought he could see his name in her eyes, though, as they darted around his face, searching for answers to questions she wasn’t going to ask.

“I’m sorry.”

He noted confusion in her face now.  Uncertainty.  His words could have meant Ashley’s death; they could have meant his behavior in the comm room during the debrief.  Hell, they could even have meant because this was such a painful experience for her, no doubt a reminder of her own personal and military past.  

In fact, he meant all of that, and more.  

Her breath caught, just the softest hitch, but he heard it.  Saw something else move behind her eyes.  Observed the few remaining walls standing between them finally come tumbling down; firm, solid, a barricade no more.  If possible, the room darkened further as her facial features altered, changing into something more pained if no less compelling.  “There was a reason,” she told him quietly, her voice hard, but Kaidan thought he heard the ache wrapped tightly around the edges, “that I worked alone before.”

Instinct had him inhaling sharply, immediately preparing to counter her assessment.  Virmire had been a failure mostly, sure, but there had to be some way to prove to her that he and the rest of the crew were worthy to be her partners in this journey, still.  They were more than just one mission gone wrong.  Had they not been proving themselves all along?  Therum?  Noveria?  Feros?  As she had told him earlier during the debrief, there was no one to blame in this, _for_ this, except Saren.

However, just as quickly instinct pulled him back.  A sixth sense had him rethinking his immediate response, recalculating what she had said, how she had said it.  Intonation; inflection.   _Meaning_ behind it.  Her expressions seemed to indicate pain mixed with anger, frustration melded with irritation, but there was also an ache to her tone that was in complete contradiction to the auditory clues she had given.  

_She isn’t denying our presence,_ he realized as it hit him square on, _as much as she is presenting an alternative; a solution to minimize losses and keep the rest of us safe._ A recent memory returned then.  Her words, her voice, echoed inside his head.   _I’ve gotten used to being a one person team._

Reaching for her hand, he grasped it firmly, rising and turning just the slightest bit away before leading her across the room.  Once reaching his destination, Kaidan turned her, moving to stand behind and slightly to the side, but eyes with a constant hold on hers in the reflection of the mirror found there.  “Tell me,” he insisted, voice containing more of an urgency to it than when he usually spoke with her.  “Tell me how you expect to succeed in defeating Saren if you go back to what you once were.”

Her eyes widened, surprise there as she appeared to recognize that he had understood her meaning just moments before.  “Kaidan ….”

“And I don’t just mean by numbers.  Virmire wasn’t Mindoir, Shepard.  Not Akuze.  Hell, it wasn’t even like any of those N7 missions you were sent on before joining the _Normandy_.”  Okay, that last was mostly bluff, and she would likely call him out on it.  Before or after bringing him up on charges for insubordination would be her choice, he supposed.  Ah well, it’d be worth it if it helped her snap out of this.  

“Dad once told me,” he continued quietly, eyes still locked onto the reflection of hers, “‘ _A soldier will always have moments of doubt._   _Especially good officers who end up losing people under their command.’_   You are more than a ‘good officer,’ Shepard,” he insisted.  

* * *

 

The minute the words had exited past Shepard’s lips, she’d wished she could take them back.

_I told you there was a reason I worked better alone._

Only as she heard them aloud had she realized just how damaging they could be, especially to one of the officers under her command.  He wasn’t just an officer under her command though.  Not at this late date.  He was one of her most reliable squadmates.  The one who always, no matter what, had her six.  And he was a friend.  She had erred greatly by just carelessly tossing out words that could do more damage by ….

No one was more surprised than she when Kaidan took her hand firmly in his and pulled her across the cabin a moment later to stand before the mirror.  At first, she’d been confused; an advantage for him, she supposed, because she was rarely found in that situation.  Shepard barely managed to say his name in the merest hint of protest before he began speaking, but that was forgotten as she found in his words everything she needed to hear.  And for a long moment, all she could do was stand there, immobile, just staring at her reflection and trying desperately to see herself as he saw her.  

It was a short while before she managed to turn away from the mirror, around to face him in the barely discernable light in the room.  However, the small smile she gave him as she did so was one of thanks.  “The truth of the matter is,” she told him quietly yet resolutely, “I can’t go back.  I know that.”  Sighing, she allowed her shoulders to sag for just a moment, willing her reaction to the loss of a friend and fellow soldier to the far reaches for now.  “I can’t go back to where I came from.  I can’t go back to what I once was.  I can’t go back and change what happened on Mindoir or Akuze just as I can’t on Virmire.”  She moved a hand out to touch his, the barest brush of fingertips against his skin.  “I - _WE_ \- can only move forward.  Our objective remains the same: Find Saren and stop him.  In that way we honor Ash’s memory; her sacrifice.”  Each word spoken was building her up once again; shoring up the walls that would hide away the anger and pain, keeping them at bay until such time as she had to deal with it.  

Pausing a moment, Shepard took a deep breath, swallowed and then added, “I will need your help to do that.”

His brow lifted.  “Just mine?” he murmured.  

There was just the vaguest hint of playful prodding to his tone and Shepard felt the smile widening into something just a little bit fuller.  “The rest of the crew too, of course,” she replied in a sincere tone, “but always yours.”

Shepard felt a slight shift of the tension in the air surrounding them and wondered if she’d misspoken.  For weeks she’d been experimenting with team assignments, trying to put together two complete squads that complimented each other in ways that would both best put their skills to use and give them the bests chance for survival.  With the loss of Ash, it would tip the balance of the second squad a bit, but as things were beginning to shake out, Shepard hoped it would quickly be compensated for.  “Who else have I trusted so often and so completely to have my back since Eden Prime?” she asked.

There was a momentary shocked expression on his face, she noted, but it seemed to melt away a moment later, the vaguest hint of amusement to offset the light flushing of his cheeks.  “Not Wrex, I gather?”

Shepard bit back laughter at that but could not hide an amused grin.  “I trust Wrex with my life, sure,” she admitted.  “But with you it’s more than that.”  

Shepard held his eyes for a long moment, searching.  Opportunity was before her, gut instinct was dealing it’s hand.  Did she or didn’t she take it?  Were the consequences of revealing so much worth the risks just then?  She had not overtly hinted at it before … but now?  After all that had happened on Virmire, was it not worth the risk?  To let him know, at least?  

“Or am I mistaken?”  

* * *

 

The opportunity presented before him at her question was one that, subconsciously at least, thrilled him to levels he had not expected.  Energized him.  It suddenly had him thinking all sorts of things … every single one of which broke at least one, if not more, military regulation.  And just as quickly as the realization that she returned that interest, Kaidan found himself forcing it back into a deep, hidden place where the chances of it doing irreparable damage to either of them or their careers was at a minimum.  

Still, he felt caught by those eyes.  That deep, almost unnatural shade of blue that left him feeling as if he was drowning … which, in a way, he supposed he was.  “You are not,” he heard himself manage after a moment in a voice that sounded huskier than usual, even to his own ears.  Following immediately upon that, a wave of heat flushed his cheeks yet again.  For all that he wanted to protect himself, _her_ even, he could not deny her the acknowledgement at least.

The pressure of her fingers sliding into his just then brought his attention away from his embarrassment, however.  “That isn’t why I saved you,” she said quietly, solemnly, her eyes dropping to where their hands were joined still.  “I hope you know that.  Ashley did.”  

Kaidan squeezed back, hoping it would be received as a reassurance.  “I think she did, too,” he added after a moment as reinforcement.  “And I’m sorry, Comma-  Shepard, if my reaction was out of line -”

He saw her shake her head once, sharply, her eyes finally rising to meet his again.  “No,” she insisted.  “Adrenaline.  It was all due to the adrenaline … the loss … Saren.”  She sighed then, releasing her hold, and Kaidan felt almost bereft.   “I’m sorry as well,” she added.

Kaidan blinked, surprise causing his eyes to widen.  He thought to ask for clarification, but realized that to do so could lead to misunderstanding.  Sorry for Ash’s death?  Her reaction a few minutes ago?  For agreeing to become the first human spectre?  There were a number of different reasons she could have meant.

She must have realized this, though, as she continued almost immediately, “For suggesting that I should do this alone.  I didn’t mean it.  Again, it was the adrenaline.”

Kaidan nodded, his ability to find words just then hindered.  He felt he needed some more time, space, to think over everything that had happened from the moment they had landed upon Virmire … through now.  “I should go,” he finally managed, for lack of any better way to end the discussion.  “I need to see to a few things before we arrive at the Citadel.”

Was that disappointment he saw in her eyes?  It moved so quickly, so fast and in the dim lighting it was difficult enough to see as it was.  “Of course,” she replied.  

She sounded steadier than she had earlier, at least.  Not so … fragile, maybe?  Instinct was screaming at him that he’d just witnessed a side to her that no one else under her command had ever - should ever? - seen.  Then again, she was just as vulnerable as the rest of them to reaction, despite her rank and status.  Whatever the case, it certainly had given him further insight into her character on multiple levels, and he found it left him … wondering.  Offering her a quick salute, Kaidan turned and exited the room.  He needed time to process it all.    


	15. Sing With Me

Joker’s assurances notwithstanding, Shepard sank heavily into the seat at her desk in her cabin, staring at the blank monitor before her as the minutes ticked by.  Thanks to Anderson, they’d done it.  They’d broken the _Normandy_ out of the lockdown on the Citadel and were finally able to make a run for Ilos.  For Saren.  If the former Spectre was to be stopped, there was no way around it.  Anderson had agreed, and he was her superior - at least, for the moment.  Not that she had any delusions that he would end up taking blame for this in the long run.  She understood well and good how military political game was played.  When you brought it up to this sort of level and pulled in ambassadors and the Council and all …, well ….  After all of this, god only knew where they would all stand.  They could end up being celebrated as heroes (so long as they could prove that Saren was as dangerous as claimed), or spending the rest of their lives in prison.  Somewhere.  Only time would tell.  

 _Probably with us standing before a courts-martial tribunal_ , she mused with a dry laugh.  Then a sigh.  

My, how things could change in just a matter of weeks and months.  And all thanks to one man - Saren.  Shepard knew she should have seen it coming - hell, she _had_ seen it, just hadn’t wanted to believe it _would_ happen a second time.  The turian had derailed Anderson’s attempts to become spectre years before, had attempted to keep her from being named one some months ago, and now … wasn’t this just more proof that indeed, he’d been right?  Forcing her hand in such a way that she had to go against Alliance protocol?  Sure, she was a Spectre, but considering that they Council had enforced this lockdown, she wasn’t even certain _that_ would be in effect after all was said and done ….

Her thoughts still whirling around frantically inside her head, Shepard only vaguely recognized the sound of her door opening then shutting almost immediately, but it wasn’t until she heard Kaidan call out to her that she snapped fully out of the downward spiral she’d been falling into and back into the present moment.

“Commander?”

Rising to her feet, Shepard turned to face him.  Giving him a wry smile, she pointed out, “You probably shouldn’t be calling me that after this, Kaidan.  I’m effectively a traitor now.”  Eyes closing for a brief moment, she sighed again.  “Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be wearing this uniform,” she murmured.

The soft sound of booted footsteps told Shepard Kaidan was crossing the room to stand before her.  “Yeah.  Hell of a thing.  We broke our oath so we could defend the Alliance so we could keep it,” he agreed.  Shepard opened her eyes to find him shaking his head in bemusement.  “What happens if this doesn’t work out, Shepard?” he asked when her eyes fell to meet his.  “I mean, we mutinied.  We stole a prototype warship.  If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping.  We’re a hell of an example of humanity’s best and brightest, huh?”

It briefly dawned on her to point out he had that little black raincloud over his head again, but just as quickly, she realized that she did too and making a comment to that effect would do neither of them any good.  So instead, she softened her smile a bit as she told him, “I keep reminding myself we’re doing the right thing.  I don’t believe me yet.”

She wasn’t surprised to see him smile.  She thought she heard him chuckle softly, too. But what he said next gave her some measure of reassurance.  “Well, if I didn’t think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn’t be here.”  She didn’t have to force a smile of thanks in that regard.  

“It’ll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos,” he continued a moment later.  “If things don’t go well, I want you to know -- Well, I’ve enjoyed serving under you.”

Shepard blinked, the look in her eyes suddenly challenging his backtrack into something more formal.  “Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago.  Don’t you think it’s time to act like it?”

To his credit, he didn’t take her words as a derailment.  “Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard.  There are regs against fraternization.”  

Shepard pulled her lip between her teeth and worried it a bit.  They were at a crossroads here, and she realized all too quickly that she was now on the other end of things.  Kaidan didn’t know, of course, how she had refused the few opportunities such as this over the years that had come her way.  It was ironic: now, the tables were turned on her.  Now she had actually found someone she was more than just a little bit interested in - wouldn’t Coats be laughing at her now at this situation, after her constant refusals of him? - and he was the one holding back.  “There are,” she finally agreed softly, eyes dropping as she mentally prepared herself for the inevitable rejection.  It wasn’t like she didn’t understand his position, really.  After all, the regs were there for a reason ….

 

* * *

  

Standing before Shepard like this, Kaidan fought vainly to hold onto his one last ‘out’.  It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested, of course.  With everything that they’d both been through over the years, the near misses, the realization that this was in fact the one person who, though he’d never known her at the time, had been the one to help him get his life back on track ….   _Leave yourself an out for later,_ his head screamed.   _Lessons learned from Rahna’s rejection …._

And yet ….  Kaidan pushed the worries aside.  There was much more at stake here than just a teenage crush on a pretty girl.  And, if her body language was any indication, Shepard appeared to be more than willing.  Somewhat expectant, one could say.  Could he really be that lucky?  Testing the waters, he ventured, “Well, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at our courts-martial.”

Though she did not lift her gaze again, Kaidan heard the soft exhale as she gave a short laugh, saw her release the lip she’d been holding between her teeth.  Even he recognized the nervous gesture for what it was.  Okay … so this was … encouraging?  Maybe?   _No, definitely._

“You know what?  You’re right, Shepard.  About everything.”  That brought her eyes back up to his, surprise widening them, the blue shining vibrantly even in the dim lighting of the room.  “I think about losing you and I can’t stand it.  The galaxy will just keep going.  Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again.  But you and I, we are important right now.”  He heard her draw in her breath sharply; her eyes impossibly huge.  “And this is what will never happen again.   _Us_.  Shepard, you make me feel … human.”

Their eyes held for a long moment after he stopped speaking, and had he not seen the roiling emotion behind hers, he might have worried that he’d mistaken her interest.  But when she spoke, it took him a moment to realize exactly what she was requesting.  “Bunk here tonight, Kaidan.”  With each word, her voice became stronger, returning to a level of confidence he was used to in her.  “With me.”

There was a part of him that couldn’t resist asking, “Is that an order, Commander?”

Her eyes twinkled as she replied, “Shut up and get over here.”

His smile widened.   _One more little bit of sass_ ….  “Careful, Shepard, I  might think you’re abusing your authority.  A serious breach of protocol.”

Later, Kaidan wouldn’t be able to recall who reached for whom first.  From one heartbeat to the next, though, they were in each others’ arms.  The very first minute he could, he pulled her flush against him; her hands touched his face, his arms, before wrapping tightly around his shoulders.  Feverish kisses, desperate touches.  A shift from hesitation to wanting to know _every_ thing all at once.  Clothing was removed with frantic disregard for care (Kaidan was certain he heard more than one item tear beneath their hands), and yet with deliberate slowness at the same time.  The sensations sharpened to a fine edge by the time bare skin met bare skin between them for the first time, the shock so extreme it had them both gasping roughly with need and want.  The urge to learn everything right here, right now fueled them on, and ultimately drove them over the edge at last ….

 

* * *

 

Though it was not usual for Shepard to awaken with the weight of an arm wrapped securely around her waist, the warmth of another body seeping in through each and every pore of her skin, the moment her eyes opened she knew it felt … normal.  Right.  Part of her head was chastising her, demanding to know why she had waited so long to explore such a thing with him, all thoughts of flaunting the regs tossed out the window; and yet another side of her knew that it could only happen for them the way that it had.  They were both wounded by the past.  It was a huge part of what had guided them as it had.

What gave her state of wakefulness away, Shepard would never know, but she felt Kaidan’s arm tighten around her middle.  As she sighed back into his chest, his lips found her temple and began trailing a path of kisses down towards her ear.  “You’re awake,” he murmured.

Shepard chuckled before rolling over onto her back so she could look up at him fully.  “I am,” she agreed with a smile.  Glancing over his shoulder briefly, her eyes caught the clock and noted the time.  They still had several hours yet before they would get to Ilos.  Plenty of time.  “So are you, I see.”

With her change in position, Shepard sighed again as his lips lightly explored along her face.  Along the shape of her cheekbone.  Down the length of her nose.  Tracing the shape of the scar beneath her eye.  Shepard couldn’t hold back a shudder at that point.  

He must have felt it because he pulled back immediately, concern filling his gaze as his eyes met hers.  “Are you alright?”

Shepard chuckled softly, her hand rising to rest on his shoulder briefly before moving further in to cradle his cheek.  “I’m fine,” she assured him as her fingertips began to memorize his features.  Then with a soft smirk, “Quite delightedly so, in fact.”

When his lips turned up in a smile, she dropped her finger to trace the scar at the corner of his lips.  His hand caught her wrist gently, holding it in place for a moment.  “You tell me first,” he urged, “then I’ll follow suit.”

Some of the joy Shepard was feeling in that moment evaporated, and she suspected he could see it, but she did not deny his request.  As far as they had come over these last weeks and months, even years if they considered when they’d first become aware of the other, she realized he deserved to know the truth.  Taking the first moment to prepare herself, she then drew in a deep breath before she began to speak.

“My parents, my grandparents and my twin sister, Kaysey, and I were attending a colony festival.  It was the end of the harvest season and it had been a good one, so we decided to have a party.”  Shepard managed a weak smile up at him, her eyes holding his and finding the strength to continue deep within.  “Kaysey had talked me into wearing this awful frilly thing - skirts, lace, dress shoes.”  Another shudder.

She saw Kaidan smile gently.  “I bet you looked beautiful,” he murmured.

Shepard snorted before laughing, but it was enough to pull her back from the edge of darkness that immediately and inevitably descended upon her with the memory.  “I looked _horrid_ ,” she replied flatly.  “I am not meant to wear frilly, girly type clothing.”

She saw his eyebrow lift.  “Not how I remember it,” he returned.  Shepard blinked in confusion.  “The Foundation Day ball?”

Shepard felt her eyes widen slightly.   _Oh god …._  “So, I’ve learned how to clean up better since then,” she told him, but she managed a small smirk, just the faintest hint of a smile that would let him know just a little how pleased she was that he’d noticed, even back then, and that he’d remembered all this time.  “Anyway, the festival was well under way.  Lots of people, too much food and drink, everyone having a good time, you know?  Anyway, there was a boy there.  I kinda had a thing for him in school that year ….”

“A ‘thing’?”

Rolling her eyes, though she detected no real jealousy in his question, she returned, “Yeah.  He used to sit across class from me.  Gorgeous green eyes and a voice that was like … liquid velvet.”

Kaidan snorted softly, but with no real heat.  “Let me guess: star athlete?”

Shepard shrugged.  “Track team.  High jumper.”  Then she grinned.  “I was the cross country runner.  Kaysey used to tease me I was ‘too fast’ for him.  Anyway, she convinced me that night that Nick was just as interested in me, and for some reason I bought it.  When he asked me to dance later, I agreed.”

She felt the darkness creeping closer again, much more successfully this time.  Running her tongue over dry lips, she sought a way to go on.  Before she could, though, Kaidan shifted, his hand sliding beneath her shoulders as he eased himself to lie beside her.  The gentle squeeze of his hand against her shoulder helped, and she rolled towards him, curling into his side, a hand coming to rest across his chest.  The steady beat of his heart beneath her fingertips helped keep her grounded.  “We danced.  Or, we started to at least.  Then we heard … screams … an explosion … confusion ... or maybe it was the other way around, I don’t really remember.”  She frowned as all of the fear and confusion from that night swooped in.

Guided by a burst of adrenaline, Shepard bolted upwards, drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them tightly.  Securely.  This was the first time.  The first time since that night she had spoken so much about it.  In such detail.  The first time she would tell someone _all_ of it.   _Wanted_ to tell someone all of it.  Oh, she’d told Alliance personnel afterwards what she could remember of those events, but those stories had come out cold.  Disjointed.  Really half told accounts of the whole situation.  Anderson had guessed at some of it and she’d simply nodded in order to get _beyond_.  But now …

Kaidan followed her up, shifting to move behind her.  She felt his arms gently slide around her, his legs to either side.  And the first thing that she took from his actions was that, for the first time in what seemed like forever … she was warm.  Safe.  Secure.  It had been so long … too long ….  “Nick …,” she rasped, hand rising to comb anxiously through her hair, “he pushed me away.  Threw me, really.  At first, I - I didn’t realize what he was doing, but after, I understood he was pushing me towards the nearby wooded area.”  Shepard paused and gasped for air, attempted to make the weight that had tightened across her chest lighten.  “I fell, and when I got up, I looked over and saw so many … small ones being herded away from everyone else.  Anyone my age or older being directed to the other side of the square, against a building.  I heard movement nearby and stayed low until it passed, but once it did, I took one more look … and saw Kaysey.”  Shepard’s eyes closed tight, heedless of the moisture trailing silently down her cheeks.  “Our eyes met; I could see … practically _taste_ her fear … just before the world exploded into fire ….”

One hand pulled away from her legs and moved so that she could wrap it tightly around his.  “I … ran away,” she choked.  “Fled as fast as I could in that stupid, frilly dress.  I kicked off my dress shoes so I could run faster.  The skies opened up and it began raining, but … I didn’t care.  I just kept running.”

Her shoulders were shaking almost violently now, but she didn’t notice.  Her eyes were locked on the far wall, but she was seeing beyond it.  “Made it back to our house and changed as quick as I could.  Found my grandpa’s hunting rifle and some ammunition and snuck out the back door just as one of the batarian units arrived at our house.  Again, I ran.”  

Shepard’s head dropped forward, chin tucking into her chest as her hair followed to cover her face.  “I found a tree that was high up and offered good shelter and climbed up.  For the next three nights, until Anderson and his unit found me, I remained up there.  Alone.  Anyone, any _thing_ ,  that came within range, I shot.  I lost track of how many I killed,” she added nearly breathless now that the telling was winding down, “but Anderson … later … said it was over fifty.  ‘One shot, one kill.’  That was what grandpa used to tell me when he was training me to shoot ….”

 

* * *

 

Unable to do much but sit beside her, around her, offering what solace he could, or hoped he could, Kaidan struggled for something to say.  “And the scar?” Kaidan heard himself ask quietly after she’d been silent for a while.  

He had to admit he admired her strength.  How many teenagers would have been able to think that quickly, move even faster, assess the situation and ensure their own survival?  

Shepard choked out a laugh, a movement that shook through her entire body almost violently even as he held her still.  “Stupid tree branch ….”

Irony could be found in everything, Kaidan supposed.  Anything.  To survive an attack by batarian slavers, to endure three long days and nights on your own, hiding in a tree for shelter, no food or water, completely uninjured … until you turn just the wrong way at just the wrong moment.  Sliding his arms around her waist, he hugged her close for a quiet moment before dropping a kiss to the top of her head.  What else was there to say?

“I told you before,” he began slowly, calmly, “about BAaT.  About Rahna and Vyrnnus.”  He felt her nod as she lifted her head and tilted it back against his shoulder, her eyes closed but seemingly content to let him talk about something else for the moment.  It almost appeared that she was seeking out his voice just then.  It wouldn’t surprise him in the least if she had been.  Different.  Different time, different place, different set of circumstances.  She needed that difference just then to help her back to the present.  “Before that, what caused me to react so violently to protect Rahna, was the blade.”

He felt Shepard stiffen slightly in his arms, her head tilting towards him, eyes opening to seek his, the shock and question clear as day.  “Blade?  He had a knife?”

Kaidan nodded.  “Turian blade.  Sharp.  He’d used it once or twice before, but not ever so closely to a student as he did with me.  Turians, I found out later,” and mostly thanks to conversations with Garrus, “are trained in hand-to-hand combat as part of their normal military training.  Afterwards, they are presented with a blade, mostly for ceremonial purposes, but Vyrnnus wasn’t afraid to pull it out and wave it around us.”

In that momentary pause, Kaidan watched as Shepard pulled away from him.  But rather than moving completely away, she turned so that she was kneeling before him, her hand stretching out to touch the mark at the left corner of his lips.  “Moving in self defense?” she asked, though her tone was dry and doubtful enough to let him know how much weight that thought carried in her mind.

Kaidan shrugged as her fingertips made contact.  He didn’t pull away.  Turning ever so slightly, he pressed his lips against her fingertip; saw her eyes turn to lock onto his again.  “A very angry sixteen year old biotic coming at you?  Possibly.  He still had height and experience on me, though.  More likely I moved at the wrong time.  To be honest, I didn’t even realize until much later when they stitched me up that I’d even been cut.  Even at that point I figured it was from flying debris when Vyrnnus landed.  It was only when I overheard the medical tech making some comment about how clean the cut was that I realized it was likely the blade.”

“Kaidan ….”

He met and held her gaze, his hand reaching out to pull her closer.  She moved closer and straddled his lap, settling herself so she could place a kiss along the scar.  He smiled against her lips.  “Like I said, wrong place, wrong time,” he murmured before turning to meet her lips again, only this time with more purpose.  “Unlike now ….”

 

* * *

 

Shepard had just finished pinning her hair back when she heard Kaidan moving on the bed.  Turning, she leaned her hips against the desk, smiling as she folded her arms across her chest.  Their eyes met and her lips curved automatically.  “Kaidan.”

He ran a hand over his face, rubbing sleep from his eyes and Shepard felt a tug at her heart at the adorableness of the motion.  That in itself told her much.  They’d shared their pasts with each other.  Utterly.  Completely.  There were no secrets left between them now.  He knew more about her than any other person in the galaxy, and she felt … fine with that.  Later, there would be more time to explore the reasons behind it, but for now it was enough.

He sat up, leaned forward and rumbled softly, “I’ve never told anyone ….”

Shepard stepped forward, sitting on the edge of the bed.  Eyes holding his, her smiled reassuringly.  “Neither have I,” she informed him.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his hand reach towards her and she accepted it, squeezing his in return.  

“If anything happens to you -”

She squeezed his hand again to silence him.  She opened her mouth to offer reassurances, but Joker’s voice suddenly broke in.  “Commander, we’re coming in on Ilos and you’re going to want to see this.”

Sighing, Shepard squeezed Kaidan’s hand one last time as she rose to her feet.  “On my way,” she told Joker.  Before releasing Kaidan’s hand, though, she gave him a quick nod.  “Suit up.  I want you and Wrex with me on this one,” she told him.  

She had just turned away when he replied in his most officious military-esque tone, “Yes, ma’am.”  Turning back, she found him reaching for his uniform as she wrinkled her nose at him, though the twinkle in his eyes alerted her that he was teasing as did the soft chuckle that trailed after her as exited the cabin.  

 


	16. Just For Today

 

“We need to warn the fleet,” Kaidan announced as they exited the elevator.  “And the Citadel.”

Shepard nodded vaguely, her attention more occupied with something else that Vigil had told them.  The Reapers were coming from Dark Space.  No wonder the Council had thought it ‘just a myth!’  No one knew about them because they hid away for 50,000 years until it was ‘time’ to return.

“Alenko’s right,” Wrex announced.  “Your Alliance fleet might be able to get to the Citadel; warn them in time.”

Shepard stopped walking and turned to face him while reaching to trigger her comm link.  “Doubtful,” she replied.  “The Fleet’s at Arcturus.  Best hope they could get there in a few hours -  Joker, that you?”

“Yeah, Commander.  What the hell’s going on down there?  The geth are pulling back up here, but as far as we can tell, there’s no one leaving -”

“Joker,” Shepard cut in, “I need you to break orbit.  Head back to the Citadel ASAP.  Get hold of Admiral Hackett, the Fifth Fleet.  Get them headed towards the Citadel too.”  She gestured Kaidan and Wrex into the Mako.  “Alert the Council:  the Conduit is a mass relay device that leads to the Citadel.  Saren is using it to get back to the Citadel to lower the defenses and make it accessible to the Reapers.  Saren and Sovereign are going to open the doors for the Reapers.  We’re going to follow and try to stop him.  The Citadel is in danger, make sure you get that across!”

There was static on the other end for a moment, but Joker’s voice broke through, “... ssly’s … contact … ow.  Comman … ?”

Cursing softly, Shepard lifted herself into the Mako and took the driver’s seat, buckling herself in before trying one last time.  “Go, Joker!  Get out now and spread the word!  Shepard out.”

“Back door, huh?” Kaidan mused quietly as he began bringing the navigation protocols online.

“Sounds like,” Shepard returned, shifting into gear and starting down the now unblocked path before them.  She knew it would not remain such for long.  “Wrex, get on that cannon.  No telling what geth Saren might have left between here and the Conduit.”

The krogan’s only response was a delighted sounding chuckle.  Shepard flashed a quick smirk over at Kaidan who returned it.  The one thing about going into a battle with a krogan in tow was that he always managed to find delight in something somewhere.  Talk about morale boosts.

 

* * *

 

 

“We’re running out of time!  The Conduit is closing!”

Shepard jammed the Mako into gear as it sped towards the Conduit.  Kaidan’s words were as much a status update as an alarm, but at this point here wasn’t much else she could do but head pell mell towards the thing and hope for the best.  She might get grief for her driving skills (or lack thereof) with the awkward beast, but if she missed this opportunity, it wouldn’t matter because the destruction of the galaxy would be all thanks to her ….  

Pressing the accelerator to the the floor, she shouted, “Forget the cannon, Wrex, just buckle up!”  Between speed and evasive maneuvers, this would have to be it.  Their one and only shot.  They would either make it or they wouldn’t.

Beside her, Kaidan’s voice (more calmly now, it seemed, as he keyed in on her decision) guided her path around the four geth Colossi between them and the Conduit.  She could hear Wrex rumbling behind her, but ignored his protestations for the moment - he was _always_ grumbly whenever she was driving.  She was used to it by now.  

“Two hundred meters,” Kaidan informed her, and Shepard nodded while putting everything she had on the accelerator.   _Here goes nothing … or everything_.  

As they drew close enough, Shepard felt the Conduit grasp hold - or at least the mass effect energy grabbing hold - and yank the vehicle’s control from her hands.  In less time than it took to breathe in sharply, they were launched, just as the _Normandy_ would do jumping from one mass relay to the next in a mad and desperate dash back towards the Citadel.  Shepard’s last coherent thought before everything around them went dark was that she hoped they would be as fortunate with their landing on the other side as the _Normandy_ would be ….

 

* * *

 

 

Arriving as they had, suddenly and in an unforgiving heap in the middle of the Presidium, hadn’t been so bad.  Shepard had shaken the dizziness without much effort as she pulled herself from the wreckage of the Mako, her immediate thought upon viewing the damage being, “At least it wasn’t my fault this time,” though Garrus would no doubt not be convinced when he saw the end result.

Passage to the Council chambers, however, was slightly more challenging.  As they ventured along the outer areas of the Citadel; trenches, nooks and crannies that Shepard highly doubted Citadel security had ever viewed in quite this light; she made a mental note to make certain that a full report on the inadequacies of Citadel’s security features would be presented as soon as was humanly (and kroganly) possible.  

Devastation and destruction surrounded them, leaving it clear to any who looked that Saren and his geth had come through this way.  With the Citadel ward arms closed, however, and additional jamming techniques by the geth, Shepard had no clue to the current situation outside of their immediate vicinity nor any way to relay their immediate needs to any of their allies.   No connection with Joker and the _Normandy,_ with the fleet or Admiral Hackett or even with the Council who, Shepard hoped, had been evacuated on the _Destiny Ascension_.  Though of the ship sent a wave of piercing sharpness through her chest as memories of the first time she’d seen the ship, Ashley at her side, returned.   _This is for you, Ash_ , she promised silently.

If there was one thing Shepard came to realize as she, Kaidan and Wrex made their way towards the Tower, it was that she had chosen wisely in her companions.  While she sniped from a distance, occasionally relying upon an electrical tech attack or sabotaging shields of particularly troublesome foes, Wrex barrelled up right into the thick of things and made his displeasure known.  Nothing like having a krogan battlemaster at your side to take out the enemy head on.  Kaidan, between tech attacks, his biotics and his favorite assault rifle, was working forward quite effectively from middle range.  

They made it to the entrance to the Council Chambers and, Shepard was thankful to find, discovered that her spectre override codes had not been disabled.  Lowering herself inside first, she moved to the side and kept cover while waiting on Kaidan and Wrex to join her.

“Stay sharp,” she told them in a quiet tone.  “He’s got to be just up ahead.”

Which of course meant that there were geth between them and him, they soon found out.  Kaidan was the first to notice, lifting one high into the air above them as they fought their way forward and up the stairs into the courtyard beyond.  Wrex threw a warp at nearly the same time.  The resultant explosion of energy with the combination of biotic attacks surprised not only the three of them, but the geth too.

“What the hell was that?” Kaidan asked in surprise.

Shepard glanced first at him then over at Wrex who just shrugged.  “Whatever it was, do it again whenever you can!” she suggested.

They cleared the courtyard a few minutes later and raced up the staircase.  Pistol in hand, Shepard began to approach the Master Control Terminal … until she heard the whining of an engine and a couple of pot shots from her left took out her shields.  Reacting on instinct, she rolled to the side for cover.  A quick peek over the edge confirmed her immediate suspicion:  It was Saren.  As she spent the next few minutes talking to him, cajoling him, desperately trying to get him to back down, she also kept an eye on Kaidan and Wrex.  Kaidan had moved up to her side; Wrex crouched across the way from them, low enough to the ground that Saren could not see him.  Her eyes met the krogan’s as Saren spat forth more arguments as to why he could not or would not back down.  

“You can fight this!” she shouted at the turian, firmly believing that he could still back away.  But at the same time, she nodded over towards Wrex who rose and barrelled his way down the platform, leaping towards Saren just as the turian’s pistol went off.  Who it hit - if anyone - was not yet clear.  Shepard and Kaidan raced forward to watch as the former spectre and the krogan fell to the open area below.

“Go ahead and upload the information from Vigil and get the ward arms open again,” Kaidan told her.  “I’ll go investigate.”

Doing such, Shepard felt a wave of relief surge through her a few minutes later when she heard an asari voice from the _Destiny Ascension_ break through.  Joker’s soon followed, offering a suggestion.  “Do it, Joker,” she told him.  “I don’t care what it takes - save the Council!”

Shepard heard Admiral Hackett’s voice join the comms then, giving orders to the Alliance Fleet.  Having handed over control of that particular situation to him, she then ventured towards the edge of the platform and glanced down below.  “Kaidan?”

A pistol shot rang out through the area, startling her for a moment and causing her hand to tighten on her own weapon, but his voice soon reassured her.  “Saren is dead, Commander.  Wrex has confirmed it.”

Shepard sighed.  “Good.  Come on back up and we will -”

The floor beneath her began shaking violently, and she lost her balance as it caught her mid-rise.  Her landing below was hard and jarring, but she managed to shake the worst of it off as both Kaidan and Wrex hurried over to her side.  Both, she noted, had their weapons drawn and at the ready.  She was about to reach for her own that had fallen nearby when she glanced up … to find the reanimated body of Saren moving towards her.  “What the hell?” she gasped, scrambling backwards as Kaidan reacted by instinct, using a biotic throw to remove Saren from the immediate area.  Wrex roared, drowning out Saren’s - now Sovereign’s, they realized - words.  

Shepard was able to reach her pistol a moment later.  Over the comms, she could hear the chatter from the fleets battling the geth outside, whatever jamming had been in place now removed when she opened the ward arms.  However, she paid little heed to the conversations for the moment since there was nothing she could do to assist.  Saren/Sovereign dropped right in front of her once again, startling her with its quickness and agility in this incarnation, and Shepard reacted immediately by striking back with a strong electrical current from her omni-tool.  As it jumped back away, Shepard glanced around.  “Kaidan - on my mark, use overload on that thing.  Wrex,” she saw the krogan’s smile widen as if he knew what she was about to order, “you do what you do best!”  The loud, reverberating chuckle warmed Shepard’s heart as she counted down.

Shepard approached warily afterwards, not so much fearful of any residuals of hers and Kaidan’s attacks harming her own gear as much as she was just being overly cautious - after all, this thing had proven it could come back to life once, hadn’t it?  

“It’s done,” Wrex assured her, using his foot to give the lifeless body one last, swift kick in the midsection.  

Shepard blinked.   _Done_.  

The sound of an enormous explosion outside had all three of them glancing upwards then, the shockwave from the blast shaking the ground beneath their feet.  “Get out of here now!” Shepard ordered a half second later as the windows above them began breaking, raining sharp shards of glass down and around them.  She followed after them, scrambling up a beam right after Kaidan.  She glanced up, watching as he reached the top platform ahead of her, turning back to extend his arm to her as Wrex held to his other.  Shepard was just reaching out for his hand, their fingertips brushing against each other in the process, when she felt the beam beneath her feet suddenly lurch to the side and give way ….

 

* * *

 

 

Kaidan barely realized Wrex yanked him away from the edge a moment later, so shocked was he at what he’d just witnessed.  Shepard had been there, right within his grasp … and then she was gone.  

“No!”

Kaidan stumbled awkwardly, partly from the amount of force Wrex used to pull him back.  “Don’t be a fool!” the krogan shouted.  

Kaidan would have retorted, but the shock was too much.  He thought to fight his way back, to somehow return below to find her, but before he could even put action to the thoughts, Wrex dove at him, taking them both down.  Kaidan felt the side of his head hit the floor, and then … blessed darkness.

Consciousness returned, but how much later Kaidan had no idea.  When his eyes opened, he took a long moment to simply bring his eyes back into focus.  Around him, he noticed it was dark, but he could hear movement nearby.  “Wrex …?”  There was a roughness to his voice as he spoke, and he wondered how much of that had to do with what he’d witnessed earlier.  He knew it had been real.  The rawness in his throat from yelling after her.  The ache in his heart as he recalled the look of shock and disbelief in her eyes as the world had opened up beneath her.  It was more than enough to indicate that it had all been real enough.

“Over here.”

Kaidan turned, wincing at the pain lancing through his shoulder with the movement.  Wrex wasn’t far, it seemed.  

And then another voice could be heard.  “Captain Anderson, I’ve found them!”

Blinking, Kaidan bit back the pain and turned even more as some of the debris scattered around him and Wrex was shifted carefully.  Three bodies approached, one of whom Kaidan recognized as Anderson.  Anderson, he noted, made a beeline for him.  “Where’s Shepard?” the Captain asked.

With the man’s words, the shock of what he’d witnessed returned in full.  Eyes closing, Kaidan could barely manage a shake of his head.  He felt a strong hand at his shoulder, and this time he did wince.  When the medic approached, Kaidan didn’t even bother to protest.  The physical pain was minor.  He knew that.  The test would be when he only had the emotional pain left to face ….

After the medic finished his attentions, Anderson assisted Kaidan to his feet.  It was then that the Lieutenant noticed Wrex was already up, though he too looked a bit wobbly on his feet.  Both he and the krogan shared a long look as realization began to settle around them.  The disbelieving murmurs of the medics as they scrambled out of the area were simply reinforcement to what they already knew.  

Shepard hadn’t made it.

Kaidan felt Anderson’s arm guiding him away from the worst of the debris.  Wrex managed to move on his own, leaving Kaidan to briefly wonder if the krogan had taken less damage than him or if it was some personal thing.  Once free of the immediate area, Kaidan pulled up short, stepping away from Anderson and turning to look over the scene behind them.  His breath caught at the complete and utter devastation.   _How could anyone survive that?_

“Come on, son,” Anderson encouraged softly.  “You might be walking right now, but we really ought to have Dr. Chakwas look you over.”

Deep inside, Kaidan felt a scream building.  Pure, raw emotion with a violence he had not exhibited since … well, since Vyrnnus.  Scrabbling, searching, it kept trying to grasp hold, snaking tendrils pulling it upwards, outwards, searching for release in a way that he knew would be devastating in its own right.  

And somehow, he found a way to beat it back.  Not disappearing completely, but subdued.  Like embers in a fire pit that had been banked properly so that the flame would spark up again when called upon.  Shepard had once commented on his ability to control his biotics so well; he’d brushed it off at the time.  But now he knew: it was there.  It could be called upon.  He hoped it would be stronger than the urge to simply give in to defeat.  She wouldn’t want that ….

He was turning, mind fuzzy from remnants of battle, injury and grief, when he thought he saw a movement among the debris.  Pausing, his eyes focused in on the area he’d seen, wondering if there had been other soldiers or C-Sec or whomever else had been called in to assist with the search.  The sound of debris shifting had Wrex turning too, Kaidan noticed.  The lumbering gait of the krogan shook the ground as he wandered over to stand beside Kaidan.  “You heard it?” Kaidan asked.

The krogan nodded, then shifted, head rising just a bit, nose upwards as he sniffed the air around them.  Kaidan watched him closely.  Shaking his head, the krogan replied, “Too … much.  Blood.  Death.  Destruction.”  Another long sniff.  “Reaper.”  It was amazing that Wrex’s admission could make him feel so deflated.  

Another sound.  A movement.  A voice to their right - one of the people helping? - shouted.

From one moment to the next, time seemed to speed up.  Kaidan saw a movement this time, mostly hidden by debris, but there was movement.  A moment later, Wrex was bellowing, “Shepard!” so loudly that Kaidan could feel it reverberating through his body and practically making his teeth rattle.  Kaidan straightened and followed Wrex and Anderson when they began moving towards the familiar form now climbing up to stand upon a pile of debris.  Their eyes met, held, and finally, a smile.  

Kaidan moved quickly, lurching forward, towards her.  Wrex wasn’t too far behind, and Anderson behind him.  As he pulled up short, Kaidan noticed immediately that Shepard was holding her left arm oddly.  The medic in him took over.  Reaching towards her, he asked, “Where?”

She winced; he was close enough to judge her level of pain by how deeply the lines around her eyes crinkled.  “Shoulder,” she replied.  

Kaidan moved to block that side from any jostling from the others.  Bringing his omni-tool up, he scanned the area she had indicated.  Dislocation.  

“Well, Commander,” Anderson’s voice boomed around them, “that was quite the thing you just pulled off.”

Kaidan kept his eyes on what he was doing though he saw Shepard tilt her head towards the Captain.  “Thank you, sir.  Couldn’t have done it without my crew, though.”  Kaidan couldn’t stop the smile and heard Wrex begin to chuckle at the same time.  Some things never changed, it seemed, no matter the circumstances.  Shepard was always quick to give her crew the credit for most of what was accomplished.  

Anderson, too, chuckled.  “Indeed.”

Lowering his ‘tool, Kaidan finished by pressing a button to upload the medical report to Dr. Chakwas before announcing, “We should get you back to the _Normandy_ , Commander.  Dr. Chakwas will want to set that arm properly.”

Both he and Shepard glanced over at Anderson who nodded.  “Do it,” he told them.  “We’ve already got crews coming in to start cleaning things up.  I’ll contact you when we know what happens next.  Good job, Commander.”

Shepard straightened and saluted the man.  “Thank you, sir.”  Kaidan followed suit.  

Kaidan led her away after that, Wrex following behind at a distance.  Shepard glanced back at the krogan a time or two, until Kaidan finally explained, “I think he knows.”

She frowned.  “He does?” she murmured.  “Wait - what _exactly_ does he know?”

Kaidan felt a blush hit his face.  “Enough.”

Shepard sighed.  “Do I even want to know how?”

“Probably not,” Kaidan replied.

Shepard stumbled as they neared the docks some time later, but Kaidan moved quickly to give her extra support while still shielding her left side from further damage.  Chakwas met them at the hatch, gesturing them both inside before her.  “Take her straight down to the med bay, Lieutenant,” she instructed.  

Both he and Shepard glanced back as things suddenly turned very quiet.  What they found, though, nearly had them laughing aloud.  Both Wrex and the doctor stood facing one another, arms folded, eyes narrowed, stances indicating neither was about to back down.  Finally, the doctor sighed heavily and spoke.  “You’ll live,” she told him.  Wrex’s rumbling laughter eased and the tension that had suffused the area dissipated.

Glancing down at Shepard, Kaidan murmured as he began leading her away once more, “Now let’s make sure you do the same.”

 


	17. Until Your Dream Comes True

After everything that had happened, all the side missions, rescues and battles they had been through, Shepard found the craziness of what came after to be even more frenetic.  By the time she and Kaidan were able to escape for a little bit of leave together, it was no wonder she was able to fall asleep so easily.  Only, she didn’t realize she had (even her dreams were filled with more of the insanity) until the gentle nudge at her good shoulder had her waking and realizing she’d fallen asleep during their flight.  Deep asleep, if the unwillingness of her eyes to open right away was any indication.  Drawing in a deep breath, she cracked first her left eye, then her right, and eventually she was awake and moving enough that she could turn her head to glance up at Kaidan.  “What?” she mumbled in a semi-irritable tone.

Kaidan chuckled.  “We’re coming into the terminal,” he announced, rising to his feet and beginning to gather their carry on bags as the shuttle came to a stop.  “Time to rise and shine, sleepyhead.  Mom and Dad will be waiting for us.”

Blinking rapidly, Shepard straightened, turning just a bit more in his direction, stretching carefully before she tried to stand.  Everything she did was portioned into incremental stages.  It had only been a few days since that final battle against Saren and she still had some lingering tender spots; her left arm giving her the worst trouble.  The bone break had been medically healed, thanks to Dr. Chakwas’ valiant efforts, but there was still an ache and tenderness to it that the doctor had warned her would likely remain for a few more days.  

“You okay?”

Turning, Shepard found Kaidan’s eyes meeting hers, concern for her at the forefront.  She smiled softly and nodded.  She understood his concern.  They’d talked about it the night after the battle, once they’d finally been given leave to return to the ship for rest before the full debrief with Hackett, then the meeting with the Council followed by any number of interviews with the press, though Shepard had made certain one reporter had first dibs as promised.  That had been almost a week ago.  Now they had leave for a week in which to relax and rest and recuperate.  Reaching out her good hand, she watched him take, tug gently on it and pull her upwards while she replied, “I’m good, though a hand up is just what I needed.”

There was a smile on her lips as she settled in the space beside him, her eyes just a couple inches below his.  “Better?” he asked.

She grinned.  “Most assuredly.”  

Kaidan gestured her in front of him as they departed, insisting on carrying both bags to give her arm a rest.  Shepard fought back obstinacy and accepted the offer of help.  He was right, she knew it, but she’d been so used to doing for herself for so long, old habits were still dying hard … but she was trying.  After all, she had let him in closer to her - physically, emotionally - than any other person since leaving Mindoir, right?

They exited the shuttle and made their way out of the station to find Mikhail and Katryn waiting for them.  After a brief but joyous reunion, they made their way to the shuttles that would transport them from Vancouver out to the Orchard.  This time, Shepard managed to stay awake.  By evening, Shepard and Kaidan were surrounded by familiar settings and savoring a home cooked meal while recounting what stories they could from their recent adventures.  Mikhail and Katryn did not press and by silent agreement, neither Shepard nor Kaidan broached some of the more troubling tales they had, but they made it through the telling of the ones that they could.  

One of the more humorous aspects of their return came that first evening.  For whatever reason (and Shepard honestly did not know if it was because Kaidan had not said anything to his parents, or if they were trying to make a statement of their own), Shepard and Kaidan had ended up with separate bedrooms.  Whatever the reason behind it, Shepard patiently waited until the entire house was quiet before she slipped out of her room and snuck across the hall, all the while feeling as if she was sixteen years old all over again.

Kaidan was waiting for her.  “Your feet are cold,” he mused as he pulled the covers over her shoulders.

Shepard chuckled as she snuggled against him, her feet automatically seeking out his calves.  “When will you accept the truth?” she asked.  “I am _always_ cold, remember?”  

His arms slid around her, pulling her close to him and Shepard more than willingly aligned her body to his.  “Maybe you should ask mom to knit you a pair of socks to match the sweater this visit?”

“Hmm,” she murmured in a non-committed fashion as she wrapped her arms around his waist and settled her head at his shoulder.  “Or maybe, you should just give in and warm me up?”

Now it was Kaidan’s turn to chuckle.  “Yes, ma’am,” he replied.  He knew an ‘order’ when he heard one.

  


~0~

  


The days settled into an easy rhythm back on the Orchard, and in many ways, Shepard came to feel as if she had never left.  When Kaidan had first suggested they come back here, she had been a bit worried at the prospect.  She had fallen out of regular contact with Mikhail and Katryn and was unsure of what her reception would be.  After everything they had just gone through, she wanted some place to go where they could find time together, heal together.  And most importantly, she wanted to be away from anything public or social or military for a while, which meant staying somewhere that was beneath the media’s current radar.  Only after Kaidan’s insistence that the Orchard was the place to be did she finally give in and agree.

It was the right choice.  Shepard knew that the moment she stepped inside the house.  With each and every minute spent there, she could feel the tension, the stress, the aches and pains of the recent missions easing away.  The routine of the Orchard and the surrounding area also was a reminder that there were cycles in life to be followed, and that when one gave way, another began.  It had been a way of life for her until she was sixteen, and after Mindoir, she had seen signs of it here.  But in recent years, it had not always been so evident.  The reminder, when it came on the third day of their visit, could not have been more pronounced for her, either.

They had taken to walking among the trees after dinner of an evening, which gave Kaidan and Shepard both opportunities to see how things had changed during their absence.  Together with Mikhail and Katryn, they walked the land and talked of various things, including ‘business’ and family.  This particular evening, they were walking through one of the newer areas that Shepard did not recall from her previous time spent here.

“What’s this?” Shepard asked after Mikhail reached up into one of the trees, retrieved an apple and returned to press the fruit into her hand.  She turned it, realizing that it was an apple, yes, but that it looked different from most of the other varieties she had seen at the Orchard.  Subtle differences, things most people likely would not have noticed right away, and yet to someone in the business were quite apparent and meant the difference between types, and which ultimately was reflected in the amount of credits earned.  

“Try it,” Mikhail urged gently, winking over at Katryn who was clearly having difficulty not laughing aloud.

Shepard glanced over at Kaidan, but he looked as puzzled as she felt, responding simply by shrugging his shoulders.  Sighing softly, Shepard gave in and did as requested, biting into the apple …

The explosion of tangy and sweet and juicy deliciousness that hit her tongue at that point gave Mikhail’s surprise away instantly.  Eyes darting up to meet his in surprise, she managed to finish the bite, using her sleeve to keep the juice from dripping off the edge of her chin.  “Oh my gosh!  You … you’re kidding!” she gasped in astonishment.  How long had it been since she’d spent all those weeks and months on this project?  “It worked?”

Mikhail’s laughter began as a deep rumbling chuckle before working its way upwards.  “It did, and we named it after you:   _Shepard’s Folly_.   You managed to bring it all together.”

Kaidan, who had taken the apple to try a bite, gave Shepard a secret smile as he handed it back.  “She has a way of doing that,” he told his father, though both he and Shepard realized he was referring to their recent adventures together rather than to the apple in her hand.  Shepard simply wrinkled her nose at Kaidan and took another bite of the delicious piece of fruit while silently basking in an unexpected success.  

  


~ 0 ~

  


A week wasn’t nearly long enough, but they made every day count.  Time was spent visiting family, taking long walks together, even working in the Orchard with Mikhail - all of which had the desired effect of giving both Shepard and Kaidan a restful and relaxed time in which they could recharge after their recent adventures.  Kaidan even tried to take Shepard fishing one morning, claiming that the river nearby offered the best opportunity, but in the end Shepard begged off and instead sat along the riverbank, wrapped snugly in her sweater and a blanket and watched the early morning Canadian sun rise behind Kaidan as he utilized his skills in patience and control to an altogether different purpose.

“You’ve got … quite the talent there, Lieutenant,” Shepard teased as Kaidan walked over to add another fish to the string of those he’d caught that morning.

He flashed her a quick grin.  “So I have heard,” he countered easily.

Laughing delightedly, Shepard leaned over to kiss him as he sat down beside her for a moment before sighing contentedly.  “I’m going to miss this,” she admitted softly.  “It’s been so long since I just ….”

His arm slid around her and hugged her close.  “I know,” he replied.  

“I feel almost normal,” Shepard told him, glancing up to meet his gaze.  “It’s so strange … I’m not even sure if I’ve ever felt like that before.  Even back on Mindoir.”

Kaidan shifted slightly, both arms wrapping around her and his chin nudging her cheek gently.  “Look,” he murmured, nodding across the river from them where the treeline opened up to the water’s edge.  

Shepard turned her head, gasping softly when she saw it.  “Oh!”  His hands moved to help her sit up slowly, quietly, but both kept their eyes upon the scene before them.  A doe had emerged from the trees, cautiously stepping towards the edge of the river to drink.  Right behind her was a spotted fawn.  And right behind that …  “Twins!” she whispered, feeling Kaidan’s head nodding beside hers.  

They sat that way for a while as the sun continued to rise and all three deer drank.  It lasted no more than ten or fifteen minutes, but that didn’t matter.  It became a gentle reminder, just the merest hint and reaffirmation of what they were out there fighting for.  

After the last fluffy tail faded back into the trees, Shepard murmured, “That was … spectacular!”

Kaidan chuckled and nuzzled at her neck as he replied, “That isn’t the only spectacular view around here, you know.”

A smirk played at her lips as she turned to meet his kiss.  “Such a romantic,” she teased.  “Always with words of flattery and - AIE!  Kaidan!”

His chuckle deepened as his hands slid beneath the sweater and the edge of her t-shirt causing her to jump in his lap.  “Hmm?  Just thought I’d warm my hands up a bit.”

Shepard nipped at his lips, biting lightly on the lower one, before retorting, “Yes, and if we go back with me smelling like I’ve been sleeping with the fish, what will your parents think?”

Kaidan fell to the side, taking her with him and rolling until he was leaning over her.  Staring down at her face, he moved a hand to brush some of her loose curls out of her eyes.  “That we need to take a shower together?”

“Lecher!” she muttered playfully, but that didn’t stop her from meeting and matching the next onslaught of attentions he paid her.

  


~ 0 ~

  


Kaidan was just lathering on the shaving cream when he noticed a movement at the bathroom door out of the corner of his eye.  Glancing in the mirror, he met Shepard’s gaze as she stepped back inside the bathroom, moving to sit on the counter beside him.  “You look rather grim,” he commented as he reached for the razor.

Fascinated, Shepard tilted her head to the side and watched his progression.  “I suppose so,” she agreed quietly.  

He began working the area across his neck.  Slow, steady motions ruled by a casual grace.  “You aren’t still mad at me, are you?”

Shepard blinked.  “I was never mad in the first place.”

A thick brow lifted.  “Fish fingers?”

She snorted.  “Okay, point.  And no, not mad at you … you more than made up for that as I recall.”

Kaidan flashed her a grin as he reached over to rinse off the blade before straightening back up to continue.  “Okay then, I give.  What’s up?”

Shepard drew her lip in between her teeth, almost hesitant to reply.  They’d been told they had a little over a week.  Ten days, to be exact.  They were only on day six.  “Message from Anderson,” she finally replied.  She wasn’t surprised as she watched him to see that old, familiar shift from playful and casual and relaxed to professional and alert cross over his features.  “He wants us back ASAP.”

Kaidan stood stock still, shoulders rigid, his eyes meeting hers in the mirror.  “I presume you told him we would be there?”  His voice had shifted back to professional as well.

“Yes.”  What else was there to say?  Both had had this happen before in their careers while on leave.  It was obvious that something important had come up.  “Pockets of geth resistance have been reported in the Amada System.  The _Normandy_ has been repaired and reprovisioned and they want us to go investigate.”  She sighed, her eyes dropping to watch fingers that were tangling and twisting together in her lap.  

Kaidan reached out to cover her hands with one of his.  They both knew what this would mean: back to duty, back to at least outwardly paying heed to Alliance regs.  He had no doubts they would find some time to be together - they’d spent half a night this week alone discussing it - but when the Alliance called ….  “We will make it work,” he promised, squeezing gently.

Her eyes drifted upwards meeting his.  He could see worry there, perhaps mixed with something else?  “Kaidan -”

His hand rose to cradle her cheek, holding her gaze, eyes intense.  “Sera,” he said firmly, “we will make it work.”

Shepard blinked, startled.  

“What?”

“No one has called me that since … Kaysey,” she whispered, ignoring the tightening in her chest.  It had been so long, and now … it was more like a familiar ache than a painful lurch.

Kaidan gave her a concerned look.  “Do you not want me to call you that?”

Shaking her head, she assured him, “No, it’s not that.  It … it actually feels good to hear it again.”

“Okay,” he agreed with a nod before turning his attention back to the matter at hand.  He was well aware  that she kept her eyes upon his every move, and as he finished the throat area and prepared to start his jaw, he darted another quick glance over at her directly instead of just meeting her gaze in the mirror.  “What?” he finally asked as he began clearing the left side.  

“I was just thinking.”

“About?”

She had been sitting on the countertop, partially facing him, one knee drawn up to prop her chin on and arms folded casually around it.  Her shoulders moved awkwardly as she shrugged and then sat up straight.  Leaning a little towards him, she lifted a hand and ran it along the outer shell of his ear.  A hint of a smile returned as she saw him shiver in reaction.  

“So,” he mused as he finished up the other side of his face, “ASAP, hmm?”

Shepard nodded.  “But … no shuttles leaving until tomorrow morning,” she added.  “I already checked.  Made reservations.”

Leaning over to run the water and clear the remaining foam from his face, Kaidan reached for a towel and replied around it, “So, I guess we make the most of today then?”

“Guess so.”

“Good,” he murmured as he then looped the towel around her and pulled her close so he could kiss her.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that, as they say, is the end. Or, at least the end of the beginning. Or is that the beginning of the end? ;) At any rate, this is the end of the background for Serafina Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. Thank you to everyone who has been following their journey! Their main story will still continue in After the Rain, and there may be another set of oneshots or short fic of them during the ME2 era - still trying to decide how I might work that out. Thank you so much for your support! :)


End file.
